I’m not sure what to think of this week. On one hand it’s a short week, which is good; on the other Thursday is a family holiday which will be spent with A’s family. I’m not complaining, at least we don’t have to deal with my side of the family, which was stressful for the few years we tried. Have I ever mentioned I’m the black sheep of my mother’s side? Yes, well, it’s a long, long story…
Anyway, the main thing for me is only one person on her side knows about me, to everyone else I’m still him… yecch.. So I get to spend a whole day being “one of the boys.” Can you tell how overjoyed I am?
Ok, enough of being a smart aleck…
I’m rather nervous about this year, I really would like for it to be enjoyable and so I don’t want to find myself sinking into a depressed funk. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but I’ll figure out something.
Speaking of being out… I keep thinking about going out on the weekend to shop or just go around town or whatever and it keeps turning my stomach into knots… Not just this weekend, any weekend… It’s a combination of excitement and dread.
I know A isn’t comfortable with the idea, but she’s being supportive none the less. She didn’t even say anything when I went to therapy wearing my wig… though the boys made an over exuberant show of dismay until they couldn’t keep a straight face… still, I can’t imagine the reaction if I went to the in-laws en femme and I don’t plan to find out… not this year anyway.
And maybe this is the real crux of my problem… I know this is going to happen sooner than later. I’m just holding off the inevitable, but I just can’t say I’m ready face A’s parents as myself yet.
Too much self doubt, too much fear.
Of course the thought of being out and about in broad daylight is pretty scary too, but odds are I’m not going to meet anyone I know or if I do, they will act like they don’t know me which is almost as good from my point of view.
I have to break this cycle of fear I’ve been living in. As I said, I don’t know 99.9% of the people I will walk past. They have no impact on my life beyond what I allow them to have.
I just have to remind myself of this fact.
Maybe most important of all… I want this. I want to live my life as myself and not as anyone else thinks I should be. I’ve gone that route as far as I can and I can’t go back… not and keep my sanity.