A Pointless Exercise In Futility

Up until this past weekend, I was beginning to have doubts and second thoughts. Not just about Halloween, but about this entire process I’m going through. Every time I look at what I am up against, how far I have to go, what is left to be done and most of all the cost, not just finical but  also the emotional, mental, and physical price I and those around me are going to be asked to pay… I wonder if it’s truly worth it.

I have found though, this is pretty much a “Pointless Exercise In Futility” or to pt it anther way, a complete waste of time.

This is the truth I faced this past week after talking with my children about my plans for Halloween and finding their reactions to be discouraging to say the least. I understand they are children; teen, pre-teen, and grade schooler and I don’t expect them to really grasp a concept I still have trouble getting a grip on myself, but I guess, deep down I was really hoping for some level of support which isn’t realistic.

The thing is, I had to ask myself and be willing to truthfully answer this question: Could I slow down or even stop moving forward from where I am at this moment? Could I, for the sake of my loved ones, ever go back to being who I was before?

After days of soul searching, of trying to get my heart and mind around the idea of going no further, I had my answer.

No.

As much as I love my family, as much as I would like to have a “normal” life; I simply cannot be something I am not. I can’t pretend the past two years never happened the way I was able to over look, explain away, or ignore all of the things which kept pointing me in this direction for so long. 

The very thought makes me physically ill.

And so, as the title to this post says, such things are nothing more than a “Pointless Exercise In Futility” or to put it another way, a “Total Waste Of Time”. 

I cannot undo what has been done, I cannot un-become who I am at this moment.

Yes, I will have times of doubt, of confusion when I second guess everything. When I question my very purpose on this tiny little mud ball we call home, but I cannot stop moving forward any more than I could ever go back. 

What’s more… I don’t want to.

22 thoughts on “A Pointless Exercise In Futility

    1. That has been part of my problem, even if they never come around, it won’t change what I have to do for myself. It will just make it more heartbreaking.

      1. I know this is way different than your situation. My partner and I met in college back in 1969. Life got in the way and separated us. We both went our ways. She got married, had 2 children and lived her marriage life. I went my “gay” way ….. We always stayed in touch but distantly. We reconnected again in 1996 and have been together since. She got a divorce and I ended a 17 year relationship … neither of which were working.
        At the beginning, her adult children didn’t want to know her side of the story. “Dad already told us” ….. and they didn’t want to meet me.

        With time, they both came around …. and now we all are a family, grand kids and all.

        My point being …. yours need time. They are also younger than our adult kids. However, the hope is that this younger generation is more open and, may I say, tolerant.

        I wish you well. You will be in my thoughts!! Hugs ….
        🙂

      2. So different yet so much the same. In the end all we can do is hope we have done our best and that they will do theirs. As I said, they may come around, they may not, but as much as I want to protect them, I cannot continue to do so at the expense of my sanity.

      3. To be able to give something, you have to have it. You need to be strong …. yourself. And then, help others!!

        Best luck with this!!

  1. children, at whatever age, can understand and have compassion. in fact, as parents one of our duties, in my opinion, is to ensure that they can and do.

    the stretching and bending of mindsets and perceptions that accepting a transgender person facilitates actually makes for a better person, a more whole individual.

    there are parents who don’t share the hard realities with their children, as a way to shield them. but this doesn’t allow for a capacity for acceptance.

    what if one of our children were bullying a transgender kid at school? wouldn’t we address the issue immediately? try to help them to feel compassion? even if they were unable to wrap their heads around the notion of a person whose gender is different from the body into which they were born, wouldn’t we want our child to recognise the rights of others? their right to self-definition, to dignity?

    i am cis-gender queer. one of my older daughters had a very hard time with the fact that i love women. she was teased about it after her schoolmates saw my girl-friend and i holding hands one day when we picked her up from class. my daughter hated me, said i was a freak and was making her one too. (this was 25 years ago).

    it’s a different situation from your own i know…but for me this was evidence of a need to grow on the part of my daughter and her schoolmates. so i had a heart to heart with my daughter (it was no surprise to her that i was queer by the way, she’d known about it all along) and then i informed the teacher of the need for sensitivity lessons about the issue of ‘other than hetero’ sexuality.

    as parents, one of our jobs is to help our children grow. as a transgender parent this is much harder than just having to come out as gay, i know. it’s never easy to watch our children suffer. but growing pains, emotional or physical, are part of becoming a whole person. but don’t you think that your children will be better human beings for the challenge?

    please pardon my cis-gender-ness, and if my privilege is coloring my opinion on this, do feel free to engage me about it. my transgender daughter has already taught me much, and she’s only 10, so i suspect there is much about which i am clueless.

    what you are going through is hard even without children or a partner whose worlds are rocked to their cores by your reality. please understand that i don’t mean to marginalise your situation in any way.

    1. I understand where you are coming from and honestly, I think it is best to have different views of a situation both inside and out. Often it leads to better understanding.

      I know my children aren’t trying to hurt me, indeed they simply do not understand the situation yet, but as children often do, they are being honest. They have only ever known me one way and to suddenly change things is unsettling and upsetting especially when one of them is very much tied into a stable, predictable world at home. I have spent the last two years talking with them, trying to open their minds to tolerance of differences. To be compassionate and empathic to others and I think they are… to people who are not so close to them as I. For me, I am and will remain “Dad” the head male in the household because it is all they ever knew. I can’t blame them for feeling this way, it simply doesn’t make sense for me not to be who they have always seen me to be. It makes them uncomfortable and confused, at least for now.
      It is my hope, with time they will be able to adjust, to see me as a human being with thoughts and emotions just like themselves, but I also have to be prepared to accept the fact they might not. It is not my decision to make, it is theirs and I have to honor that as much as I wish them to honor my decisions.

      1. of one thing i am sure, kira. which is that you are a brave woman. i know that your children have learned top shelf values from their parents. it must be so difficult for you to walk that razor thin line between being true to yourself and being empathetic to the children who have only know you in the role of male.
        it of course isn’t the same as a child learning that their mom is queer. i can never know how your circumstances feel. but it may be that your children would surprise you and accept you for who you know yourself to be. and perhaps they would feel bad about you holding off on their accounts and think you had no faith in them.
        i read your blog and it touches deep places in me…because i think it must be so much harder for people in your situation than people like my daughter who will have always been the girl she knows herself to be.
        your sharing your life with complete strangers while you walk your path is so admirable!

        there’s no right or wrong way to go about this i think. just what is right for you or wrong for you.
        for you, as with most parents..the right way will always take into consideration the capacity for understanding your children possess…it will always be the way that doesn’t hurt your kids.

      2. One thing I am going to make sure they understand above all else is I never lost faith in them. They have their own burdens, even at such young ages and I don’t want to add to them. It is difficult enough for most children to understand such a fundamental change in a parent even when they are able to grasp the subtleties, it is even harder when many social and interpersonal interactions are difficult or impossible to grasp.
        There is more I would like to add, but… well, I’ve started to tear up just thinking about it and I need to go collect myself.

        Take care,
        Kira

      3. kira…tear up…i am while reading your blog…at times so much of emotional whirpools and rollercoasters i can never understand…but i feel you, sister…i feel you

  2. I saw your prior post about your son’s reaction. I have two thoughts about that. The first would be where did they learn this? Because it is learned. Friends of mine have a son who just turned 5. He’s seen me going through my transition. Recently, when I was going to meet them for lunch, the following exchange ensued.

    “I remember Liz! Sometimes Liz is David! And sometimes David is Liz!”

    “Does this bother you?”

    Child looks at his mother baffled at the question and shakes his head no, then says happily, “Liz is Liz. I like Liz!”

    My second thought might be to begin showing your children positive transgender stories. There are many out there. Lynn Conway, Janet Mock, Kristin Beck, Jenna Talackova, and many many more.

    You might find references like this one useful:

    Click to access SubkoviakandScudieri.pdf

    You may be able to ease your children into the awareness that gender is not as black and white as some want to claim. That’s what I would do if my children were young again. My failure to do that has cost me at least one adult son.

    1. Thank you so much for commenting and providing the link, I am going to look into what I can do as far as additional information is concerned.

      Part of the issue with my oldest is his autistic tendencies, which lead him to see the world and everything in it very literally. To him I have been a male and this is a natural, expected thing in his world. To step outside of this image is to do something he simply cannot comprehend the same way as the rest of us. It is then, un-natural and wrong. This view may change over time as he is exposed to me looking so different from what he expects… but maybe not, it’s impossible to tell at this point.

      1. my transgender daughter is also autistic…part of why her gender dysphoria is so strong is that nuance escapes her…social or biological…in her mind it is just plain wrong for a girl like herself to have boy parts…no matter how many trans-girls she meets or knows of that are grown and don’t intend the surgery…to her, it is just wrong to be a girl with boy parts.

      2. I know what you mean, AC understands the world in very clear cut ways, shades of grey are beyond him. On the other hand, I can understand your daughters feelings. It’s the wrong parts which have caused me a great deal of confusion and pain over the years, not to mention what society tries to insist is the only way of looking at things.

  3. I, too, had entertained the possibility of de-transitioning and for reasons just like those you mentioned. I chose to go forward, and there were some undesirable consequences. But, there has been much good too.

    There are no easy decisions in this process. We can only do so much.

    HUGS

    –Connie

  4. ((Hugs)) There’s gonna be bumps in the road. There’s probably gonna be a few boulders. But I really do have faith that you’ll all come through this together. You might get a little banged up in the process, but you’ll all survive.

    1. That is the hope… 🙂

      Of course, to try and do anything else is likely to lead to an undesirable result, so it isn’t like I have a choice… well, I do, but to live or die isn’t much of a choice is it?

  5. Love and blessings to you, Kira. I never gave up the belief that you would finally get what I have been trying to tell you all along, that you would reach that point of no turning back sooner than you expected. You have now chosen life over a living death and to say I am happy and elated for you would be an understatement.

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