The family get together for Thanksgiving… It’s a little more special since A’s brother and his family are able to be here this year. He’s in Army and was in Afghanistan this time last last year.
As I write this, we are still waiting for for them and her sister’s family to arrive. We are certainly going to have a full house; eight adults and eight children.
The good news for me is I am in a better place now than I have been for the past week. Yes, I am technically in “him”mode, but only so far as not wearing my hair and expecting to hear many male pronouns. As I said, I am not out to the majority of her family, only her sister knows at this point but this may be the last year “he” will be around for the holidays…
It is this last which has been difficult for me. I am at another one of those “point of no return” places in this strange journey and as I think I have said before, this scares me to no end. From here forward, I don’t know what the future looks like or where I am going to go. Every step is a matter of hoping it will lead me to solid ground and not over a cliff.
Beyond this is how much I fear what this will mean for all of us… A, me, the kids… I so often feel as if I have caused too much damage already… done too many things, been too selfish… maybe more than anything I feel as if I have disappointed all those around me. A deserves a husband, the kids deserve a father… and I have never really been either of those things no matter how much I have tried.
It doesn’t help to know my struggling with these feelings as be obvious to A, and I assume, the kids. I was informed I have been moody, which I think was a polite way of saying “bitch.” The sad part is I can still convince myself I am hiding things well, or at least better than I use to, but as this shows, I was wrong.
I did sit down with A and discuss this and the fact I have tried to be in “boy” mode for the past several days hoping it would make today easier and I don’t think she was very pleased… as she has said more than once, I become “difficult” when ever I have tried this no matter what the reason. At this point I don’t think it’s even worth the effort.
So now I have stepped over a line. Yes, it is a line in my own head, but it is there is none the less. No, I’m not dressed out at the moment, at least not outwardly, but inside I might as well be.
I showed my brother and sister-in-law the pictures from Halloween. Interestingly enough, I found out A had posted pictures which they have seen, though I doubt they have connected the dots just yet… I’m still debating on how much I am going to tell them for now.
Still, I found it interesting he told me my pictures were scary because he knows women who look like I did. My sister-in-law simply pointed out she liked me as a blonde better than the darker hair I wore for the Halloween before.
The hard thing, sitting here, it feels as if I’m harboring a deep, dark secret just by not being complete open and honest with them… It is a very real weight on my heart and as happy as I should be, I want to cry…
As one last note, A said she wants to talk with her brother before I say anything, so I’ll just have to wait to see what happens.