So… Another day, another hour in a dentist chair. I guess the good news is it will be a little while before I can get back in to finish this in depth cleaning. The bad news? Well, I still have a tooth which will need to be pulled and they want to take my wisdom teeth too… I don’t care about the wisdom teeth, they should have gone a long time ago, but this other one is being a major sore spot which is going to need to be dealt with sooner than later. The other bad thing? The pain killer they use isn’t doing the job completely and it wears off almost before the hour is up… and I was told they were using something stronger… <sigh> I’ll have to see what happens the next time I’m in.
Okay, enough of the light stuff.
In some small way I’ve been thankful for having other things to write about beyond Trans* issues. It however has been rather dishonest of me in that I have had things I should be talking about but haven’t. Part of it is I’ve had trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings in a way I feel comfortable sharing, in another, I haven’t wanted to seem like I’m finding reasons to complain. Over all I have been fortunate in being able to maintain the status quo in both in my relationship with A and the boys, and I’ve remained functional in the male roles I have to keep up for them and at work. I know I didn’t express this very well, as I said, it has been a problem in how I wanted to explain things…
I believe I can handle working as male. It’s been sixteen years now, and even if there were not the issues with my coworkers, I still can’t say I could comfortably transition in such an environment. My day to day life however is becoming a different matter all together.
Every day interactions have become more difficult. Just knowing I present as male is bad enough, but the constant barrage if male pronouns and greetings has become an endless stream of negativity. Every one a little barb which tears away another small piece of my heart. I think I mentioned before Jodi’s concern over how easy it is to push me over the edge from having a good day to having a bad day. A has also pointed out my bad days usually become bad weeks where she is back to walking on eggshells… this bothers me deeply. I don’t want her or the kids to feel this way, and I don’t want to feel it either… So to that end, I spoke with my doctor and had my Prozac dose doubled. I haven’t mentioned this before because I don’t want to jinx myself, but after today I think I can say it is helping, but I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not.
I had a salesman stop by today to try and sell me new windows, which is the last of my worries at the moment, but it was trying to be nice, which means what? You guess it it, plenty of attempted male bonding and a ton of male pronouns with a handful of “Guy” thrown in for good measure. Before this would have sent me into tailspin, but today it more or less ran off like water from a ducks back. I took note of it, but it was as if there was a window between the words and myself. It was a strange feeling to say the least. I guess I’m worried about have too much separation between myself and my emotions. As with so many things, I guess I’ll have to wait and see how it goes.
Still, each day it is becoming more apparent to me there is a line I am going to cross where I will no longer be able to interact with the world at large as male. I just don’t know if I should find the prospect exciting or terrifying. I think more of the latter and less of the former.