Gloomy Guss

I’ll admit today I haven’t wanted to think… I did the housework and found some music on youtube to listen to. I did much the same last night too, just finding something, anything, to fill the silence. I tried to do some writing, but it all fell apart. I just can’t get my head into the story at the moment. I’m surprised I’m able to put this post together at this point…

Every time my thoughts drift too close to anything gender related, it’s as if electricity is shooting through my nerves. I get nauseous and every muscle tingles. I’m having problems sleeping again and once I do fall asleep it isn’t long before I am up again. My dreams are troubling and fragmented and leave me with a feeling of unease. I’m distracted and listless and it’s difficult to focus. Thankfully, my mood has remained level, though there is an element of sadness when I think about where I wish to be, though I don’t suppose it is much of a surprise…

I so want to be positive, to keep my eyes on the goal, keep the fire of the dream burring bright, but it isn’t as easily done as said.

I hate sounding like a Gloomy gus. I remind myself there are others who have it worse than I…

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A Source Of Inspiration

Isn’t it interesting how you can find inspiration in the words of another, not because what they say relates directly to you, but in their words you hear an echo of what you are feeling. This was the case when I read this. It is a post by Cassidy Frazee on her blog, Wide Awake But Dreaming.

I know when she wrote those words she had no idea I would find them or how they would touch me. It just shows we have the ability to inspire others without even knowing we have ever done so.

Even If No One Is Listening…

I wonder sometimes if it’s better to be totally open and honest or if there are times when it is better to either remain silent or out right lie…

For now I am doing a little of both remaining silent and when pressed lying. Doing this bothers me, but I’m not sure I have much of a choice. When dealing with those who know about me, I have been silent, not looking to involve them in issues they can do nothing about and don’t really understand. In dealing with A…. I have not been truthful with her… When asked, I will tell her I am fine or that I’m tired, which isn’t entirely untrue. I am tired but not in the way I imply. Though I am physically tired, this is an emotional and mental exhaustion.

As much as I have been trying to maintain a brave face and to keep my chin up, I am at a point where I fear I have reached an end point. That where I am this moment in my transition is as far as I will go… Both physically and physiologically. I feel completely lost, no longer sure of my thoughts and feelings. Every day is so much like the one before, my thoughts, my sense of self, feel stalled and I have lost some connection to the image which has shone so brightly in my mind.

So many times this past week I have found myself simply wanting to give up.

I know this isn’t going to simply disappear, but I wonder, if I just stopped would I eventually find myself back where I was for all those years?

I don’t know.

I know I should just delete this, but I needed to say something, even if no one is listening…

 * * * * * *

Sorry, I had to step away for a little while.

As much as I love the things the internet provides, the one thing I don’t like is how difficult it is to fully express the emotions behind the words I type. I find it lost impossible to express the feelings I have been struggling with. The hopelessness, the unshakable weight of the pointlessness of fighting to be myself when the everything and everyone around me refuses to even try to understand or accept. Everyday I wake up with the knowledge I am going to face the world in a way which feels wrong. That in order to provide for myself and my family, I have to lie about who I am.  

The hard part is no longer feeling comfortable talking about this. Not just here, but with A. I feel I have leaned too heavily on those around me, become too much of a burden. I was able to keep things under control for so long and suddenly I can’t…

In Silent Thought

With each passing day the worries about possible flooding goes down with the level of the river. From what I’ve read, we should get the all clear sometime this weekend and then I won’t have to sleep with one ear open. Thankfully we were spared the damage some in the state and even just a few miles away now have to deal with. The truly good news is no one from our area lost their lives which is the most important thing. Homes and possessions may have been damaged or destroyed, but all of that can be replaced.

Other than that, I’m not sure what more I can write about. I am at a low point at the moment, which is nothing new I suppose. Much of the day has been spent in silent thought and wiping away the tears which fall. I can’t seem to find the words to describe what I am feeling, but maybe I just need to feel without trying to understand what or why.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Not sure why but I felt a need to visit the past and listen to some of the music I loved when I was in high school. Maybe this is dating myself, but here is a playlist of some of my favorite songs.

In no particular order…

 

1) Open Arms by Journey

2) Your The Inspiration by Chicago

3) Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by Air Supply

4) Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

5) True Colors by Cyndi Lauper

6) She’s Waiting by Eric Clapton

7) The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

8) Words Get In The Way by Gloria Estefan

9) The Break Up Song (They Don’t Write ‘Em) by The Greg Kihn Band

10) We Belong by Pat Benatar

Things Are Looking Better

So far, so good. The local river levels have remained steady over night and throughout the day. The city is looking into the time table for lifting the evac watch. It has been raining here, but it is light and isn’t expected to affect anything seriously, which is welcome news. The extended forecast is for dryer and warmer weather toward the end of the week. I’m not going to say we are out of the woods yet, but things are looking better.

On the personal front, my main issue has been a lack of creativity. Maybe it’s the stress of the past week or the problems with sleeping, but I just haven’t been able to write anything decent. I am going to try and get more rest and I need to look into some stress relief exercises. I love being able to write and I miss not being able to share my work with others. I know this will pass and so I have something to look forward to.

Well, speaking of needing more rest, I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, so I’ll bring this to a close and wish everyone a good night.

Kira

Another Day, More To Think About

The good news is there really is no news. No weather at the moment, no rushing flood waters. In fact, the new crest  forecasted has been lowered a half foot. Still a record, but it’s surprising how much relief such a small difference can bring. We are still going to need to be on alert in case anything unexpected happens, but I will feel a little better going to work tonight.

Maybe it’s the added stress of the past few days, but I have some issues mostly having to do with body image but also with my general presentation. It isn’t a major problem, just a constant, nagging discomfort at the edge of my thoughts. I hate to talk about these sort of things because I feel as if I am complaining just to be complaining, even though I know I’m not. I guess if it is enough for me to be concerned then I need to pay attention to what I am feeling. Odds are this will pass once things have settled down again and by the time I go back for my next therapy session it will be nothing more than a distant memory… at least I hope so.

Now that I think about it, maybe part of the concern I feel is the question of if this has anything to do with the antidepressant I’m on. I know there are possible side effects and I can’t help but wonder if this is part of it. As I write this, A is still at work so I’ll talk to her this evening and see what she thinks. She is more familiar with this than I am. If something unusual comes up I’ll do an update.

Okay, talked with A, there are some minor things I am now aware of which, while not a call for immediate action, are things I will need to keep an eye on. Tiredness, nausea, trouble sleeping, and the slight dysphoria. Everything has been pretty minor so far, but now e are aware of the  issues and will take steps as needed. If anything changes I will be sure to let you know.