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Thoughts For The Day

So… Another day, another hour in a dentist chair. I guess the good news is it will be a little while before I can get back in to finish this in depth cleaning. The bad news? Well, I still have a tooth which will need to be pulled and they want to take my wisdom teeth too… I don’t care about the wisdom teeth, they should have gone a long time ago, but this other one is being a major sore spot which is going to need to be dealt with sooner than later. The other bad thing? The pain killer they use isn’t doing the job completely and it wears off almost before the hour is up… and I was told they were using something stronger… <sigh> I’ll have to see what happens the next time I’m in.

 

Okay, enough of the light stuff.

 

In some small way I’ve been thankful for having other things to write about beyond Trans* issues. It however has been rather dishonest of me in that I have had things I should be talking about but haven’t. Part of it is I’ve had trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way I feel comfortable sharing, in another, I haven’t wanted to seem like I’m finding reasons to complain. Over all I have been fortunate in being able to maintain the status quo in both in my relationship with A and the boys, and I’ve remained functional in the male roles I have to keep up for them and at work. I know I didn’t express this very well, as I said, it has been a problem in how I wanted to explain things…

I believe I can handle working as male. It’s been sixteen years now, and even if there were not the issues with my coworkers, I still can’t say I could comfortably transition in such an environment. My day to day life however is becoming a different matter all together. 

Every day interactions have become more difficult. Just knowing I present as male is bad enough, but the constant barrage if male pronouns and greetings has become an endless stream of negativity. Every one a little barb which tears away another small piece of my heart. I think I mentioned before Jodi’s concern over how easy it is to push me over the edge from having a good day to having a bad day. A has also pointed out my bad days usually become bad weeks where she is back to walking on eggshells… this bothers me deeply. I don’t want her or the kids to feel this way, and I don’t want to feel it either… So to that end, I spoke with my doctor and had my Prozac dose doubled. I haven’t mentioned this before because I don’t want to jinx myself, but after today I think I can say it is helping, but I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not.

I had a salesman stop by today to try and sell me new windows, which is the last of my worries at the moment, but it was trying to be nice, which means what? You guess it it, plenty of attempted male bonding and a ton of male pronouns with a handful of “Guy” thrown in for good measure. Before this would have sent me into tailspin, but today it more or less ran off like water from a ducks back. I took note of it, but it was as if there was a window between the words and myself. It was a strange feeling to say the least. I guess I’m worried about have too much separation between myself and my emotions. As with so many things, I guess I’ll have to wait and see how it goes.

Still, each day it is becoming more apparent to me there is a line I am going to cross where I will no longer be able to interact with the world at large as male. I just don’t know if I should find the prospect exciting or terrifying. I think more of the latter and less of the former. 

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8 thoughts on “Thoughts For The Day

  1. At least with salesmen you can just say you’re not interested, and end the conversation. The rest of the world, of course, is a different matter altogether. I know it seems like small consolation right now, but it will get better eventually.

  2. Kira, transition is just one solution to our issues. Sometimes there are others but it’s sounding more and more to me like transition is your solution. Please don’t fear it. Embrace it and do what you can with it. Believe in yourself.

    Today a friend posted to my Facebook page something that I loved. It said “That little voice inside saying you can’t? It’s lying.” 🙂

    This is hard. Believe me, I do understand. This is hard. But you are strong. You have a beautiful and vibrant heart. And the world is a better place for you being in it.

    So move forward. I am, at tiny little baby steps, but forward I go. You can too.

  3. doubleinvert says:

    I remember facing that line. I thought that I could be David during the week and Connie on the weekend. Eventually, the weekends weren’t enough and I had to cross that line once and for all. This September 16 will be two years living as the real me full-time. It’s come with both incredible happiness and terrible sorrow.

    I hope your situation will truly get better, and that you will have everything you need, desire, and deserve.

    -Connie

  4. For some reason, I am not getting daily updates when you post even though I still remain a follower to your blog.
    You probably already know inside what I’m going to say, Kira, so I am going to show a little “tough love” and not mince words.
    Being “nice” to a window salesman who I presumed showed up unannounced at your door, I believe, is indicative of a deep seated desire to please everyone but yourself and eventually it could cost you your marriage and your kids or worse. From all you have written all these months, it just isn’t the Kira I believe I have come to know and love.
    You can’t protect your kids until they are all grown up and gone, it doesn’t work that way. Your emotional state is already buckling from severe stress that your problems with your teeth will be a drop in the bucket to the health challenges you will be facing. Your kids are not as naive as you may presume. They know something is amiss with their “father” and they are going to get more and more afraid of you the longer you put off allowing them to see more and more of Kira, not the unhappy facade you try to maintain at yours and your family’s peril. I believe, you are doing more harm to them than good. You might as well smoke like a chimney and shoot heroin because you are already killing Kira, one “sir” at a time.
    I’ve said my peace, Kira. Take it or leave it, it matters naught. As always, I wish you only the best. Hugs!
    Deanna Joy

    • Deanna Joy,

      If I didn’t want to hear what someone thinks, I wouldn’t allow comments.

      I understand your seeing this from a single point of view, mine and it tends to skew to the negative. The reason for this is simple actually, one of the reasons I started this blog was to give me a place to unload all of the negative, painful, and even dangerous thoughts I was having. Being able to write them here gives me the space I need to deal with the objectively instead of trying to keep it all in my head where I would get caught in a endless loop. I also realize this puts me in a rather bad light, as if all I do is complain and beat myself up over things I cannot change, but it really isn’t this way at all. Yes, I do have rough times, I do battle depression often, and I question myself and doubt myself every day, but doing so leads me to answers and understanding I cannot find by pretending everything is perfect in my little world.
      I am sorry if my musings cause you distress, I assure you, such was not my intention.

      Just to go back to something I brought up and you mentioned, the incident with the salesman. I wasn’t concerned about his feelings, I was concerned about my own. I have mentioned before I have been having a growing issue with the consequences of continuing to present as male. One thing I agreed with Jodi about was the need to adjust my anti-depressant and my doctor agreed. This was the first time I have been face to face with male culture since then and I was pleasantly surprised how little effect it had on me compared to what I had been dealing with. It was a wonderful feeling to not feel the dark jaws of depression close in just because of something which wasn’t done purposely. I think it is a real step forward or me and so I wanted to share.

      May this find you well,

      Kira A. Moore

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