Well, went to my session this morning and had a long talk which took us to places I hand’t anticipated, which is a good thing. Before I get into details I’ll share my homework for our next meeting…
Talk to my doctor about starting on an anti-depressant and at least begin a discussion about HRT.
Now to those pesky details. The discussions began with talking about the depression and my concerns over how it came out of no where. She agreed that if I felt such a level of concern, then it was something I needed to deal with and the sooner the better. As she told me, I will be amazed at the difference I will feel. I need to remember, my “normal” is anyone else’s abnormal, and this will give me a chance to finally feel the way I should. The thought of possible getting this under control is a great relief to say the least.
From there the conversation raged all over the place, from my last suicide attempt and the thoughts and feelings which surrounded that time in my life, to alcohol abuse to spirituality and all the way to porn of all things… I still have no idea how that came up in the conversation, but it did.
Then we came to the issue of HRT. This is something which has come up more than once during our sessions, but it always remained a hazy possibility somewhere in the future. Now it is becoming a more of an issue. It’s not overly pressing at this moment, but it has become a constant buzz in the back of my mind. I can no longer fool myself into thinking this isn’t something I am going to have to face at some point in the foreseeable future. Because of this, because it as remained a constant over time and is not going away, it’s best if I finally speak with a professional. Preferably someone who knows my medical history and can give me a competent assessment of the risks. This is something I am very nervous about. I simply do not know where he stands in regards to treating Trans* patients and I have no idea how he is going to react. Provided he doesn’t have any issues, I need him to tell me one way or another if this is something I can undertake. If I can’t then I am going to have to do some very serious thinking on what I will have to do in order to reach a point where I can live.
I don’t say comfortably with myself or with life in general. I have very serous concerns over what might happen if I find I will never be able to be the person I know I am… and that scares the hell out of me on more levels than I can express.
Then there is another issue which has me nearly in tears… and that is regarding A and our relationship. I know this was something she feared, something which is going to cause issues in how we relate to one another. We both understand this isn’t something I have chosen to do, that the path I follow is the only one I can, but so help me, it pains me to know this has to be tearing her up inside no matter how brave a face she puts on. She didn’t sign up only to watch me slipping away, moving in a direction she cannot follow. I still feel full transition isn’t in the cards, I just haven’t experienced the drive or desire to go to that point. I know that might change with time, I can’t completely rule anything out, but I just can’t see it at this point. I do know if I do cross that line then our relationship is over, but I cannot help but to think this step is putting me closer to that line in the sand, that indeed, it might be too close for us to remain together. It may be I am fearing over something which might never happen, but I can’t help it and it hurts more than I can say.
So that is where things stand tonight. One more step taken…
And none of us can ever go back.