Creative Writing, Dreams, Emotions, Gender, Gender Identity, Girl Inside, Inspiration, Kira, Life, Longing, Manuscript, Memories, MtF, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender, Work In Progress, Writing

First Steps: Work In Progress

I had some time to myself today. Not as much as I need but more than I had hoped. I took the opportunity to pamper myself and just to relax in a way I rarely get to do these days. Given the fact school is now out, these times are going to be few and far between until Fall. It’s okay though, it is all part of the routine of our lives and I wouldn’t want it any other way. All too soon the children will be grown and off living their own lives and I hope I can look back on these times not as a trial or a chore but as something which brings to mind fond memories.

One of the interesting things I did was to take time to read a post titled “Amaryllis” It has nothing to do with me directly, but it gave me a way to think about my main character which I hadn’t thought of before… an interesting insight I have only glimpsed before when I have allowed my thoughts to sink into the pool of my own growing understanding of the person I kept hidden away for so long.

I have written about the creation of this character before, at least to the extent she exists in written form. From the very beginning I had a saying in mind, though I don’t remember where I first heard it, “write what you know.” I took this a step farther and also wrote “who I know” better than anyone… myself. As I mentioned, I wanted her to be the conduit for everything I was feeling and thinking. I wanted her to be as real as I am… more so. I wanted her to live and breath. I wanted, by shear force of will to bring her into the world and for me to disappear. For as long as I could remember she was the reality and I was her shadow.

Maybe all of this sounds stupid or worse. Maybe I just can’t find the words to express what I have felt for so long, even in those dark and dangerous days when I did everything possible to hide the truth from myself.

I often wondered if there was anyone else who felt as I did, as if my whole life was made of papiermache and the slightest pressure would tear it asunder and reveal the truth of who and what I was. Yes, it is true I didn’t understand who that was, but I knew it wasn’t the person looking back at me in the mirror every morning. It wasn’t who those around me thought they saw. I was nothing more than what others wanted to see and it was slowly ripping me apart. I remember a friend’s mom once told me she thought I was very mature for my age. What I couldn’t tell her was it just seemed that way because I had to keep such uncompromising control of myself. I had to be a perfect mirror to the world around me, that cynical, hateful, despicable world. I could let the truth out, not one little hint. I wound myself tighter and tighter until she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t whisper in my ear. Couldn’t color my vision. Only in dreams could she be free and finally not even there.

When I closed my eyes that first day and pictured her in my mind, I knew who she was. What she looked like, sounded like.I knew her better then I have known anyone in my life because in the end, when I had finally put away all of the lies and deceit I knew I was looking into the mirror of my soul and she is what I found there. Waiting as she has done for so long for me to finally realize we are one and the same, two sides to the same coin, never parted. There are times when I almost feel as if I had tried to split myself in two, to hide her away and become this thing I was expected to be and yet… and yet how could I have ever done so? She is the core of who and what I am and always has been. That little girl, that woman, has been at the center of all I am and have ever been. She has been the indomitable strength which has supported me. The surety of purpose which has driven me. She has been my compassion and my understanding. She has been my angel and my muse. I could not have lived for as long as I have without her.

This… this is what I want to write. This is who I want everyone to see. This is the reality I want everyone to come to understand through my words.

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5 thoughts on “First Steps: Work In Progress

  1. This post got me thinking about my auto-biography that I was going to write someday and I have decided not to write it as my memoirs anymore, but instead as a series of observations and insights that have come about through my journey, which is far from over, yet, and as you have called it “A Work In Progress.” Deanna Joy

  2. The first time I did a mirror fast, I was alarmed to find that without looking in the mirror, it was difficult to tell how I was really feeling. It was as though without a mirror, my brain couldn’t interpret the jumble of free-floating thoughts and feelings any of us might have on any given day and arrange them into an actual mood. I felt scattered, unmoored, adrift — that is, until I began to understand what was going on. It was like I didn’t trust my actual experiences and wanted some sort of verification of my state of mind by looking in the mirror — even though the mirror would never actually give me any new information. All it would do is serve as a sort of divining rod of my emotions: If I’m feeling blissed out, the mirror will reflect a smooth, relaxed face; when I’m stressed, the face that stares back at me looks lined, tense, rigid. Certainly we wear our moods on our faces, but this wasn’t about evaluating my expression; this was about looking at my face — which doesn’t really change all that much from day to day — and depending upon it to tell me how I was doing.

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