I am a little surprised with myself. I guess I expected to be feeling at least a little down after what happened with the doctor, after all, this is a setback. Yet I can’t find it in myself to feel sad about this. It just seems to be a minor thing, not a life altering chasm I cannot get past. One of the things I know is I will have to wait until at least June before I will have the time to travel, as I have mentioned before, the nearest “major” city where I have found any Trans* related resources listed is three hours away by car. Such a trip isn’t impossible, just inconvenient and troublesome to schedule. That’s providing I can get an appointment with a gender specialist in a time frame I can work with. (I’m assuming this will have to be my first step before I can get a recommendation to an endocrinologist). From there I will see about HRT as I’m sure I will have to pretty much start over in showing it is something I need as opposed to simply want. This was the main reason I was hoping to keep things local if possible.
Another aspect to this is my current emotional state, which has remained fairly steady. I have had plenty of time to think and work though a number of issues. I can’t really go into any details as much of this is very personal in nature and I’m not comfortable sharing it at this point. What matters is this; I have finally realized the most important thing I could do was to forgive myself. I know this seems obvious, but it is much easier said than done and I simply cannot truly forgive anyone else if I cannot do so for me first.
This is something i have been working toward for months, but it has just been over the past several days when I truly embraced this understanding and it has made a tremendous difference in my overall outlook on life. I mentioned it before and I will do so again, this has been such a freeing experience, I’m still coming to terms with what a difference it has already made in my thinking… it’s such a night and day sort of thing.
I’ll stop here for now. There is still so much to work through, but I’m simply getting too tired to think clearly.