Another Step

Well, went to my session this morning and had a long talk which took us to places I hand’t anticipated, which is a good thing. Before I get into details I’ll share my homework for our next meeting…

Talk to my doctor about starting on an anti-depressant and at least begin a discussion about HRT.

Now to those pesky details. The discussions began with talking about the depression and my concerns over how it came out of no where. She agreed that if I felt such a level of concern, then it was something I needed to deal with and the sooner the better. As she told me, I will be amazed at the difference I will feel. I need to remember, my “normal” is anyone else’s abnormal, and this will give me a chance to finally feel the way I should. The thought of possible getting this under control is a great relief to say the least.

From there the conversation raged all over the place, from my last suicide attempt and the thoughts and feelings which surrounded that time in my life, to alcohol abuse to spirituality and all the way to porn of all things… I still have no idea how that came up in the conversation, but it did.

Then we came to the issue of HRT. This is something which has come up more than once during our sessions, but it always remained a hazy possibility somewhere in the future. Now it is becoming a more of an issue. It’s not overly pressing at this moment, but it has become a constant buzz in the back of my mind. I can no longer fool myself into thinking this isn’t something I am going to have to face at some point in the foreseeable future. Because of this, because it as remained a constant over time and is not going away, it’s best if I finally speak with a professional. Preferably someone who knows my medical history and can give me a competent assessment of the risks. This is something I am very nervous about. I simply do not know where he stands in regards to treating Trans* patients and I have no idea how he is going to react. Provided he doesn’t have any issues, I need him to tell me one way or another if this is something I can undertake. If I can’t then I am going to have to do some very serious thinking on what I will have to do in order to reach a point where I can live.

I don’t say comfortably with myself or with life in general. I have very serous concerns over what might happen if I find I will never be able to be the person I know I am… and that scares the hell out of me on more levels than I can express.

Then there is another issue which has me nearly in tears… and that is regarding A and our relationship. I know this was something she feared, something which is going to cause issues in how we relate to one another. We both understand this isn’t something I have chosen to do, that the path I follow is the only one I can, but so help me, it pains me to know this has to be tearing her up inside no matter how brave a face she puts on. She didn’t sign up only to watch me slipping away, moving in a direction she cannot follow. I still feel full transition isn’t in the cards, I just haven’t experienced the drive or desire to go to that point. I know that might change with time, I can’t completely rule anything out, but I just can’t see it at this point. I do know if I do cross that line then our relationship is over, but I cannot help but to think this step is putting me closer to that line in the sand, that indeed, it might be too close for us to remain together. It may be I am fearing over something which might never happen, but I can’t help it and it hurts more than I can say.

So that is where things stand tonight. One more step taken…

And none of us can ever go back.

12 thoughts on “Another Step

  1. Kira – glad you got to talk to your therapist about all of that. Some thoughts – your doctor may want you on anti-depressants for a while before going on HRT. I know, it’s more than a bit insulting, but think of it from a malpractice insurance point of view.

    1. That did cross my mind, but if it’s what I need to do, then I will.
      The other thing I really dread is if he asks, “What does transgender mean?”

  2. Good luck with this step. I’m about to have my first conversation with a qualified therapist, and I know that my own awkward conversation with my GP is somewhere in the future.

  3. Once again it’s crazy where you and I are in our lives. You’re in therapy of course and I’m not. It sounds like it’s good for you.

    1. Oh life is crazy, no doubt about that! Therapy really has helped, being able to talk about things make a real difference and having someone use my name in conversation is a something which lightens my heart.

  4. I don’t understand your relationship with “A”, being a newcomer here, but I strongly sense that it need not be “over”. It might change, but you can remain close and even love without being mates if I understand exactly what is going on. If you have something other than sex between you then I suggest allowing for the possibility of keeping that and learning to accept that you might each gain intimacies with others. I do understand the very real possibility of drifting apart and if that must happen then it must.

    The antidepressants could be a good thing, temporary if it is your situation causing the depression and long term if that is not the only cause. I take hearing of a suicide attempt as something that must be seriously addressed. You are a talented writer who speaks from the heart and I’d rather keep you around.

    I’m glad the therapy is helping and it sounds like your therapist is taking you on a good path, toward finding what is right for you. Take heart that you are moving in the right direction and that there is obviously sympathetic support right here as I see in the comments and likes.

    1. A and I have been married for over 15 years now and have three children. She has made it clear she is heterosexual and so, depending on how far I go in transition, it will take her past a point where she could continue in a intimate relationship with me. Even beginning HRT, if possible, might make such a relationship impossible, and this is something which has and is going to continue to put strain on what is otherwise a wonderful friendship. Sadly, as much as we both value this friendship, I know she needs something deeper and there might soon come a point where I will no longer be the one she looks to to find it.

      As to the antidepressants, I can’t say what the cause might be, I haven’t had anyone dig too deeply into the “why” of it, but I do know depression, even suicidal depression, has been a part of my life since I was a child. I have spoken of the last serious attempt where I went through with it, but have said little of the many times before that and since when I came close but stopped short for one reason or another. Even milder episodes have a very serious effect on me and after beginning to find help in other ares of my life, I know I need to address this as well if I am ever going to be truly content with my life.

      Therapy has done wonders for me. Yes. I am moving in the right direction, but there is still a long way to go.

      I thank you and everyone for your wonderful support, there have been many times when I could not have gone on if you hadn’t been here.



  5. Much love to you Kira~ You know the old saying~ “You have to break some eggs to make an omelet.” I don’t know why that is what came to my mind. I wish for you HAPPINESS, whatever form that takes.
    ✿ღ✿ღ.¸¸ღ♫*¨`*•..¸ƸӜƷ ✿ღ ✫❀

  6. I’m glad you got something productive discussed and underway. Even if nothing comes of the HRT, you will have at least discussed it with a medical professional. I know having something concrete to work on, knowledge and direction, will make a huge difference for you.

    And remember, Depression is an illness that can be treated with medication if necessary. It’s something that’s gone wrong with your body, not your heart/mind/soul.

    1. It’s the same with anything medical, trying to diagnose yourself can cause problems. I have done research, and that is okay as far as it goes, but I know I need to talk with a doctor about these issues. Only then am I really going to know what the best path to take is going to be. This is especially true with HRT. As far as depression is concerned, I have had one diagnoses, though it was back in my twenties, but since I didn’t follow up and do something about it then, I think it is fair to say it was something which never went away, I just tried to pretend it didn’t exist and now I am really paying for my own stubbornness.
      It’s time to take responsibility for myself and deal with this before something happens which can’t be undone.

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