When There Is No Choice

Just a little update….

I have had a lot on my mind lately… sort of like saying the Arctic is chilly or the ocean is a little damp… but anyway,

I talked with A and told her what I’ve been thinking these past few weeks, and… well… I felt I should do the same with you.

I don’t know how obvious it’s been, but I have known for awhile going on hormones would be my next major step. I have danced around it, I have told myself every reason why I shouldn’t and I still couldn’t keep it out of my thoughts. Over the past several weeks, taking this step has become larger in my mind, often slipping into my thoughts at the most unexpected of moments. Me, being who I am, have tried to keep things in check, and it has caused me all sorts of problems. As I mentioned, a lack of sleep, a loss of appetite. Even physical symptoms such as  constant muscle tremors and headaches. I find myself tensing up, having to force my shoulders down from my ears… All signs of stress and they have been getting worse.

I am not going to lie to you. this scares the crap out of me. I have been open to myself for less then two years… Considering how long I managed to survive before I ever came out, this is a blink of an eye. It just seems to all be moving too terribly fast, but there isn’t anything I can do about it without tearing myself apart in the process.

A has an appointment with our family doctor next week. As things stand, I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to get in to talk with him myself, and so I asked her to talk with him. I then promptly told myself to tell her not to, not because I’m not ready to get serious, but for two other reasons…. First, I feel guilty about distracting her when she needs to concentrate on her own health. Second, there is that part of me which wants to put the breaks on, to slow things down and drag them out as long as possible before I am forced into action. Of course, doing so would cause me a lot of problems mentally… I know it, so does A. I think it wouldn’t matter what I said at this point, she would bring it up regardless because she knows how serious this is. Still, I so wish I could give into the fear, just curl up in a ball, stick my fingers in my ears, and wish it all away. I  think of the many stories I have read in which someone spoke of going on hormones, spoke of how eager they were to get started, how they couldn’t wait for the changes they knew they had to look forward to… and I wonder why I feel so differently. Why this is something I know I need to do because I have no choice, not because I simply want to. What good does it do to consider you choices when there really is no “choice” at all?

Just thinking about this twists a knife through my insides…

12 thoughts on “When There Is No Choice

  1. All I can say is, no matter how tumultuous or painstaking this may be for you, you still have the choice to move at your own pace.

    I really hate slipping into talking about myself, but I feel the same, despite being so different yet similar. There’s no definite urgency that I feel should be there to begin hormones. And that bothers me too. Regardless of where you are now, you may still be trying to feel yourself out. HRT is such a BIG step on so many levels. I can tell that you are able to get through to yourself much better when you ruminate and find the connection between your heart and mind before you take action.

    No one is rushing you, hun. The most important thing is to “be” as best we can, flowing, and connecting the pieces of our memories and realities. You certainly have that choice I would think…


    1. Ren’Ai.

      My own pace… well, there is something to consider. There are two forces at work here, my mind (which is scared spit-less), and my heart, which has been pushing this silently in the background for months. Think of it in the same way as the force which finally broke through and forced you to acknowledge your not a “real boy”. It may take years to build up enough pressure, but once the dam is broken, there is nothing to hold back the flood.
      That’s the point I have reached, the dam is cracked and leaking and the pressure continues to build. I can try and patch things enough to last a little longer, but doing so is going to cause damage. I guess the question is, just how much can I take before I break?

      One thing i didn’t mention in the original post was the conversation I had with my therapist. When I told her I was seriously thinking about taking steps to begin HRT, she didn’t even bat an eyelash before agreeing I needed to do so. In fact, she made discussing this with my doctor one of my homework assignments for our next meeting. I know I have changed over the time I have been seeing her, but to me those changes have been minor at best. She on the other hand clearly sees something I’m missing. Something like the fact I am more feminine in my mannerisms and actions, even when in “boy mode” than I suspected. When I saw her while full femme, she told me the following:
      When presenting male, she sees a male with many feminine qualities, when in female mode she saw a woman with some masculine qualities.
      What that told me was, no matter what I thought, my inner view of myself has leaked out into the “real world” to the point others noticed it. And this has been without my trying.
      I have spoken to her about this subject many times over the past year and I think she has seen how this has evolved even if I have refused to do so. If she was confident enough to make the strong suggestion she did, then I am closer to taking this step than I would have thought. I really doubt she would have agreed if she thought I wasn’t ready, or if it weren’t necessary.
      Of course, I need to have this confirmed by a second party, which is why I am going to let A speak with our doctor.

      Another thing is my inner pressures. Every day it seems the question is in my thoughts and, dodge it as I might, I cannot escape the knowledge this is something I will need to do. As I said, I have thought of every reason not to, all of the risks, all of the issues this brings with it and while at first the cons outweighed the pro’s, it has been slowly swinging the other direction until the cons just don’t matter any more.

      You spoke of making connections… That is another part of it too. I just can’t help but think that if my mind were functioning properly, (as under the influence of estrogene), things would be clearer.

      And maybe that is the most important, I don’t care so much about the physical changes… boobs are nice, but I want the brains…


      1. Thank you so much for going into full detail of what you were getting at in your post. I really do appreciate it, and have read over your comment a number of times. I’m not quite sure how to respond, given your most recent post “No Turning Back Now”. I can relate to the pressure you speak of and being scared due to the heart & mind not aligning and how often dodging the reality does come right back full force…

        I feel as though I would just be rehashing the points you made in your comment. So I’ll trust that with all the research you have done (goodness knows I need to get off my ass and stop avoiding it…), you are doing what is right for you. In your timing. In your needing to fulfill the pro’s.

        Your last point of being under the influence of estrogen & wanting the brains that comes from that is an alternative I never considered for myself. The physical is of little consequence to me, I have realized, amidst all the other internal tug-of-war that would be resolved over time. I feel like I am so far behind in what I should be looking at, but I’m thankful I can learn from someone like you who understands…

        I’m still young in many ways and I hope my perceptions don’t seem…well…childish to you, Kira.

      2. Ren’Ai,

        I would like to respond in an around a bout way if I might. I’m not sure if it will be helpful, but I hope it will.

        I do not think of you as childish, I never have. I know you have your own questions to ask and answers to seek. Even if, in the end, we arrive at the same place, we will have done so only by following our own path. No one can do this for us and no one can judge us for the decisions we have made.

        It is true I have been trying to understand as much as I can. I suppose the fact I have been looking into this for so long and in as much detail as I have, should have been a clue I would reach this point sooner than later, but as I have said before, it is easy to fool yourself when you want to believe something. I really wanted to believe I would either never need take this step or at least be able to hold off for a number of years.
        I was fooling myself and I knew it, somewhere deep inside.
        I only hope you can learn from my mistake and avoid the pain I inflicted on myself.

        I think I will need to address what I am about to say in a separate post, but let me share a little something.
        Having at last accepted the need to move forward in regards to HRT, I have gained a measure of peace. Despite everything, this feels right and I know this is the correct decision at the right time. I cannot regret having waited to this point because I know I wasn’t ready before now.

        If there is one thing I would share with you, it is this; only take a step when you are ready to do so. There is no need to rush. If you have doubts, then wait. Do research, read what other have said… Take the time to listen to your heart. Then, when all doubt is gone and you can see clearly where you need to go… Then move as you must.

        One last thought…
        It might be, once I have spoken with my doctor, that I might not be able to go further down this path. I must be prepared for such a possibility. If such is the case… Even then, I know I have made the right choice at this moment. I will be strong enough to then look into other options with the same acceptance and determination as I have this one.

        Take care and never sell yourself short.


      1. Your so welcome. Mind if I ask a question, I hope not. As a female in menopause I was told by countless other women, not to take HRT as it causes cancer. Will it be different with your physiology? Don’t get me wrong, I think you becoming more of the woman you are inside is an awesome thing.

      2. I don’t mind questions 🙂

        The cancer risk for women from HRT is usually cervical overian cancer, which of course wouldn’t apply, but there is an increased risk of breast cancer as well, though it is slight.

        The real risks for me are blood clots or aneurysms, also an increased risk of heart attack or stroke, which are my main concerns because of my family history.

        There are other side effects as well, but as A pointed out, there aren’t many medicines or treatments without a mile long list of possible complications… (and I tend to take her word on it because she works in a pharmacy and has to know a great deal about a lot of different medications).

  2. A loves you, and wants you to be healthy, so of course she’s going to talk to a doctor. There’s a long list of hideous side effects for every medication out there; ever listen to one of those commercials for RA medicines? I know this is a huge step, and it scares you, but you need to know one way or the other whether this is even an option for you. Keep talking, keep moving, try not to panic. ((Hugs))

    1. If I remember correctly, the cover of the greatest book ever written, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy”, has blazoned across its cover this advice: Don’t Panic!

      Seems to be very good advice indeed!

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