A Day

I have to thank A for today, she took what began as a bad day and made it something better. She talked me into getting out of the house to do some shopping which included a stop at the local Goodwill where she found me a cute grey. knitted, zip up sweater. (On top of this, she insisted I wear the sweater I posted about, the one with the trees, which did help take the edge off).

I’m still struggling with an uncertain future. A isn’t so sure if Jodi isn’t pushing me a little too hard and she has pointed out the issues we have the boys… something I am painfully aware of. 

This is where I am in conflict with myself and what I see happening to myself, my marriage, our family. As much as I want to hold things off for as long as possible, I just don’t know when I will hit the final wall and have to make a very real and serious decision. 

A has said she doesn’t want me to try and go back to how I was, it was too difficult to live through once, I don’t know if we could survive it again. Then again, I honestly don’t know if I could survive it… somehow I have a feeling that answer won’t be positive… What then am I to do I wonder, as much as I want to keep the kids out of this, will I be able to do so? Will A ever forgive me if I can’t? Will they? 

I do not have the answers. I know there are those who think things will work out better than I fear, but if there is one thing I have learned it is to never expect the best outcome from life, you are bound to find yourself disappointed.

I so want to hope for the best, to find some way to meld all the pieces of my life into a unified whole, yet I think it more likely I will end up losing everything. I don’t see how it can end any other way.

6 thoughts on “A Day

  1. What’s unclear to me is why you think you need to keep the kids out of this? There are many cases where a happy trans parent who openly dealt with their issues was preferred and resulted in more well adjusted children. I’m not sure I understand that requirement.

    1. Ok…
      One of the things A insisted on was my not coming out to the kids until they are older. My oldest is Autistic and my middle son has issues with depression and anxiety, and neither do well with sudden changes in their lives. My youngest, well, he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on, though last Halloween when he saw me in full Kira mode, told me I was “creepy.” It was disturbing to say the least.

      The truth is, the time when we have to sit them down and try to explain may come sooner than either of us want and we will have to deal with the fallout then.

  2. Hard choices never seem to wait for the “right time”. I would suggest that you don’t wait for the ax to fall to start teaching acceptance of everyone: man, woman or queer, by your examples. Children as wiser than you think; autistic, depressed, or anxious and they can see hypocrisy where adults hide in denial. Two of the common myths about autism is “People with autism can’t understand the emotions of others” and “People with autism are intellectually disabled.” You don’t need to “explain” to them anything if they can see that there is no such thing as one way for anyone, man or woman, to behave.

    1. Deanna,

      I know very well what my child is capable of. He is very intelligent, there has never been any doubt of that. He does, however, have limitations which are a result of Aspergers that I have to deal with every day.
      I know you and many others seem to think I am being too protective of my children and I was willing to accept this might be the case… until today, in fact less than an hour ago when I decided to bring up Halloween with him and explained I was going to dress the same this year as last to which I received a negative reaction including being called strange, creepy, and unnatural.

      I tried to understand why he felt this way, tried to get him to give me some idea of what he was thinking, but he isn’t sure himself and I had to drop it before he became agitated.

      So now I know what my children think of seeing me as Kira. They may not yet have all the words to explain what they feel or think, but their disapproval is clear.

      So should I just ignore their opinions and do what I want regardless of the consequences?

  3. I have come out to all my children, but I had it easy, my youngest is 18 (& he came out as trans before I did).

    I have grandchildren though, and have not come out to them, Maddy hides when they’re around. What I deal with is easier than your struggled Kira, but I understand the need to balance your need to be who you are with the reality of the world we live in not yet understanding we’re just people.

    I know the pain you must’ve felt as I remember having a conversation with my 11 year old granddaughter. She unintentionally said some very hurtful things she has learned from her dad’s side of the family, classmates, and the media she consumes.

    My heart goes out to you. Please accept a virtual hug. Thank you for sharing.

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