Just a little update….
I have had a lot on my mind lately… sort of like saying the Arctic is chilly or the ocean is a little damp… but anyway,
I talked with A and told her what I’ve been thinking these past few weeks, and… well… I felt I should do the same with you.
I don’t know how obvious it’s been, but I have known for awhile going on hormones would be my next major step. I have danced around it, I have told myself every reason why I shouldn’t and I still couldn’t keep it out of my thoughts. Over the past several weeks, taking this step has become larger in my mind, often slipping into my thoughts at the most unexpected of moments. Me, being who I am, have tried to keep things in check, and it has caused me all sorts of problems. As I mentioned, a lack of sleep, a loss of appetite. Even physical symptoms such as constant muscle tremors and headaches. I find myself tensing up, having to force my shoulders down from my ears… All signs of stress and they have been getting worse.
I am not going to lie to you. this scares the crap out of me. I have been open to myself for less then two years… Considering how long I managed to survive before I ever came out, this is a blink of an eye. It just seems to all be moving too terribly fast, but there isn’t anything I can do about it without tearing myself apart in the process.
A has an appointment with our family doctor next week. As things stand, I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to get in to talk with him myself, and so I asked her to talk with him. I then promptly told myself to tell her not to, not because I’m not ready to get serious, but for two other reasons…. First, I feel guilty about distracting her when she needs to concentrate on her own health. Second, there is that part of me which wants to put the breaks on, to slow things down and drag them out as long as possible before I am forced into action. Of course, doing so would cause me a lot of problems mentally… I know it, so does A. I think it wouldn’t matter what I said at this point, she would bring it up regardless because she knows how serious this is. Still, I so wish I could give into the fear, just curl up in a ball, stick my fingers in my ears, and wish it all away. I think of the many stories I have read in which someone spoke of going on hormones, spoke of how eager they were to get started, how they couldn’t wait for the changes they knew they had to look forward to… and I wonder why I feel so differently. Why this is something I know I need to do because I have no choice, not because I simply want to. What good does it do to consider you choices when there really is no “choice” at all?
Just thinking about this twists a knife through my insides…