I’ve had to take some time and think about what I was going to write. Not to censor myself, because I have had to really think about who might be reading this blog, even in passing and I ask myself, is what I am posting helpful to someone who is just beginning to come to terms with being Trans*?
Obviously I cannot answer this, all I can say is being able to put my thoughts here has helped me and I guess this was the whole reason for starting in the first place… Yet I almost forget I am not alone in this life, there is all of you who read these words who are touched in some way by my life even though we have never met face to face. It is a reminder of the power of communication which can travel the weld at the speed of light.
There might be a young person looking for answers, looking for hope, looking to find another voice which speaks in a way which touches them when everything looks so hopeless… Maybe it’s the parent of such a child trying to come to terms with the reality they now face when they can only watch from the outside. Maybe it’s a friend, a lover, a relative… I will never know. Still all these symbols scrolling across the screen have a power, an ability beyond anything we might intend. We help or hurt, heal or injure with a single keystroke.
So here I sit. Originally I planned to write something about my therapy session today and I will, but there is more I need to think about writing. Some of it I know can be found in other places on the internet, namely Trans* 101 sites, but they are useless unless people like myself also point to them. The more road signs we can give to those seeking answers, the better. I don’t have all of the resources bookmarked on this computer, so I cannot make a list just yet. I am going to work of fixing the situation including adding a Links Page.
I want to move beyond this blog beyond just being a personal journal to being a resource in it’s own right. There may come a day when I am no longer here and I don’t want this to fade away. I want it to be a light, an electric pointer in the darkness to help just one person find their way… If there are more, then so much the better. So please give me a little time to goer myself organized and I’ll make changes and post information as I can.
So now to the reason I was going to write today… therapy.
First I pulled the trigger and did what I had been thinking about all week and that was to go to this session wearing my hair. No makeup, nothing fancy. Just a nice outfit and a wig. Oh, I did put on some lip protection, not lip gloss or chap stick, but moisturizing “lip therapy”… Sounds fancy, but it does keep them from drying out with those cold Winter winds and it was windy today…
Anyway, We talked about this past week starting with my last post. As I told Jodi, I want to reach the point where I simply have a normal day. Nothing fancy, no big plans for what I want to wear or where I want to go… I just want to be like every other woman out there and be comfortable without having to make a big production out of a simple trip to the store.
I also need to get past worrying about what other people think about my appearance, my voice, or any of the rest. Truly, 99.99% of the people I interact with on any given day really have no impact on my life so why should I worry about their opinion? I know, easier said than done, but I have to try. Just as so many other people do, simply walking out the door without tying themselves into knots worrying about things they have no control over. A girl is just a girl and a boy is just a boy and what do any of us really care which is which? Unless we are in a personal relationship, then the answer is not at all.
I know the majority of what I am feeling, of what bothers me, makes me nervous or anxious is what is inside of my own head. Maybe part of it is having spent so many years trying to be accepted by my own family, to show them I was worthy of being one of them, those feelings of inadequacy have carried over into everything I’ve done.
I’m not sure what I can do to overcome this, not yet. I told Jodi I can’t force an answer, As I have done with other problems, I just have to let this sit in the back of my mind and let my brain work through it in it’s own time. I have to have faith in myself. It isn’t easy, but I can do this.