Forgiveness

I am a little surprised with myself. I guess I expected to be feeling at least a little down after what happened with the doctor, after all, this is a setback. Yet I can’t find it in myself to feel sad about this. It just seems to be a minor thing, not a life altering chasm I cannot get past. One of the things I know is I will have to wait until at least June before I will have the time to travel, as I have mentioned before, the nearest “major” city where I have found any Trans* related resources listed is three hours away by car. Such a trip isn’t impossible, just inconvenient and troublesome to schedule. That’s providing I can get an appointment with a gender specialist in a time frame I can work with. (I’m assuming this will have to be my first step before I can get a recommendation to an endocrinologist). From there I will see about HRT as I’m sure I will have to pretty much start over in showing it is something I need as opposed to simply want. This was the main reason I was hoping to keep things local if possible. 

Another aspect to this is my current emotional state, which has remained fairly steady. I have had plenty of time to think and work though a number of issues. I can’t really go into any details as much of this is very personal in nature and I’m not comfortable sharing it at this point. What matters is this; I have finally realized the most important thing I could do was to forgive myself. I know this seems obvious, but it is much easier said than done and I simply cannot truly forgive anyone else if I cannot do so for me first.

This is something i have been working toward for months, but it has just been over the past several days when I truly embraced this understanding and it has made a tremendous difference in my overall outlook on life. I mentioned it before and I will do so again, this has been such a freeing experience, I’m still coming to terms with what a difference it has already made in my thinking… it’s such a night and day sort of thing.

I’ll stop here for now. There is still so much to work through, but I’m simply getting too tired to think clearly.

19 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. Good for you Kira. What we fear and relate to are primarily the thoughts and emotions we create resulting from actual things that have/are taking place in our lives. Not the thing itself, but the trips we lay upon ourselves regarding those experiences, guilt, blame, etc. ( I speak from personal experience) When I understood the distinction of what I was, accidently, doing to myself with my emotions – my body relaxed, my immune system beefed up and I overcame an incurable illness! Keep steady and strong, you can do this, Penny

  2. You don’t really need an endocrinologist as any willing trans-friendly MD can do a baseline check of your hormone levels and monitor your progress as mine has done. The medical and psychiatric community as a whole already recognizes that both HRT and SRS are “medically necessary” and not elective and have been trying to convince insurance underwriters for years. Even the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association) no longer will be using the term Gender Identity Disorder and will place Gender Dysphoria in it’s own category. Checkout (http://behavenet.com/gender-identity-disorder) and (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Identity_Disorder). Remember what W.H. Murray said back in 1951 and you will open your eyes to a brave new world out there! Best wishes, dear Kira.

    1. I’ve had labs done, I’m just waiting for the results. I’m not sure what a doctor wil require, though I do know some want a referral from a specialist.
      I already knew about the upcoming changes to the DSM, though neither my therapist nor my doctor realized there was a new version about to be released. I know that sounds bad, and maybe it is, which is why I really want to work with someone who is up to speed of treating trans patients.

  3. Having to show that you need it and it’s not just you wasn’t it, why is that? Is it so insurance will cover it? So you can get government to acknowledge it? Both? Other?

    1. It seems everyone is so worried about being sued these days, they want to be extra special triple careful what you are asking them to do is what really, really…. really needs to be done. The idea of cross hormone therapy made my family doc absolutely skittish. I’m sure a true gender specialist will be able to understand all of this better, but when one looks at some of the requirements to get treatment, it really does seem as if you have to prove yourself every step of the way.
      I’ll admit some of my worries may well prove unfounded, but I think if I assume the worse and things turn out to be easier, then it will be a pleasant surprise.

  4. “patience obi wan” as skywalker said 😛 Remember what I was told in the Army: The challenge ahead of you is never greater than the force behind you. I can clearly see there are some supportive followers like myself that add to the force behind you. We add value to each of your waking experiences in the mornings because we look forward to seeing things you post and to follow along with your journey.

    Speaking of journey, remember that transitioning is a lonnnnnnnnnnng process unless you have stacks on stacks of money laying around to expedite things. Appreciate how far you have come and the rest of the path won’t seem so hard as it look before. Sometimes we need to go far distances and endure lots of crap to obtain happiness. Parts of the process itself doesn’t obtain the everlasting happiness and contentment you seek.

    Its the being yourself everyday and that you just so happen to need to align the outside projections to your liking. No destination will make you happy. The ride to it and after is what makes it great. No hannah montana references haha. I have met some in my support group that will not even get to SRS, but they been living full time for 10 years and not yet getting better paying jobs.

    Its ok not to disclose personal things if you don’t wish but being like shrek is the best way to do things. Better out than in. Blogging out my life to the public helps to reduce stress I carry around I think about. You will be surprised of more support you will get no matter what. I will never judge if you need someone to talk to. Email is in my contact tab.

    Wish you the best, smile and do what it takes sister 😀

    1. My number one concern now is with the internal. There well may come a time when I find I can go no further in external changes, and even should I decide one day to take those last steps, it will all be for nothing if I am not content with who I am regardless of how I look.

      As you point out, this is a life long process. I understand this and I see no reason to rush things. The current situation is a good example; it is going to be months before I can do anything. I simply don’t have any time I can take off from work and I won’t until June. As I see it, this is time in which to look into finding a gender specialist. Of course, even if I find someone to work with, it doesn’t mean I would be able to start treatment immediately. Realistically, I can see it taking a year mostly because I don’t know the cost involved.

      Regarding the personal things…

      These are things which concern others, not just myself and there is a very good chance they will read what I write and doing so is sure to cause pain which I really don’t want. For the time being it is better to keep them between myself and my therapist. Of course I am still going to spend time thinking about these issues and working to find a point of understanding and acceptance within myself.

      ((Hugs))

      Kira

      1. What I have also learned its great to network with as many people who are transitioning or who are done. They are guaranteed 110% to recognize and embrace who you are. I recently been reduced down to 3 local hang out friends and a handful of family members. So in response to that I shall rebuild a network but with trans individuals first then everyone else. the support group I found has been the best thing as well as finding people online like yourself.

        If you are ever in trouble 1-800-sui-cide. I am not assuming that was the issue but just saying it came in handy for me. One thing I have also learned that there is something about re-occurring depression just like if you have been a heat casualty. What it means is that if you ever had deep depression long term and got better. It will likely pop up again, anytime for no reason. Its countered by remembering its just a mood swing if you are ok. If not ok, medication is required to stabilize with the therapy.

        Major Depressive Disorder is not spoken about by many therapists. If only people knew about how that works, it would put long term therapy and meds out of business.

      2. I have been diagnosed with MDD and am receiving treatment.Best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I take suicide very seriously and though I have only written a few posts about it, it is something I think everyone needs to be aware of.

  5. I agree with the awareness. The army did constant suicide training and im thankful for it. It kicked in when I needed to help others and myself. That same training should be taught in schools or something.

  6. At the start of my transition I tried to go for self-medication with hormones. My local GP (doctor) refused to countenance such a path without approbation from the Gender Identity Clinic in London. This was due to his inexperience with the use and dangers of cross-sex hormones (I was, and still am, his only trans patient). I had to wait a further two years before I started on hormones (although, because of a foul-up by the GIC, I should have started them in September last year). So many people I have spoken to seem to view the doctors we see as obstacles to be overcome. I prefer to see them as gatekeepers, who open the doors that we need, not the doors that we want. It’s protection for us, as well as themselves. It was Harry Benjamin who instituted the two year RLE with the view that “If you cannot live for two years as a member of the opposite sex, how can you live the rest of your life in the same way?” (Sorry Kira, I do tend to get diarrhoea of the keyboard sometimes).

    1. Christine,

      No problem. 🙂

      I don’t have anything against a doctor wanting to make sure when they understand the issues. It is when someone comes to the discussion with a dismissive attitude and an unwillingness to learn which upsets me.

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