Month: October 2013

One Day At A Time

This was a trying day to say the least, but it has ended better then I expected. My middle son came home having had a bad day in several ways and I had to help him work through it. Part of doing so involved me explaining to him just how much I understood what he was dealing with and my own experiences. It also lead to be coming out to him in all but pictures… It didn’t go well, just as I thought it would and it seemed I was going to have to make some very hard decisions… not tomorrow, today.

Let me just say, the whole reason I have resisted transitioning faster was because of A and my children. I knew from the beginning things were going to be difficult and I wanted to make things as gradual and seamless as I could… The thought of causing them more pain than I already have is something which weighs heavily on my mind every day. Now, things have reached a point where I have to decide to move forward, even knowing the distress it will cause, or to go into total lock down and wall myself off anything trans related. I know something though, doing so would eventually kill me. More than once the stress of being someone I’m not has become too much, even in those times when I didn’t understand what was happening, so odds are it would happen again and much quicker and with more devastating consequences. I was and am ready to pay such a price if it means I won’t cause more damage than I already have. I know, such talk doesn’t make any sense when you read it in black and white, but these have been and continue to be my thoughts. I never said I was logical…

When A got home she knew something had happened and we talked about it. I told her about the conversation I had with AM, (our middle son), and my reactions to it including my second thoughts about Thursday, not to mention any further progress.

Later she sat down with AM and had a talk and I guess explained things better then I did because as she told me, it went much better and he is willing to try to accept me as both Kira and dad, though she didn’t use my name… I suppose there will be time for that later… An interesting note, which is what really touched me out of all this was what AM had to say, which was,

“There are people in our neighborhood who aren’t very nice, so he will need to be careful.”

Imagine that…

I cannot tell you how thankful and appreciative I am of A for what she did. I won’t say I know how hard this was for her because I cannot walk in her shoes, but I do know it hasn’t been easy for her.

I don’t know what happens next, all I can do is take this one day at a time, but for now, those days will be spent looking forward and not standing in place.

And For A Moment I Didn’t Know How To Answer…

Today someone asked me my name…
and for a moment I didn’t know how to answer… 

Sad girl

 

A line from one of the Star Trek movies comes to mind and it seemed fitting…

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”

Simple logic as Mr. Spock would say…

But we humans aren’t so logical, so straight forward or simple, are we? 

It’s been noted I have finally reached a point which some have been waiting to see for some time now, a point where I have a decision to make. Do I take the next step forward or do I chose to stop…

Yes, from here it is a decision is it not? 

Do I chose the needs of the many? All those people in my life who have placed their trust in me, deserved or not? Or do I, either one way or another decide to meet my own needs?

This is an aspect of being trans which we don’t want to think about or talk about, the dirty little secret which gets swept under the rug until it is uncovered and thrown in our faces. 

Sometimes the weight of simply breathing, of waking up and facing another day, of making decisions which will break promises and destroy relationships is simply too much to bear any longer and someone chooses the most selfish choice of all…

We ask ourselves why, proclaim what a waste it is, how sad, how avoidable…

Yet deep down, we can all understand. We can all see ourselves walking the path they walked, reaching the same destination and, I think, watching with envy as they do what we have all thought about so many times before.

I’m sorry if this bothers some of you, if it makes you worry or think thoughts of your own… Too many times I have spoken when I should have remained silent. Written here what should not have been written. I have thought thoughts which never should have been shared, spoken words which can never be taken back…

Yet, would I be honest with you if I hid them all away?

It is something I have long known, even when I pretended not to. A door, an escape hatch, an endless rabbit hole which is there should I chose to use it. 

It is a constant presence at my back, the warm glow of promise. 

To this point I have refused to turn around, to look at it, to embrace it, to take it as my own. Still, the thought is there, the temptation remains and there are times, like now when I think I deserve such a pointless fate. 

I don’t claim it makes sense, or is logical on any level. It isn’t. It is mean and selfish. It is a cowardly way to avoid difficult decisions, responsibility, for ourselves and to others.

Yet in the end it is I who must decide to continue the fight or to give up.

 

 

California Conservatives Fabricate Another Story About Transgender Restroom Harassment.

As If This Was Unexpected… Not.

Opponents of California’s new law protecting transgender students (AB 1266) are intent on demonizing transgender students, and blogger Cristan Williams has debunked another fabricated claim of supposed restroom harassment.

Trans In America

There is an avenue of questioning I’ve thought about but never followed up on and it’s being Transgender/Transsexual in America or more to the point, in the United States because this is where I happen to live.

I decided to finally start looking into what information I can find online and what resources to look into offline, such as books, documentaries, magazine articles, and even daytime television if it’s worth watching… No Maury Povich, if you please.

I don’t mind having much of my contact with others being through online resources, but at some point I am going to have to embrace the world outside and it would make a real difference if I knew how to navigate these uncharted waters. It doesn’t help living someplace where LGBT+ is a hush, hush subject which is tolerated as long as it’s out of sight. Still, this is a part of the journey I feel I need to make. I don’t know what I’m going to find, but I’m sure it will be interesting.

A Pointless Exercise In Futility

Up until this past weekend, I was beginning to have doubts and second thoughts. Not just about Halloween, but about this entire process I’m going through. Every time I look at what I am up against, how far I have to go, what is left to be done and most of all the cost, not just finical but  also the emotional, mental, and physical price I and those around me are going to be asked to pay… I wonder if it’s truly worth it.

I have found though, this is pretty much a “Pointless Exercise In Futility” or to pt it anther way, a complete waste of time.

This is the truth I faced this past week after talking with my children about my plans for Halloween and finding their reactions to be discouraging to say the least. I understand they are children; teen, pre-teen, and grade schooler and I don’t expect them to really grasp a concept I still have trouble getting a grip on myself, but I guess, deep down I was really hoping for some level of support which isn’t realistic.

The thing is, I had to ask myself and be willing to truthfully answer this question: Could I slow down or even stop moving forward from where I am at this moment? Could I, for the sake of my loved ones, ever go back to being who I was before?

After days of soul searching, of trying to get my heart and mind around the idea of going no further, I had my answer.

No.

As much as I love my family, as much as I would like to have a “normal” life; I simply cannot be something I am not. I can’t pretend the past two years never happened the way I was able to over look, explain away, or ignore all of the things which kept pointing me in this direction for so long. 

The very thought makes me physically ill.

And so, as the title to this post says, such things are nothing more than a “Pointless Exercise In Futility” or to put it another way, a “Total Waste Of Time”. 

I cannot undo what has been done, I cannot un-become who I am at this moment.

Yes, I will have times of doubt, of confusion when I second guess everything. When I question my very purpose on this tiny little mud ball we call home, but I cannot stop moving forward any more than I could ever go back. 

What’s more… I don’t want to.