This Heart

It might not be surprising to know this is a post which I have been working on all day… one of those times when I have to think about what I want to say, then reach deep inside to find the words.

 

Over the past several days I have been having panic attacks, nothing so dire I wasn’t able to function, (read, get my sorry tail into work), but it has been troubling to say the least and I have had to struggle to push through and past them. It has taken me a little time but I think I have found the reason for them, and it revolves around where I now find myself in regards to my transition, or more to the point, how comfortable I am with the decision to live more openly as myself, to go out into everyday life presenting as female… (something I once, in the not too distant past, thought of as impossible). Now the thought of not doing so gives me the same queasy feelings as doing so once did.

This is where the problem lies.

All during this journey I have lived in fear. The fear of doing something which those close to me would find unacceptable, things of which they could not or did not approve even when denying myself these things was painful or harmful…

Why? Why do such a thing to myself?

Because in my heart I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve to follow my hopes and dreams. I didn’t deserve to be who I really am if it was going to inconvenience those around me. 

I have a long history of giving up on myself so someone else would be happy, be more accepting of me and my behavior. To see value in me not for myself but what I could do for them…

I have been a commodity. Something to be used when I am useful and discarded when I am not.

I had no self worth and was thus worthless.

It’s difficult to sit here and read those words…

I read them again and again and try not to cry because they represent so much of what passed for my life.

Even now I am still struggling with this. I know, in my heart of hearts, it isn’t true. I have value. I have worth. I am more than what I can provide.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live my life for myself. I deserve to be myself no matter who that may be…

And yet…

Yet, my heart shudders at the thought. I feel as if I am being selfish, self centered, narcissistic. As if I am reaching beyond myself to be something I am not…

A pet trying to be an owner.

It hurts in a way I cannot fully put into words. This feeling as if I am doing something wrong… against nature… my nature. 

To be the potter and not the clay.

I can tell myself time after time; I am worthy, I am deserving. I have a right to be who and what I wish myself to be and there is no one who has a right to tell me differently…

But my heart trembles.

Fear lances through me.

I want to break down and cry… to let all of these emotions run free before they tear me apart.

Because this heart does not believe me.

18 thoughts on “This Heart

  1. The people who care and love you will not see it as being selfish or self-centered because you are doing something that makes you happy. To them you have value and deserve to be happy. They will be happy that your happy. You care and make them happy by sacrificing of yourself for them so they are willing to do the same for you.

    In a way its a role that is new for you. Like you said you have been giving to other people and saw that your life was about that other people’s happiness. Now your going against that nature and being selfish. That would be scary and hard to believe it is true that you can do that.

    But everyone has value including yourself. They deserve to do want makes them happy. But at the same time we should sacrifice of ourselves freely for someone else happiness. The question becomes where is the right point between our happiness and someone else happiness.

    But as time goes on your heart will understand what it has been denied. That it will see people happy that you can be what you want to be. That you do have value to them beyond what you can do for them. That your a wonderful and caring person. When that happens your heart will be happy for what you did for yourself along with what you have done others. 🙂

  2. You DO have value. You DO have worth. You ARE more than what you can provide! I know these cutesy affirmations can become meaningless after a while, but believe me when I say that my heart genuinely aches for you, sister. I don’t know if you believe in God, but personally I know that God loves you deeply. Your heart is lovely and worthy of love.

  3. So cry girl. It’s okay and necessary sometimes. Just don’t linger there in pity, We all visit it but cry and move forward. Regarding panic attacks, guess what? Menopause can give them to you too. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when they started and I wasn’t stressed or anything, then someone told me menopause, I got some good herbal supplements and they stopped. Thank God!

    Hang in there and pretty chin up!
    *•..¸ƸӜƷ ✿ღ ✫❀
    Sindy

    1. I’m glad you were able to treat them, I hate the feeling of having my chest squeezed… I have had some aftershocks but nothing compared to the first two… I’m sitting here ready to go to my therapy session, unless Jodi has to cancel, and the worst I felt was when I was debating on putting on makeup… which I didn’t. It’s too darn cold outside to worry about it, all I want to do is stay warm!

      PS: It’s 7 degrees F outside! Coldest night of the year so far.

      ((Hugs))
      Kira

  4. What you describe, Kira, is very similar to my own experience although I believe I did come to the realization much more quickly than you seem to have done for yourself. I would suggest that you give yourself a huge pat on the back (or let someone else do it so you don’t break your arm, LOL) because you are now one step ahead of the game that many will never achieve in a lifetime. Its scary to step out of one’s comfort zone and there is a strong tendency for even the best of us to take comfort in our misery, anxieties and self-doubts because it is often easier than stepping out. Its time to celebrate, Kira and you know what they say “When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.”
    Deanna Joy

  5. Kira, there is so much in this post that I can relate to.

    Your posts indicate that you are an extremely loving and caring person. But even aside from that, you are a real live human and that is why you deserve to be happy and whole.

    HUGS

    -Connie

  6. Draw strength from the replies listed here, you are not alone with these sentiments and others have all pulled through and come out the other side of thedoubts and loss of faith. You will be fine!

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