I wonder sometimes if it’s better to be totally open and honest or if there are times when it is better to either remain silent or out right lie…
For now I am doing a little of both remaining silent and when pressed lying. Doing this bothers me, but I’m not sure I have much of a choice. When dealing with those who know about me, I have been silent, not looking to involve them in issues they can do nothing about and don’t really understand. In dealing with A…. I have not been truthful with her… When asked, I will tell her I am fine or that I’m tired, which isn’t entirely untrue. I am tired but not in the way I imply. Though I am physically tired, this is an emotional and mental exhaustion.
As much as I have been trying to maintain a brave face and to keep my chin up, I am at a point where I fear I have reached an end point. That where I am this moment in my transition is as far as I will go… Both physically and physiologically. I feel completely lost, no longer sure of my thoughts and feelings. Every day is so much like the one before, my thoughts, my sense of self, feel stalled and I have lost some connection to the image which has shone so brightly in my mind.
So many times this past week I have found myself simply wanting to give up.
I know this isn’t going to simply disappear, but I wonder, if I just stopped would I eventually find myself back where I was for all those years?
I don’t know.
I know I should just delete this, but I needed to say something, even if no one is listening…
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Sorry, I had to step away for a little while.
As much as I love the things the internet provides, the one thing I don’t like is how difficult it is to fully express the emotions behind the words I type. I find it lost impossible to express the feelings I have been struggling with. The hopelessness, the unshakable weight of the pointlessness of fighting to be myself when the everything and everyone around me refuses to even try to understand or accept. Everyday I wake up with the knowledge I am going to face the world in a way which feels wrong. That in order to provide for myself and my family, I have to lie about who I am.
The hard part is no longer feeling comfortable talking about this. Not just here, but with A. I feel I have leaned too heavily on those around me, become too much of a burden. I was able to keep things under control for so long and suddenly I can’t…