Up until this past weekend, I was beginning to have doubts and second thoughts. Not just about Halloween, but about this entire process I’m going through. Every time I look at what I am up against, how far I have to go, what is left to be done and most of all the cost, not just finical but also the emotional, mental, and physical price I and those around me are going to be asked to pay… I wonder if it’s truly worth it.
I have found though, this is pretty much a “Pointless Exercise In Futility” or to pt it anther way, a complete waste of time.
This is the truth I faced this past week after talking with my children about my plans for Halloween and finding their reactions to be discouraging to say the least. I understand they are children; teen, pre-teen, and grade schooler and I don’t expect them to really grasp a concept I still have trouble getting a grip on myself, but I guess, deep down I was really hoping for some level of support which isn’t realistic.
The thing is, I had to ask myself and be willing to truthfully answer this question: Could I slow down or even stop moving forward from where I am at this moment? Could I, for the sake of my loved ones, ever go back to being who I was before?
After days of soul searching, of trying to get my heart and mind around the idea of going no further, I had my answer.
As much as I love my family, as much as I would like to have a “normal” life; I simply cannot be something I am not. I can’t pretend the past two years never happened the way I was able to over look, explain away, or ignore all of the things which kept pointing me in this direction for so long.
The very thought makes me physically ill.
And so, as the title to this post says, such things are nothing more than a “Pointless Exercise In Futility” or to put it another way, a “Total Waste Of Time”.
I cannot undo what has been done, I cannot un-become who I am at this moment.
Yes, I will have times of doubt, of confusion when I second guess everything. When I question my very purpose on this tiny little mud ball we call home, but I cannot stop moving forward any more than I could ever go back.
What’s more… I don’t want to.