I Used My Male Name Today

I used my male name today.

The when and where are not important. How doing so made me think and feel is. One simple word, nothing more. Something I have done countless times over so many years. This time. This time was different. It felt awkward and strange. It felt alien and wrong. It wasn’t who I am. I’m not sure it ever was. It was almost an epiphany, yet not. Almost deja vu, yet not.

Somewhere in my heart I knew this day would come. 

It seems I still held onto the thought I could close Pandora’s Box. Thought I could, when push came to shove, return at least outwardly to what I had been before. The thought I could do so with little or no consequence. Yet I knew. I knew a time would come when it just wasn’t possible any longer.

I used my male name today. When, where, even why are pointless details. 

As soon as the word was out of my mouth I knew.

I knew I could no longer use it and think nothing of it. 

It wasn’t me. It felt as if I were lying to the person in front of me. 

It felt wrong.

As the day passed, traveling here and there, I knew something more. I knew I couldn’t face the world half way. I couldn’t hope to dance the razors edge without getting cut.

I must face things head on, as myself. Not hiding even behind a baseball cap. 

I just can’t do it, no matter if it seems the right thing to do at the time. Not if it seems to be the easier path.

It will never be right again.

The easiest path is rarely the correct way, leading to greater pain and suffering than taking on a challenge head on from the start.

15 thoughts on “I Used My Male Name Today

  1. Mine slipped out at a local munch ordering food and I noticed it so quickly. I had him cross it out and put Caitlin. Odd as before I was full time I was introducing myself as Caitlin and this time when I used my birth name I was dressed as a wench as it was a halloween munch.


  2. Once I chose my real name, my birth name seemed alien. Yes, in those times when I had to use it for legal reasons, it felt wrong to say it in reference to me.


  3. I understand your situation and totally support it! My best friend went through all of this, changing name, waiting for his family to agree with it and get along with. His mother took a long time before calling him by his “new” name and not his birthname and I saw how weird it was for him (even for me!)
    I understand both sides (if i can say it this way) but I think people should be more informed and more tolerant…

  4. Very well said Kira, the east road does lead to more pain and suffering . Doing things right and proper are a much tougher road. My dad used to say if it is easy the results are not worth it. Work hard and enjoy the fruits of your labors for it will be worth the effort.
    i miss my dad today is the 32 year anniversary of his death. i am not sure how he would feel about Sindee but some how i think he would love me and support me.
    Best wishes to you in the upcoming New Year
    It is the year of KIRA !!!!

  5. Kira, Every day is an opportunity to learn, I believe you used it to the fullest this day. You learned more about yourself, and how deep the real you is. Take care, and learn from it. Bill

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