Dysphoria, Emotions, Gender, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender, Transition

Gloomy Guss

I’ll admit today I haven’t wanted to think… I did the housework and found some music on youtube to listen to. I did much the same last night too, just finding something, anything, to fill the silence. I tried to do some writing, but it all fell apart. I just can’t get my head into the story at the moment. I’m surprised I’m able to put this post together at this point…

Every time my thoughts drift too close to anything gender related, it’s as if electricity is shooting through my nerves. I get nauseous and every muscle tingles. I’m having problems sleeping again and once I do fall asleep it isn’t long before I am up again. My dreams are troubling and fragmented and leave me with a feeling of unease. I’m distracted and listless and it’s difficult to focus. Thankfully, my mood has remained level, though there is an element of sadness when I think about where I wish to be, though I don’t suppose it is much of a surprise…

I so want to be positive, to keep my eyes on the goal, keep the fire of the dream burring bright, but it isn’t as easily done as said.

I hate sounding like a Gloomy gus. I remind myself there are others who have it worse than I…

Blogging, Dysphoria, Gender, Inspiration, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Questioning, Thoughts, Transgender, Understanding

A Source Of Inspiration

Isn’t it interesting how you can find inspiration in the words of another, not because what they say relates directly to you, but in their words you hear an echo of what you are feeling. This was the case when I read this. It is a post by Cassidy Frazee on her blog, Wide Awake But Dreaming.

I know when she wrote those words she had no idea I would find them or how they would touch me. It just shows we have the ability to inspire others without even knowing we have ever done so.

Emotions, Gender, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Questioning, Thoughts, Transgender, Understanding

Even If No One Is Listening…

I wonder sometimes if it’s better to be totally open and honest or if there are times when it is better to either remain silent or out right lie…

For now I am doing a little of both remaining silent and when pressed lying. Doing this bothers me, but I’m not sure I have much of a choice. When dealing with those who know about me, I have been silent, not looking to involve them in issues they can do nothing about and don’t really understand. In dealing with A…. I have not been truthful with her… When asked, I will tell her I am fine or that I’m tired, which isn’t entirely untrue. I am tired but not in the way I imply. Though I am physically tired, this is an emotional and mental exhaustion.

As much as I have been trying to maintain a brave face and to keep my chin up, I am at a point where I fear I have reached an end point. That where I am this moment in my transition is as far as I will go… Both physically and physiologically. I feel completely lost, no longer sure of my thoughts and feelings. Every day is so much like the one before, my thoughts, my sense of self, feel stalled and I have lost some connection to the image which has shone so brightly in my mind.

So many times this past week I have found myself simply wanting to give up.

I know this isn’t going to simply disappear, but I wonder, if I just stopped would I eventually find myself back where I was for all those years?

I don’t know.

I know I should just delete this, but I needed to say something, even if no one is listening…

 * * * * * *

Sorry, I had to step away for a little while.

As much as I love the things the internet provides, the one thing I don’t like is how difficult it is to fully express the emotions behind the words I type. I find it lost impossible to express the feelings I have been struggling with. The hopelessness, the unshakable weight of the pointlessness of fighting to be myself when the everything and everyone around me refuses to even try to understand or accept. Everyday I wake up with the knowledge I am going to face the world in a way which feels wrong. That in order to provide for myself and my family, I have to lie about who I am.  

The hard part is no longer feeling comfortable talking about this. Not just here, but with A. I feel I have leaned too heavily on those around me, become too much of a burden. I was able to keep things under control for so long and suddenly I can’t…

Emotions, Information, Kira, Life, Memories, News, Personal, Thinking, Thoughts, Transgender

In Silent Thought

With each passing day the worries about possible flooding goes down with the level of the river. From what I’ve read, we should get the all clear sometime this weekend and then I won’t have to sleep with one ear open. Thankfully we were spared the damage some in the state and even just a few miles away now have to deal with. The truly good news is no one from our area lost their lives which is the most important thing. Homes and possessions may have been damaged or destroyed, but all of that can be replaced.

Other than that, I’m not sure what more I can write about. I am at a low point at the moment, which is nothing new I suppose. Much of the day has been spent in silent thought and wiping away the tears which fall. I can’t seem to find the words to describe what I am feeling, but maybe I just need to feel without trying to understand what or why.

Creative Writing, Emotions, Kira, Life, Longing, Love, Lyrics, Memories, Music, Pain, Personal, Poetry, Song, Thoughts

The Morning After

The Morning After

By Kira A. Moore

Morning light,

Filters through

The grey clouds

Of dawn.

The rain

Outside my window,

Echoes the tears,

That refuse to fall.

Thunder vibrates

Through the walls,

Like your anger,

When you said goodbye.