I Can Do This

I’ve had to take some time and think about what I was going to write. Not to censor myself, because I have had to really think about who might be reading this blog, even in passing and I ask myself, is what I am posting helpful to someone who is just beginning to come to terms with being Trans*?

Obviously I cannot answer this, all I can say is being able to put my thoughts here has helped me and I guess this was the whole reason for starting in the first place… Yet I almost forget I am not alone in this life, there is all of you who read these words who are touched in some way by my life even though we have never met face to face. It is a reminder of the power of communication which can travel the weld at the speed of light.

There might be a young person looking for answers, looking for hope, looking to find another voice which speaks in a way which touches them when everything looks so hopeless… Maybe it’s the parent of such a child trying to come to terms with the reality they now face when they can only watch from the outside. Maybe it’s a friend, a lover, a relative… I will never know. Still all these symbols scrolling across the screen have a power, an ability beyond anything we might intend. We help or hurt, heal or injure with a single keystroke.

So here I sit. Originally I planned to write something about my therapy session today and I will, but there is more I need to think about writing. Some of it I know can be found in other places on the internet, namely Trans* 101 sites, but they are useless unless people like myself also point to them. The more road signs we can give to those seeking answers, the better. I don’t have all of the resources bookmarked on this computer, so I cannot make a list just yet. I am going to work of fixing the situation including adding a Links Page. 

I want to move beyond this blog beyond just being a personal journal to being a resource in it’s own right. There may come a day when I am no longer here and I don’t want this to fade away. I want it to be a light, an electric pointer in the darkness to help just one person find their way… If there are more, then so much the better. So please give me a little time to goer myself organized and I’ll make changes and post information as I can.

So now to the reason I was going to write today… therapy. 

First I pulled the trigger and did what I had been thinking about all week and that was to go to this session wearing my hair. No makeup, nothing fancy. Just a nice outfit and a wig. Oh, I did put on some lip protection, not lip gloss or chap stick, but moisturizing “lip therapy”… Sounds fancy, but it does keep them from drying out with those cold Winter winds and it was windy today…

Anyway, We talked about this past week starting with my last post. As I told Jodi, I want to reach the point where I simply have a normal day. Nothing fancy, no big plans for what I want to wear or where I want to go… I just want to be like every other woman out there and be comfortable without having to make a big production out of a simple trip to the store.

I also need to get past worrying about what other people think about my appearance, my voice, or any of the rest. Truly, 99.99% of the people I interact with on any given day really have no impact on my life so why should I worry about their opinion? I know, easier said than done, but I have to try. Just as so many other people do, simply walking out the door without tying themselves into knots worrying about things they have no control over. A girl is just a girl and a boy is just a boy and what do any of us really care which is which? Unless we are in a personal relationship, then the answer is not at all.

I know the majority of what I am feeling, of what bothers me, makes me nervous or anxious is what is inside of my own head. Maybe part of it is having spent so many years trying to be accepted by my own family, to show them I was worthy of being one of them, those feelings of inadequacy have carried over into everything I’ve done. 

I’m not sure what I can do to overcome this, not yet. I told Jodi I can’t force an answer, As I have done with other problems, I just have to let this sit in the back of my mind and let my brain work through it in it’s own time. I have to have faith in myself. It isn’t easy, but I can do this.

8 thoughts on “I Can Do This

  1. I think that the personal experience of every transwoman can be of value to those who follow us, if our writing is honest and open and doesn’t try to color the bad parts (like some trans blogs out there do). Yours is a very honest and human blog; future sisters who read it will very likely find value just in following your journey.

    However, I also agree that making the blog more of a resource than just the personal story is also a worthy goal. I look forward to however you choose to proceed.

  2. Having the conscious intent of making your blog a resource is very much an admirable goal. I think it’s a wonderful thing to know why you continue to update. I can’t tell you how many transformations my blog has gone through, despite having the same name throughout.

    And that’s the thing I hope you will never lose sight of. Despite your acquired following, I personally feel it’s important to not hold yourself to a standard that is outside of what you personally want to convey in this space. Maybe it’s easier for me to say that because I have no engaged following (1/4th of my “followers” are get-rich-quick-by-blogging moguls trying to “connect”), but do continue to be the “light” you want to be. Just never feel like you need to compromise what you put in your own closet. : )

    About the therapy portion, I agree on the mental struggle to get past feeling as though it needs to be a production to go out for something simple like food shopping or the bank. However, as a fellow trans* sister, what I’m learning is that you do what make you most comfortable in terms of your appearance.

    Some women are okay with going out with zero makeup and pajamas. I have a friend who won’t step foot out the house without being completely beautified in a skirt and cute shoes. I am certainlly more on the “beautifying” side, but hey, that’s what makes me happy (and takes 2 hours to accomplish usually hehe~). Both are personality and personal choices that we can make at any time because it makes ourselves feel good about who we are or we just don’t care.

    I think those confident feelings come with time and experience just “being” in general and knowing that it’s not the clothes we wear that make us female. In our case, it makes sense for us to need that kind of validation starting out, just like teenage girls do before they grow into themselves as women. That’s just my perception I’m trying to work on myself, but I totally understand where you’re coming from! ::hugs::

    1. I would like to be comfortable either way, to get done up when I want but to be confident enough to go without… Maybe I will reach such a point, maybe not, but it is a goal I am going to try and reach. 🙂

  3. Comfort in your skin comes with time Kira, as you experience being yourself for a long enough time for your emotions to catch up to your reality. You will find first that it is a joy just to dress and present yourself in a way that feels congruous with your inner reality, and when you do, you will want to do whatever you can to keep that feeling all the time.

    Eventually you will look back and realize how much less you are conscious about others’ perceptions of you than you were back when you were desperately trying to pass… as a man… when you were not. For many of us, hormones and full-time are the big contributors to that feeling. I had it after 24 hours with the right chemicals in my brain for the first time since I was 11 years old, and it only got stronger.

    Initially I was dressed and made up to the nines every day, just like my younger (cisfemale) sister, who puts on full makeup to get the mail or water the lawn. In time, I dress and make up just like my older sister, who is a semi-femme tomboy but also a successful power attorney; I rarely wear makeup now except for moisturizer and sunscreen, but you should see me when I am dressed for the opera, a night of dancing, or a fundraiser gala and ball. We find our own style and our own way of navigating this woman’s world.

    Comfort in your body will come in time. Two years in, and yesterday I found myself comfortable doing nude figure modeling for an artists’ group in which I participate. Two hours without a stitch of clothing, and I felt completely comfortable. So I can say I am comfortable now regardless of what I am wearing (or not wearing).

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