I’m not going to try and write a huge missive tonight. Though the dentist wasn’t as bad as I imagined and big part of my face, not to mention tongue are still numb, the whole experience has worn me out… so, I’ll just say I am doing well and plan to be back tomorrow.
Dentist visit over and back home. Half of my face is numb but extraction went quicker than I expected… I was only able to listen to one hand a half songs and it was over.
Not as bad as I feared, but I have more work which needs to be done, though better t get it dealt with now then have bigger problems down the road.
Leaving soon to have a tooth pulled… #nervous.
“Depression” by George Hodan
I read a post by another woman speaking of an incident she had while out which reminded her she doesn’t “pass“… a particular phrase I have come to despise… and mentioned how much it bothers her.
I can relate to this all too well. Even though I’m not out in public presenting as female on a regular basis, I am all too aware of not appearing very feminine (or for that matter very masculine). I mentioned this in passing yesterday, but I am all too conscience of the people around me and thinking of what they may be seeing, how they must be judging me, is a constant buzz in the back of my mind.
I want to convince myself I don’t care what people think, to believe their opinions don’t matter because I don’t know them and they do not know me, but I know I am fooling myself. I do care, I cannot help but care and thinking I am seen as something odd, some freak show, hurts me deeply.
One thing which bothers me is being told I am too sensitive, that I over think things. This idea no one bothers to think about all those issues which keep me awake and turn my stomach to ice.
It invalidates me.
It means my thoughts and feelings, my hopes and fears are inconsequential. It means who I am, what I am, my entire existence isn’t worth bothering anyone else mentioning.
This may not be what is in someones mind when they tell me these things, but it is how it comes across and I find it deeply hurtful. I find it gets me to doubting myself, to thinking maybe everyone is right and I’m being a bother when I should just keep my mouth shut.
In fact, this is much the same the way I feel when I want to talk with A about things. I don’t want to lean too heavily on her, especially when I know how much my issues bother her. I wish I was strong enough to deal with things on my own, but I’m not. Just acknowledging this much is painful. For so long I was able to stand on my own… to keep everything self contained and now I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t talk about things or at least come here and put them into words.
I made a point to get out of the house this weekend. Nothing major, went garage selling and then browsed several thrift shops. I managed to stay out and busy for a lot longer than I expected and had a pretty relaxing time.
At one point today I noted to A I still worry to a certain extent about the way I am perceived by others which earned me a disguised look from her… to which I admitted I was a little over sensitive and was told, “you think? I realize I really need to let these things go, to just not worry what others think of me and be myself. I’ll admit I have always had body image issues and worried about other saw me. Coming out as trans hasn’t changed this fact about myself. It now causes issues for different reasons and I need to come to terms with it… I guess this is as much as a self confidence issue as anything. It’s something I need to be aware of and just work a little bit at a time to over come it. Just another little self improvement project.
On a happier note, I found a cute green top I really liked, so I bought it. Nothing like a nice find to make a girl feel better!
Speaking of clothes, we have a ROSS store which just opened within walking distance of our home. We went and took a look yesterday during the grand opening. I was pleasantly surprised to find they carry my size and had things at reasonable prices. I want to go back and spend some more time looking around, so maybe a nice little day trip to do some window shopping…
I had a good therapy session today, though it did take some unexpected turns. Started out talking about my oldest and his bike wreck earlier this week. (He’s doing fine, thankfully, but now refuses to ride without a helmet). We then spoke about how I feel as if I’ve reached a quiet time, how I’m not feeling driven to pursue any thing physical in my transition and how I am instead using the time to rekindle my interests and hobbies which I had let slide because of all the energy I was spending on understanding myself. I really want to get back into those things which I enjoyed such as reading. This lead to talking about working on my autobiography, which then lead to how I have started reading Ellen DeGeneres and her book.
At some point the conversation came back around to the difference between Transgender and Transsexual, how Transsexual pertains to those seeking medical transition, as compared to those who do not. This brought us to talking about what surgery involves, what is done and why, what the results are, both internal and external. From there it took an interesting turn when I brought the idea of doctors one day being able to create and transplant a working reproductive system… something which might one day be possible using stem cells. Then it turned to cloning, not just organs but a full human. I could write a weeks worth of posts about the difference between Sci-Fi clones and what might be possible, but I figure it would get really boring really quickly to most people…
This lead to her final observation which came when she asked how long I had been studying Gender surgery and related subjects. (Which has been a little less than two years now.) She was surprised it has been such a short amour of time.
However, as I told her, I started reading about genetics and related subjects all the back in elementary school simply because I became interested in it… so I had some understanding of what was involved before I really had a reason to dig in such things.
She asked what I was going to be doing toward my transition over the next week and into the near future. I explained that because the more physical problems had subsided somewhat, I really wanted to work on the mental side of things, to reestablish my life outside of trans only issues. As I said before, I am not one dimensional, There is so much more of me and I deserve to be everything I can be.
I have another post I’m working on but it isn’t ready yet and I’m awaiting permission to use some images, so I’m going to chatter a little bit.
I am looking to expand my horizons on a number of fronts because quite frankly I’ve gotten lazy. In the not too distant past I kept up with new books coming out, new music by indie artists, and what was going on in the contemporary art scene as well as the latest news in technology. I have sadly fallen out of the habit of doing so, letting so many of my interests grow stale. Well, enough of that. I have started to rekindle my old interests, making them my new interests. Being cooped up in the house more than I like really leaves me wanting some adult conversation and some stimulating topics to pursue. I suppose this is one of the reasons I’m a bit of a tech nerd, a computer gives me the ability to stave off brain death… which is what happens when your main human interaction is with people young enough to be your kids… because, well… they’re your kids. As much as I like working nights because it really makes going to work easier, it really puts a damper of socializing. Add to this my lack of interests in going to places like bars and clubs, it makes Kira one dull girl most evenings.
So what’s a girl to do? A number of things actually. I’m putting together my own little TvGuide of programs I want to watch, both past and present. Thankfully I have an account with Netflix which makes things easier, I also have Hulu. I spoke before about the programs I currently like, Elementary, Orange Is the New Black, House of Cards. I also enjoy some anime shows, cartoons, and a few (very few) reality shows, most notably American Pickers, so I have plenty of choices.
I also enjoy a good movie, regardless of genre. One thing is, I really don’t care for going to the theater too often, I would rather enjoy a good flick at home… after all, there are simply some things which make it easier. The cost, a pause button, cheaper popcorn, soda, and candy. I mean why should I pay more for a popcorn and medium soda than I did to see the movie in the first place? The last movie I saw on the big screen was Star Trek: Into Darkness. On the other hand I have recently watched Oblivion, and Oz the Great and Powerful. In addition I have gone back to watch Hugo, Wreck It Ralph, and Rise of the Guardians.
Then there are books. At one point I was reading at least two books a week, and back in school there were times I was reading as much as a book a day. Even though I used reading as an escape growing up, I still think of it as an enjoyable pass time even when I’m not trying to get away from reality. Of all the things I lat slip over the past year and a half, this is the one which stung the most. I am now making a concerted effort to rekindle my reading habit. I am currently reading Ellen DeGeneres’s autobiography, “Seriously… I’m Kidding.” While I have never been a big fan, I wanted to read some autobiographies to get a better feel for writing my own and hers caught my eye. I’ve just started it, and it’s a bit cheesy at this point, I think it is going to be an interesting read. I am also going back an rereading Robert Jordan’s “Wheel of Time” series. It is an epic work of Fantasy and is destined to be a classic. Sadly Mr. Jordan died before he could finish his master work and the last two books were written by another author, still it well worth the time to read all fourteen novels.
So, there you go, a little insight into my offline life, at least the part which isn’t filled with being a parent and keeping house. At least it gives me a way to fill the time between when the dryer dings and the washer finishes…