Looking Forward Through The Week

I’m not sure what to think of this week. On one hand it’s a short week, which is good; on the other Thursday is a family holiday which will be spent with A’s family. I’m not complaining, at least we don’t have to deal with my side of the family, which was stressful for the few years we tried. Have I ever mentioned I’m the black sheep of my mother’s side? Yes, well, it’s a long, long story…

Anyway, the main thing for me is only one person on her side knows about me, to everyone else I’m still him… yecch.. So I get to spend a whole day being “one of the boys.” Can you tell how overjoyed I am?

Ok, enough of being a smart aleck… 

I’m rather nervous about this year, I really would like for it to be enjoyable and so I don’t want to find myself sinking into a depressed funk. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but I’ll figure out something.

Speaking of being out… I keep thinking about going out on the weekend to shop or just go around town or whatever and it keeps turning my stomach into knots… Not just this weekend, any weekend… It’s a combination of excitement and dread. 

I know A isn’t comfortable with the idea, but she’s being supportive none the less. She didn’t even say anything when I went to therapy wearing my wig… though the boys made an over exuberant show of dismay until they couldn’t keep a straight face… still, I can’t imagine the reaction if I went to the in-laws en femme and I don’t plan to find out… not this year anyway.

And maybe this is the real crux of my problem… I know this is going to happen sooner than later. I’m just holding off the inevitable, but I just can’t say I’m ready face A’s parents as myself yet.

Too much self doubt, too much fear.

Of course the thought of being out and about in broad daylight is pretty scary too, but odds are I’m not going to meet anyone I know or if I do, they will act like they don’t know me which is almost as good from my point of view.

I have to break this cycle of fear I’ve been living in. As I said, I don’t know 99.9% of the people I will walk past. They have no impact on my life beyond what I allow them to have.

I just have to remind myself of this fact.

Maybe most important of all… I want this. I want to live my life as myself and not as anyone else thinks I should be. I’ve gone that route as far as I can and I can’t go back… not and keep my sanity.

8 thoughts on “Looking Forward Through The Week

  1. Little by little. One step at a time. No pressure.

    Certainly hope your Thanksgiving turns out more pleasant that you imagine. I’m hoping the same for myself.

  2. In my experience, the two things most likely to “out” you as an older woman (middle age or older) are voice and facial beard shadow. This is one reason I go mostly androgynously for the time being. Covering up my beard shadow is a long session of makeup work. But even without covering it up, I am still frequently referred to as one of the ladies, Ms., Ma’am, etc.

    My voice is another problem due to a paralyzed vocal cord from surgery years ago. It only functions because of an implant in that cord but the pitch range isn’t very wide. So rather than work on female pitch, which I eventually will correct via voice surgery, I work on eliminating male resonance (chest voice) and working to speak with female resonance (head voice).

    Dressing andro, with a strong lean feminine, pierced ears, long hair, and suppressing male resonance, I get gendered female anyway a lot. And when I don’t, I don’t worry about it unless someone is trying to be ugly or make a scene.

    The facial hair will be removed in due time via electrolysis. (If I were younger and had darker hair still, I’d try laser first but it is what it is.)

    And ultimately I want to consider facial feminization surgery (FFS). Most transwomen do not “need” FFS to live successfully but almost all transwomen can benefit from some softening of certain facial features.

    When I am fully made up and dressed female, I pass reliably and without pause in 98% of situations I’ve been in. And as the facial hair gets removed that should improve a bit more. Once I do the legal name and gender change next year, the next major milestone will be my voice surgery.

    I will note that the majority of transwomen successfully retrain their voices without any surgery at all, that surgery is never a guarantee, and that the patient still has to work at the new voice anyway, just in a different (and often easier) way than before. I don’t recommend voice surgery to other transwomen, but if you need it, ask, and I’ll give you my opinions and those of others about where to go and what expected costs would be.

    In short, you’re doing fine, Kira, and all your fears are quite normal and almost always overblown. This was true of me and is true of almost all transwomen. We almost all seem to go through these anxieties, learn to cope with them, and then begin to move on. It’s normal and you’ll figure this out in a way that works for you. 🙂

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