Yes, It’s Been One Of Those Days… Months… Years… Lives… *Sigh*

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Some days I just don’t know what I’m feeling and this is one of those days. There is so much on my mind, so many worries and unknowns and there isn’t anything I can do about any of them. I spoke with A and she said I can talk about what is going on, as I said, I didn’t feel it was my place until I had permission and now I do.

She has been having some health issues for a while now but she didn’t see the doctor until last week… after I had told her more than once she should get checked out, (but that’s another argument for another day…) As it turns out her thyroid isn’t working. She is going to have some more tests done this week and then we should have a better idea of what is happening and the best treatment. The good news is whatever the diagnoses, they are all very treatable so the long term outlook is excellent.

However…

This is another worry which does weigh on me added to the fact I broached the subject of both dealing with my depression and my thoughts regarding HRT at the same time as her diagnosis came back…

Just typing that turns my stomach inside out…

From the beginning, I knew hormones might come into the picture, though I tried to convince myself they were something I would never need. We have spoken about them before and I think it fair to say she was less than enthusiastic. I understand her feelings, this is a step which has the potential to radically change our relationship. Though to give her credit, she has said time and again we will deal with whatever happens when it happens. 

Still I cannot help but feel guilty for adding my issues to her problems, not to mention all the guilt I have felt from day one just because I can see how my trans issues have, and continue to, turn the lives of those around me upside down. I feel as if I am  a burden… an ever growing, high maintenance, needy girl who demands too much attention.

A Little Honesty Here…

Thoughts

I was going to write a personal post, but right now I’m not in the best of places and I’m not comfortable talking about it yet, so instead I am going to do a little house cleaning and talk about the Awards I have been nominated for. Not to take anything away from the very kind people who thought of me, I do appreciate their kindness, but I just can’t continue to participate. At least not at this time.

There are things happening which are more important…

I wish I could explain. Maybe one day I will, only time will tell. As it stands, I am not comfortable trying to discuss it as I haven’t asked permission.

Sincerely,

Kira Moore

Another Step

Well, went to my session this morning and had a long talk which took us to places I hand’t anticipated, which is a good thing. Before I get into details I’ll share my homework for our next meeting…

Talk to my doctor about starting on an anti-depressant and at least begin a discussion about HRT.

Now to those pesky details. The discussions began with talking about the depression and my concerns over how it came out of no where. She agreed that if I felt such a level of concern, then it was something I needed to deal with and the sooner the better. As she told me, I will be amazed at the difference I will feel. I need to remember, my “normal” is anyone else’s abnormal, and this will give me a chance to finally feel the way I should. The thought of possible getting this under control is a great relief to say the least.

From there the conversation raged all over the place, from my last suicide attempt and the thoughts and feelings which surrounded that time in my life, to alcohol abuse to spirituality and all the way to porn of all things… I still have no idea how that came up in the conversation, but it did.

Then we came to the issue of HRT. This is something which has come up more than once during our sessions, but it always remained a hazy possibility somewhere in the future. Now it is becoming a more of an issue. It’s not overly pressing at this moment, but it has become a constant buzz in the back of my mind. I can no longer fool myself into thinking this isn’t something I am going to have to face at some point in the foreseeable future. Because of this, because it as remained a constant over time and is not going away, it’s best if I finally speak with a professional. Preferably someone who knows my medical history and can give me a competent assessment of the risks. This is something I am very nervous about. I simply do not know where he stands in regards to treating Trans* patients and I have no idea how he is going to react. Provided he doesn’t have any issues, I need him to tell me one way or another if this is something I can undertake. If I can’t then I am going to have to do some very serious thinking on what I will have to do in order to reach a point where I can live.

I don’t say comfortably with myself or with life in general. I have very serous concerns over what might happen if I find I will never be able to be the person I know I am… and that scares the hell out of me on more levels than I can express.

Then there is another issue which has me nearly in tears… and that is regarding A and our relationship. I know this was something she feared, something which is going to cause issues in how we relate to one another. We both understand this isn’t something I have chosen to do, that the path I follow is the only one I can, but so help me, it pains me to know this has to be tearing her up inside no matter how brave a face she puts on. She didn’t sign up only to watch me slipping away, moving in a direction she cannot follow. I still feel full transition isn’t in the cards, I just haven’t experienced the drive or desire to go to that point. I know that might change with time, I can’t completely rule anything out, but I just can’t see it at this point. I do know if I do cross that line then our relationship is over, but I cannot help but to think this step is putting me closer to that line in the sand, that indeed, it might be too close for us to remain together. It may be I am fearing over something which might never happen, but I can’t help it and it hurts more than I can say.

So that is where things stand tonight. One more step taken…

And none of us can ever go back.

Where Do I Go From Here?

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I have therapy scheduled for tomorrow. The most pressing thing is going to be discussing dealing with my depression. As much as I had hoped therapy alone would help, my last episode tells me I need to look at other options. After this weekend I’ll talk with A to see what sort of time frame we can work with so I can speak with our family doctor as well. I’m not sure what options I will have, but at this point anything will be better than doing nothing.

There are other things I would like to talk to her about as well if I have the time…

In the beginning, the thought of going out presenting as female was more than I could imagine. The very idea was terrifying, but as time as passed, even with my limited time being out, I have found the opposite is becoming true, that having to go out presenting as male is causing a low level, but growing level of anxiety, beyond even what I have experienced in social situations in the past. Even having to go to the store is a growing source of discomfort, and interacting with those around me is becoming more difficult. This has left me with a feeling of, not so much unhappiness, but of a deep sadness. 

I’m also feeling directionless and aimless. For a long time I was driven by my need to understand and then in not going crazy as I sorted through all of the thoughts and emotions which consumed every waking moment. Since things have settled down, at least in so far as my view of myself is concerned, I find myself at a loss as to where I need to go next and what’s needed to get there. Some days I think it is just a matter of moving past what I see of myself on the outside and concentrating on the inside, but I cannot really pin down how much more I can do. Other times I think doing something on the HRT side of things might be something I need to consider, at least to the point of looking into T blockers. This is a very serious issue because from what I have read, there are health risks which, when combined with my medical history, might make this too dangerous for me to qualify. Right now such concerns are just possibilities, I’m not sure what I will do if they are confirmed. None the less, I just can’t keep from thinking this is the next step I might find myself taking. To be honest, it leaves me feeling cold in the pit of my stomach…

Some Thoughts To Share

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Okay, I’ll admit it. Some days it’s difficult to come up with a post which is worth reading, never mind interesting or exciting. I want to be able to share something personal and not just informational, though being informative is one of my goals. There are times though, when I am left with posting a link to another blog which discusses something I would like to share, other times I can only write a poem or two.

The reason for this is a some what two edged sword in that it is a result of my having a “good” day when I have found myself in a time of calm. There are no crushing doubts, no bouts of depression, no important issues which have burned through my mind. The result being I am left at a loss as to what to write which is personal, which is what I have built this blog on.

Of course, I have had the pleasure, if you can call it that, to have managed to write a daily post for more than a year. Yes, this makes this more of a personal journal, but such was my goal in the beginning and remains so today. 

Something I have noticed recently is there are several blogs I follow which have morphed from this personal journal mode into places geared more to opinions and information sharing. There is nothing wrong with them doing so, but I don’t want this place to follow the same path if I can avoid it. 

I want to be able to speak to those things beyond the graphs, charts, and research papers. I want to discuss that which brings the human reality to the discussion. All the information in the world is useless if people find it impossible to relate to on their own terms. Not every one can relate to a gingerbread man, but they understand emotion. All of us have had those times when we are sad, or frightened,  when we have been overwhelmed by the circumstances of our lives. Who hasn’t experienced doubt or regretted a decision made? Who hasn’t looked back on their lives and tried to trace the path of memories to understand why they are at this point today?

Trying to maintain the personal is difficult as I have said, without becoming repetitious. What of those days, (as thankfully I have been able to enjoy more as time as passed), in which nothing really happens which I can share? Those days when my most pressing issue is what I am going to make for dinner? I know one of my personal goals has been to reach a point of returning to the ordinary. Days when my life is the same as everyone else’s, when from the time I wake until I sleep, I am simply myself. I find I am reaching such a point, and it is really nice in more ways than I could have ever appreciated before. This is not to say I am completely happy with where I am right now, I’m not sure I can can ever claim such a thing until I am able to live out full time, but you knew that already.

I don’t know where things will go from here, what I will write about or what subjects I will discuss. I suppose it is another aspect of walking into the unknown, of being alive, but I hope where ever I travel, you will follow. If you weren’t here, this would be a lonely journey indeed.

In A Dream

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Dreams are funny things, most come and go and are either soon forgotten or never remembered, but there are some which stay with you forever or so it seems. 

I bring this up because I had such a dream today. It will remain with me for a long time, not because of it’s clarity, much of it is now little more than hazy impressions, but for the ending. 

You see, this was a dream about my Father, a subject I rarely dream about. In truth he rarely enters my thoughts these days and by and large I am okay with that.. This is what made this dream even more surprising and memorable.

In the dream I was visiting my dad, he was talking when I reached up and brushed my hair back from my face. It was then it struck me I was presenting as female. Something I had never done in real life and as far as I can remember, never in a dream either. A bolt of fear shot through me before I really heard what he was saying. 

I don’t remember the words he spoke, but it was the feeling they brought which caught me off guard. Whatever they were, I knew they were of acceptance and understanding. I knew beyond doubt I was and would remain a loved child.

Now don’t get me wrong, in the harsh light of day I know this is as likely as pigs flying, but it doesn’t matter in regards to how it made me feel when I woke nor in the feelings which linger even now.

I’m not an expert on dreams, I can’t do in depth analysis or even the most basic of interpretations, yet I cannot help but feel this is some expression of a deeper self acceptance.

Whatever the case, I just know it left me with a feeling of calm and warmth which still leaves me with a smile.

An Interesting Article About Richard O’Brien, Writer of The Rocky Horror Show

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I believe myself probably to be about 70% male, 30% female”

Richard O’Brien

I just finished reading this BBC News article. A big thanks to Nicky for posting about this.

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I remember being blown away by The Rocky Horror Picture Show the first time I went to see a live performance in Chicago back in the 80s. It was so out there, so outrageous, and so much fun, I couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks. I’m sure I drove my friends crazy, but many of them went to see it as well and they all loved it too.

I never knew much about the writer, back then you couldn’t do a Google search or read everything on IMDb. It was eye opening to read about Richard O’Brien and to learn some of his thoughts and feelings regarding gender. I happen to be on the opposite side of things, seeing myself as more Female, but I can completely understand where he is coming from. As sometimes happens, I found a very real sense of validation in reading about someone who can understand what I am feeling and thinking. In knowing I truly am not alone in these things. I do hope others will read this article and have the same experience. Even knowing there are forums and chat rooms and loads of blogs which address this same issue, to be able to look at a real life figure and know they understand, even if you have never met, is a huge emotional boost.