Today has, for the most part, been one of the better ones. I had the chance to work through some things during my shift last night and so there is a sense of a weight having been lifted. One would think this leaves little to ponder on a Thursday evening, but alas you would be mistaken.
I had to run to the store for few things and doing so is a source of anxiety, though I can usually get in and out without too many issues… until some helpful soul asks, “can I help you, sir?” or a teller automatically finishes with a “have a nice day… sir.”
I understand, every time I walk out the door I am presenting as male, which is my decision for many reasons, but doing so is getting more difficult. More painful. It gets to the point some days I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to hide. I often wonder if it’s wrong to want to peel off my skin to reveal the real Kira trapped underneath.
I watch the people around me and think how lucky they are to simply be who they are. Of course they have no understanding of what their freedom means. Funny, I’m not jealous of them, male or female, I wish I could share in such a simple joy myself.
I guess I have always had these feelings, I know they have been more intense since I first came out, but now I feel them almost constantly and I wonder if it isn’t because I am hoping I can begin HRT soon. Really, I’m not sure how I will react if I am told it isn’t possible… I don’t even want to think of it, but I am pragmatic enough to know the possibility exists.
This leads my thoughts to considering some of the things I will still have to do to be able to present the way I want, which is going to include some additional clothing items, mainly to give me a more feminine figure which I won’t gain from hormones alone thanks to having gone through the wrong puberty. The good news on that front is I can buy the things I need and stay within a reasonable budget.
So, something positive to offset the negative.
One way or another I am going to make it through this in one piece, even f it kills me.