My, How Things Have Changed

I made a mistake today. Nothing drastic, no puppies were harmed, and everyone lived happily ever after…

Okay, so maybe I got carried away there at the end…

This morning A and I decided to go out shopping after all the black Friday madness had settled down. I’m not sure why I decided to go without changing my presentation, but I did and I regretted it the moment I stepped out the door. Part of this was my being lazy… if I wanted to wear my hair, then I needed to do a little more work on myself even if I went sans makeup but I should have. The day wasn’t a total disaster, but I feel it would have went better if I had just been myself… Sometimes I need to have my nose rubbed in it before I learn the lesson.

I guess there is still a small voice of doubt whispering in my head, or maybe it’s just guilt… Guilt for feeling as if as move forward I am in some way hurting those I love…Even if A assures me I am a better person when  I’m simply myself… Maybe it’s a carry over from my childhood when I could never do anything right… could never please the people in my life who I wanted to please even when I cursed their names… 

No matter the reason I have to be honest enough with myself to know this is a step I have to take. I have to be willing to face the challenges ahead instead of seeking the path of least resistance because only by fighting for what I know is right will I truly be happy. The other way may seem easier at first but it comes at a high price; much higher than I can pay anymore.

Now I do have one stop tomorrow where I can’t be completely open. I have to do some IT work for the In-laws to get them back online. Afterwords… 

I want to make my first weekend foray into the world… in broad daylight… as I truly have always wanted to be.

… What I find amazing is the sentence I just wrote. Not so long ago even thinking of going out during the day was enough to make me physically ill, at the least it would twist my heart into knots and no… now it brings smile to my face… 

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Family Thanksgiving

The family get together for Thanksgiving… It’s a little more special since A’s brother and his family are able to be here this year. He’s in Army and was in Afghanistan  this time last last year.

As I write this, we are still waiting for for them and her sister’s family to arrive. We are certainly going to have a full house; eight adults and eight children.

The good news for me is I am in a better place now than I have been for the past week. Yes, I am technically in “him”mode, but only so far as not wearing my hair and expecting to hear many male pronouns. As I said, I am not out to the majority of her family, only her sister knows at this point but this may be the last year “he” will be around for the holidays…

It is this last which has been difficult for me. I am at another one of those “point of no return” places in this strange journey and as I think I have said before, this scares me to no end. From here forward, I don’t know what the future looks like or where I am going to go. Every step is a matter of hoping it will lead me to solid ground and not over a cliff.

Beyond this is how much I fear what this will mean for all of us… A, me, the kids… I so often feel as if I have caused too much damage already… done too many things, been too selfish… maybe more than anything I feel as if I have disappointed all those around me. A deserves a husband, the kids deserve a father… and I have never really been either of those things no matter how much I have tried.

It doesn’t help to know my struggling with these feelings as be obvious to A, and I assume, the kids. I was informed I have been moody, which I think was a polite way of saying “bitch.” The sad part is I can still convince myself I am hiding things well, or at least better than I use to, but as this shows, I was wrong.

I did sit down with A and discuss this and the fact I have tried to be in “boy” mode for the past several days hoping it would make today easier and I don’t think she was very pleased… as she has said more than once, I become “difficult” when ever I have tried this no matter what the reason. At this point I don’t think it’s even worth the effort.

So now I have stepped over a line. Yes, it is a line in my own head, but it is there is none the less. No, I’m not dressed out at the moment, at least not outwardly, but inside I might as well be.

I showed my brother and sister-in-law the pictures from Halloween. Interestingly enough, I found out A had posted pictures which they have seen, though I doubt they have connected the dots just yet… I’m still debating on how much I am going to tell them for now.

Still, I found it interesting he told me my pictures were scary because he knows women who look like I did. My sister-in-law simply pointed out she liked me as a blonde better than the darker hair I wore for the Halloween before.

The hard thing, sitting here, it feels as if I’m harboring a deep, dark secret just by not being complete open and honest with them… It is a very real weight on my heart and as happy as I should be, I want to cry…

As one last note, A said she wants to talk with her brother before I say anything, so I’ll just have to wait to see what happens.

 

 

 

An article I found on Facebook

A very thoughtful and well written article.

Alexander Hoofie's blog

The Emergence and Danger of the ‘Acceptable Trans* Narrative’

In the media, it’s either, “haha look at this funny man in a dress!” or “look at this wonderful, successful, white, middle class, passable trans person!” I guess the latter is a start, but I agree with this article in that society needs to start seeing the other trans people out there – the ones who aren’t white, middle class, well-educated; those who don’t have access to the medical treatments they may feel they need. Those who can’t even feel safe in their own neighborhoods because of the hatred and and violence they face. Also, not every trans person aligns perfectly with the gender binary, and the media has no clue how to handle it (think back to Sasha, the teenager who had hir skirt set on fire – some articles did change the male pronouns to gender neutral ones after the…

View original post 26 more words

Looking Forward Through The Week

I’m not sure what to think of this week. On one hand it’s a short week, which is good; on the other Thursday is a family holiday which will be spent with A’s family. I’m not complaining, at least we don’t have to deal with my side of the family, which was stressful for the few years we tried. Have I ever mentioned I’m the black sheep of my mother’s side? Yes, well, it’s a long, long story…

Anyway, the main thing for me is only one person on her side knows about me, to everyone else I’m still him… yecch.. So I get to spend a whole day being “one of the boys.” Can you tell how overjoyed I am?

Ok, enough of being a smart aleck… 

I’m rather nervous about this year, I really would like for it to be enjoyable and so I don’t want to find myself sinking into a depressed funk. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but I’ll figure out something.

Speaking of being out… I keep thinking about going out on the weekend to shop or just go around town or whatever and it keeps turning my stomach into knots… Not just this weekend, any weekend… It’s a combination of excitement and dread. 

I know A isn’t comfortable with the idea, but she’s being supportive none the less. She didn’t even say anything when I went to therapy wearing my wig… though the boys made an over exuberant show of dismay until they couldn’t keep a straight face… still, I can’t imagine the reaction if I went to the in-laws en femme and I don’t plan to find out… not this year anyway.

And maybe this is the real crux of my problem… I know this is going to happen sooner than later. I’m just holding off the inevitable, but I just can’t say I’m ready face A’s parents as myself yet.

Too much self doubt, too much fear.

Of course the thought of being out and about in broad daylight is pretty scary too, but odds are I’m not going to meet anyone I know or if I do, they will act like they don’t know me which is almost as good from my point of view.

I have to break this cycle of fear I’ve been living in. As I said, I don’t know 99.9% of the people I will walk past. They have no impact on my life beyond what I allow them to have.

I just have to remind myself of this fact.

Maybe most important of all… I want this. I want to live my life as myself and not as anyone else thinks I should be. I’ve gone that route as far as I can and I can’t go back… not and keep my sanity.

Transgender Resources: National Center For Transgender Equality (NCTE)

National Center for Transgender Equality

From their website:

About NCTE
NCTE StaffNCTE Staff and Interns, Winter 2009, at the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights
The National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) is a 501(c)3 social justice organization dedicated to advancing the equality of transgender people through advocacy, collaboration and empowerment.
NCTE was founded in 2003 by transgender activists who saw the urgent need for a consistent voice in Washington DC for transgender people.
NCTE provides this presence by monitoring federal activity and communicating this activity to our members around the country, providing congressional education, and establishing a center of expertise on transgender issues.
NCTE also works to strengthen the transgender movement and individual investment in this movement by highlighting opportunities for coalition building, promoting available resources, and providing technical assistance and training to transpeople and our allies
NCTE sees this type of assistance as strengthening new and existing transgender organizations and our allies, initiating coalition building, and empowering state and local advocates who can mobilize on the federal level.
Mission 
The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people.
By empowering transgender people and our allies to educate and influence policymakers and others, NCTE facilitates a strong and clear voice for transgender equality in our nation’s capital and around the country.