I have to thank A for today, she took what began as a bad day and made it something better. She talked me into getting out of the house to do some shopping which included a stop at the local Goodwill where she found me a cute grey. knitted, zip up sweater. (On top of this, she insisted I wear the sweater I posted about, the one with the trees, which did help take the edge off).
I’m still struggling with an uncertain future. A isn’t so sure if Jodi isn’t pushing me a little too hard and she has pointed out the issues we have the boys… something I am painfully aware of.
This is where I am in conflict with myself and what I see happening to myself, my marriage, our family. As much as I want to hold things off for as long as possible, I just don’t know when I will hit the final wall and have to make a very real and serious decision.
A has said she doesn’t want me to try and go back to how I was, it was too difficult to live through once, I don’t know if we could survive it again. Then again, I honestly don’t know if I could survive it… somehow I have a feeling that answer won’t be positive… What then am I to do I wonder, as much as I want to keep the kids out of this, will I be able to do so? Will A ever forgive me if I can’t? Will they?
I do not have the answers. I know there are those who think things will work out better than I fear, but if there is one thing I have learned it is to never expect the best outcome from life, you are bound to find yourself disappointed.
I so want to hope for the best, to find some way to meld all the pieces of my life into a unified whole, yet I think it more likely I will end up losing everything. I don’t see how it can end any other way.