So, yesterday morning I had my appointment with my therapist. Things have changed a bit, location and time being to big ones, but thanks to a change in what I have to pay, I will also be able to go to more sessions, depending on schedules. Over all, a positive change I am quite happy with.
This session began with discussing my issues at the beginning of the week and the consequences. The big thing was in talking about how one small thing can have such a big impact on me, more then that, how all this affects those around me, mainly my children. It really has bothered me that I took out my negative feelings on the boys without realizing what I was doing until my middle son asked,”Why are you mad?” It was obvious he thought it was because of something he did which was wrong of me on a number of levels… I assured him it wasn’t him, it was me and I apologized. There was no doubt I had been short with him and his brother through no fault of their own. They were just being kids and I was being a bitch. That conversation caused me to really take a look at myself and my actions and to admit I was wrong to take out my personal issues on those around me. This lead me to realize, regardless of what I might think or wish regarding who I am and what it means for how I interact with the world, I cannot be someone I am not just because I think it is what others want of me. Honestly, this whole thing has made me wonder what I was like before I came out… If I was like that all of the time, it’s a wonder I have a family at all, and I can’t imagine how stressful it was for everyone to deal with me on a daily basis when they didn’t know what might set me off. The main thing to come out of this was to understand I had been able to recognize what had happened and change my behavior. What I need to do now is be able to do this in the beginning and take steps to deal with the issue before it can be become a problem. We’ll work on the more in future sessions and I think it will make a real difference.
We also spoke about dealing with anti trans sentiments as what we see so much of online which lead to a discussion about how this is only going to continue as long as the public awareness of trans people and issues continues to be in the news. We spoke of some of the high profile coming out stories which have been such hot topics including, Kirstin Beck, Fallon Fox, Laura Jane Grace, Lana Wachowski, and Jenna Talackova. From there the discussion lead to the fears which seem so common among trans people as expressed by Kirstin Beck in her television interview and how I related to so much she spoke about.
From there we talked about a number of different things including an interesting discussion about the differences she sees between me and some of the gay men she knows. I can’t remember all of the details so I’m not going to try and recreate what was said here, but it was interesting to hear her thoughts on the matter as a heterosexual, cis female.
Okay, I think I covered all of main points and really, I have rambled long enough, so I’ll wrap this up for now.