I almost made a terrible mistake tonight. As some of you may know, my oldest son is Autistic. He has been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and he takes medication to help him deal with the issues this causes. Being a teen though, he sometimes forgets to take is medicine unless either his mother or I remind him. I point this out because as I have since found out, he didn’t take his medicine this morning which is what lead to what happened just over an hour ago.
It began with an argument between him and his six year old brother over the Wii U. It escalated into a shouting match which is when I stepped in. I started out trying to be clam and reasonable, but the problem is, off of the medicine, he isn’t very reasonable. Things quickly spiraled out of control. The longer things went on, the more I found myself returning to my old ways of thinking and speaking… to returning to being “Him”… to being Greg. Yes, this is my actual male name, the one I have lived with and hated for as long as I can remember. When I think of who I was before, it is wrapped in that name. I am Kira now, as much as I can be, not Greg.
He wasn’t a very nice person in so many ways. He did, said, and thought things which make me sick when I think of them now. This all came crashing down on me when I realized just how close I was getting to being him again. Instead of walking away, I let my son… this child, push me to the edge. I finally told him, in front of his brothers what was about to happen… That if he continued to push me I was going to let “Him” back. I told them who I was now is not who I was but all it would take is the flip of a switch in my head and he would be back. I told them I was Kira now but I had been Greg before and all he needed was the smallest excuse to come back.
I asked them if they wanted me or him.
I cannot describe the fear in the eyes of the older two… They haven’t forgotten, may never forget that other person. Looking in their eyes, I realize things were so much worse than I ever imagined. The guilt I have felt over the things I remember doing and saying in those days doesn’t begin to compare to the horror I saw in their eyes… How could I have ever become such a creature that my own children were in such fear of me? Such fear my oldest was willing to walk out into 15 degree weather without a coat just so I wouldn’t flip that switch? To become that person again?
God, this hurts so much… I never wanted this for them, for A, for myself…
I know now, even if I lose everything, everything I fought of values or worth, I cannot… ever, let him loose on the world again.
I have felt this entire time, him just under the surface, waiting for me to slip, for me to loosen his bonds just the smallest bit and he would come roaring back… Sometimes I even thought such a thing would be for the best.
How could I ever think the lives of my loved ones would be better with him than with me?
Yes, I was once him… once a person named Greg. I am not that person any more, can never be him again. To do so would mean my death. Not just of who I am now, but of this physical being I inhabit. He will destroy it all.
It is what he was made to do.
He is death.
I don’t know how I can stand to hear that name again. It is not who I am. I pray to God it never is again.
I am Kira.
I cannot be anything other than this one thing… encompassed by something so simple as a name…
I cannot be both.
God help me, I cannot be both.
I cannot stand to see that look in my children’s eyes again.
One last thing…
My youngest never saw that part of who I was, thankfully…
Yet he asked me, “Were you a bad person?”
How can I answer such a question? How can I look at him and not feel the sorrow of what has happened?
I told him…
“Not any more.”
Please God, don’t let me have lied to him… He doesn’t deserve such a thing….
None of do.