Talk It Out

I went to therapy this morning. I was ambivalent about going… I know it helps but there are times when I wonder if the help I find does’t lead into more trouble. I know it seems backward, yet every step forward I have taken has made the next one more difficult. Then again, I have a habit of over thinking these things and stressing myself out.

I’m not sure just where to start with the conversation between Jodi and I. I know she could tell I was having problems and my getting more upset the closer it was to my scheduled time didn’t help… Even now, sitting here thinking about things, I can feel the stress building and I can’t even tell you the reason for it… I just know I’m on the verge of tears…

I told her about feeling as if trying to live two lives is slowly tearing me apart… I told her about coming out to another coworker and my fear it will cost me my job, also about coming out to my old friend who has not said another word to me since. I spoke of how being on the receiving end of male pronouns is becoming more and more difficult to accept…

She asked if I had thought about going out wearing my hair, which I have more than once, thigh I haven’t done so yet… I know I will, it isn’t “if” but “when” now… She responded by saying she doubted anyone would use male pronouns if I did. She also told me she could grantee it won’t matter if word gets around at work, odds are people have been talking about me already… the long hair, the nails, that I act like a woman, talk like a woman… I suppose this would just be conformation, not some shocking revelation.

She told me it was likely I have been making people wonder about if I’m male or female for awhile now… which brought up the issue of pronouns again. As she pointed out, I could have a great day in every respect and still focus on the single time when someone mis-gendered me and she’s correct. Yesterday I had to make a trip to the store. None of the women I spoke to used any pronouns at all, the one man I spoke to called me “Mister” and that was all which stuck in my head. It’s happened in similar ways before. I can have a dozen nice encounters and I will zone in on the single bad one, which really wasn’t bad with the exception of a single word.

It was also pointed out to me, not for the first time, I am entirely too hard on myself… I am without a doubt my harshest critic. Both Jodi and A have told me this over and over again, now I just to get it through my thick skull.

As Jodi told me, every woman has things she doesn’t like about herself. Things about which she is self conscience. I’m no different. In fact this is something everybody deals with to one extent or another, it’s just part of being human. She’s right of course…

Another thing is I project my own doubts and fears onto everyone around me, assuming they see me the way I see myself. Thinking they are judging me the way I judge myself when the truth is, at this point I come across as more feminine than male. Enough so it gives people pause. I guess it is because she is the only one I have heard this from leads me to think she is just being once to me even though I know she has no reason to be anything but honest. After all, she is there to help me and I doubt she would see lies as being helpful in any way.

I do have to wonder…

Is what I am feeling now just another example of me trying to sabotage myself? Is this the part of me which feels I don’t have a right to be happy? To truly be myself? Which insists I’m not not worth the effort, not worthy of living a life in which I am not in constant pain…

Because pain is what I am feeling. This cold weight on my chest and endless waves of doubt and anxiety. 

There is fear too. Of the unknown, of the untested, of failure or being mistaken… or just plain wrong…

Something else I mentioned to Jodi was I have gone out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, paths in my life which I saw as too difficult, too prone to failure… I asked myself over and over, what if I’m not good enough. What if I’m wrong and what I think of as special is really a terrible failure? 

(Funny, sitting here, thinking these things, watching as the words scroll across the screen, I can see the scene from ‘Back To The Future” when the elder McFly says almost the exact same thing… Yet this is real life, not some movie where everything is resolved before the reel ends… This is reality, not make believe and failure has real consequences. 

Part of what scares me is not failing myself, but failing those who depend on me… What I do to myself is one thing, but what I cause in the lives of others is another.

I have to find balance somehow… I just don’t know how.

Now, just a fair warning… I decided to add a pic. Without makeup, without a wig… just plain ole me as I truly am… My God have mercy on my soul…

Kira Plain

12 thoughts on “Talk It Out

  1. Goodness, how frightening. You write very well, so well I can feel the fear myself. I know exactly what you mean. What you need to get to is the place where you go out and you do not even think about people looking at you. But how to get there? As soon as there is any self-consciousness, it is as if people are attracted to that. I admire your journey the more because I have never made it, never had that kind of courage. All I can say is you have come so far, and it would be terrible to stop now. And as for the job, goodness, I just do not know. Surely you could talk to them about it, break the ice gently? See if they accept who you really are? Otherwise in the long run, another job….but that does not solve anything really. Sorry I have not been very helpful, just feeling for you that is all…

    1. I know it may not seem like it, but just knowing you read the post and thought enough to comment is more helpful than you can know. Thank you.

      1. I follow your courageous journey with great affection and interest. It would not be so brave if things were more obvious. It is the ongoing set of hard choices that makes this so hard. Believe me, my heart goes with you…good luck!

  2. Your face has a lot of feminine features to begin with. HRT should treat you well, should you go down that road.

    Our choices have consequences. Many of those manifest in the form of choices made by others. At this point in my transition, I find it remarkable that the exact same people who wanted to talk to me, seek professional advice from me, or spend time with me, suddenly decide I’m some sort of monster. In each of these cases this came after knowing me for years and years.

    But I am not responsible for their choices. They are. My therapist and I worked on this quite a while until I saw that it truly was their responsibility. If they choose to act out of hate, anger, fear, and retribution, that is their choice. I did not make them do that. They choose to do that.

    And I learned something – that some people are false. They are false friends, false in their caring. It was a hard lesson but it was one I had to learn.

    I hope your situation goes better than mine did. And mine has gone better than the situations of some transwomen have gone. But no matter what, it is their choice, not yours.

    1. When I look at myself I can’t past seeing “Him” staring back at me. I see only the masculine. I know this is me, my looking through a warped lens, unable to see what other do. It is the same with many other aspects of myself, my voice in particular. Again, it is me not seeing a true reflection. I hope to be able to see what you see one day and I’m working on it, slowly and steadily.

      Your correct about not being responsible of what others think or do. The trick is to actually believe it to be true and not continue to assume their responsibility for ourselves. This is what I need to learn to do, it’s the only way I will be able to make the decisions I need to make for my own happiness.

  3. It is so hard to see what other people see. I totally understand what you’re feeling. HRT might help a lot with those feelings and with your perception of yourself. Taking photos now and then helps you see in a concrete way how different you look as time passes. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

  4. I like your photo, Kira. When I saw it, I thought, “She is a gentle soul with lots of integrity showing.” I mean it! I think your appearance – your bearing, posture, expression, etc – is already changing to show who you really are.

  5. I always love seeing pictures of people and putting a face with whose story I am reading. I think you look very feminine and like a sweet, gentle person just like I see in your writing.
    I know it’s so hard the worry about what others think. I visualize myself in a bubble that blocks out their voices so I can just hear my voice and that helps me. I’m wishing you all the best ❤

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