You Tell Me

Have you ever had one of those times when you’ve read or seen or heard something and your mind just won’t let it go?

 

This is where I am at the moment, having read a comment to a post I wrote recently. I’m not going to point out which one or what comment, I’m sure the author will know what I’m talking about.

 

First of all I want to say I’m not angry. I am a little hurt and a tad confused about what was written, but that’s not the reason I’m writing this. It’s more of a matter of feeling as if the whole incident which prompted me to writ e the first post was somehow misunderstood, or maybe I just haven’t been as clear in my writing as I could have been. I do have a habit of chasing after the emotional aspects of things as compared to the actual incident or words used, and maybe I took things a little to far… See, I’m doing it again, so let me get to the point…

 

Over the past year, but more so for the past several months I have found myself moving forward in a way I did not expect. Having stepped out into the world as myself and not being slammed fro doing so, but actually accepted on a level I did not expect, I have found a need to be… well, me more. It feels right. It feels natural. It is what I should have been doing for a long time now and I finally found the courage to do it. As I am learning, there is truth in the saying, “Courage is what you have when you have else.” I indeed found courage when there was nothing left but the pain of my existence in that moment. When the thought of doing nothing was more than my fear of the unknown and I found myself compelled to step out into the world in a way I had never done before. Once i crossed the line, there was no going back and I knew it the moment it happened.

That does not mean I have not struggled to continue to take baby steps, to confine my effort to times which will cause the least disruption to my family, but there is limit and I have reached it on a number of levels.

Going out as my “old” self has been feeling more and more wrong. I has felt like a lie, to myself and everyone around me. Using my male name leaves an oily feeling on my tongue and my stomach queazy. Every time I return home finding I am disgusted with myself, sick at heart I have let one more day pass through my fingers having caved to the pressure I am under to not tip the boat, the not shake things up, to not being the tallest nail because it gets hammered down first. 

I understand my loved ones need time and space to adjust and I have bent over backward to accommodate them and their feelings. I have drug my feet to the bone, driving myself to the point of physical pain to go as slowly as I can. 

At every point I have waited, stalled and delayed until I find myself in tears for no reason. Sick at heart for the pain I know I am causing others and trying in vain to find some way to stop this train before it runs me over.

And here I am again.

The need to present my true self to the world grows with each passing day. The thought of being seen as something I am not grates on my nerves until I want scream. 

Hearing the wrong pronouns tears at my heart and plunges me into depression.

The question I ask myself every single day is, at what point does my pain, my discomfort… my needs and desires become more important than those of my own family?

Is it selfish of me to desire to live an open and happy life content in who and what I am? Or should I just buckle down, accept this as my due because of he decisions I have made before this point? 

Quite simply, does a line from a stupid move ale more sense than I do?

Do the needs of the many really outweigh the needs of the few or the one?

Yes, it’s corny as hell but it’s a valid question.

I’ve been told I need to slow down, that I am moving too fast. That I don’t really need to take the steps I have taken…

Is this true? Am I just getting caught up in the moment?

I don’t know.

I really don’t.

What I do know is I am sick at heart over what is happening. I want to weep. I want to scream. I want to grind my teeth until my jaw breaks. Every moment I am awake is lie. Every breath I take stinks of deceit. I feel like a fraud. A fake.

 I have worn this clowns mask for so long it is graphed to my skin, this outfit is a straight jacket which keep me bound.

There are times I would rather die than go another day like this.

So tell me, am I just being selfish? Am I moving too fast? 

Should I slow down even more than I have?

Maybe I should just pack all these scattered pieces of me, put them back in their box and forget anything ere happened because in the end, nothing is going to change and all I am doing is torturing myself.

Since it seems I can no longer see the forest for the trees…

You tell me.

17 thoughts on “You Tell Me

  1. I simply remind you that in the sequel to that stupid (??!!) movie, another character said, “Because the needs of the one… outweigh the needs of the many.”
    No one said it was logical..

  2. Yes, my mind grabs hold of and won’t let go things like this as well. Seems it has a mind of its own.
    About your pace. It’s YOUR pace, YOUR process. How fast or how slow you go about anything is YOUR decision. And, hopefully, it all turns out to serve you well. Who can know what’s right or wrong for another in the big scheme of things? Of course, there are exceptions, when one asks for advice, when one seeks counseling, etc. I admire all you’ve been going through and think you’re doing great with a very complex difficult situation. Hugs.

  3. Kira, thank you for your latest comment. I’ll reply soon (hopefully).

    With everything that you have done up to this point, you have taken very brave steps. It’s not about the size of them, but the fact that you are moving forward in some capacity. I think that is a wonderful thing.

    It’s very easy to look at the experiences of others and think that we are not moving fast enough. Or that we are not serious enough about what we believe is right for ourselves. Or worse, that we aren’t “trans enough” because we aren’t fighting tooth and nail for our right to live truthfully. These kinds of things I’m gradually putting to the wayside because in the end, this is mine and your journey regardless of our development. The dysphoria & pain we experience is something we should acknowledge and be aware of, but suffering is something we can find ways to circumvent knowing that it is only temporary. As long as we keep the goal in sight, and share our heart with those who have loved us, we will find a way.

    Maybe it’s because I’m very strategic in my thinking, but I do understand how the day to day lies grate and erode what little growth we have. You know I am not immune to emotional damage just as you aren’t and it behooves us to remember where we came from when the dysphoria gets bad. I think we both hate looking back, but when no one is around to remind us, doing so saves us. Your many baby steps in 2013 have taken you quite the distance, Kira. Continue moving forward in 2014, even with carrying the weight of your family. Hopefully A and your boys will begin to recognize the stark and positive difference of who you once were and who you have become the more you open your heart to them and encourage them in their own lives.

    Time is always necessary, but is purely a relative construct of the mind. ::hugs::

    ~ Nina

  4. You have to do what feels best for your mental, physical, and emotional health. You’ll be no good to your family if you damage yourself by trying not to hurt them.

  5. Finding a balance between your needs and those of the people around you is hard. It is noit fair that some people put their own comfort above your happiness: that is a kind of selfishness too. And the problem with compromises is that they satisfy nobody. My wife decided she would prefer me to be a live, happy woman than a tortured man at risk of taking his own life. And it would be true to say that the effects of hiding, denying my true self had harmed our relationship far more than any possible repercussions of being honest and open.

    It is your life, your self. I believe it is important to cater to your own needs, and who knows those needs better than you? I know the discomfort — even pain — of hiding one’s true self from people which was why I transitioned socially within weeks of coming out at home. And while I’ve not transitioned at work yet I have been open and talked to colleagues to both test the water and give them time to prepare. All this is before starting medical treatment — I recognized that it was something I needed to do for my own well-being. Yes, I’m moving fast, but being myself is so important to me.

    I am aware that I don’t “pass” very successfully, but for me that is secondary to presenting as who I really am. I had been planning to delay my work transition until I was some way into my medical treatment, but I am reconsidering that decision. I feel uncomfortable presenting as male and going under my old name: that double life feels like a lie. Although I have made some decisions and put some timescales in place I feel able to change them in the light of experience. As Helmuth von Moltke said, “No plan survives contact with the enemy.”

  6. I can’t tell you, Kira. These are questions that only you can answer for yourself, just as only I could answer those questions when I asked them of myself. The answers that applied to me might or might not apply to you.

    Only you can and should decide how to proceed. I realize that’s probably a lonely feeling, and I understand.

    HUGS

    -Connie

  7. Truthfully, your needs outweigh the needs of anyone. It’s YOUR life. Other people have to choose how they want to live and how they want to feel…you can’t do that for them. Do it your way and let the others feel and do what they want. You can’t make anyone happy but yourself. If you live for everyone else, you won’t have a life of your own, you will have THEIR LIVES. If they don’t want to support your decision that is their choice. You have to decide one thing…do you want to live your life or do you want to live their lives? That’s really the only choice you actually have. If you never see them again you will be free to be who you are and you can build a new family. It sounds scary but people do that all the time for a lot of different reasons. Culture, religion, tradition, fear and conditioning all play their part, when families can’t accept or support family members who make different choices than they would like… it’s a form of control. It’s how society and the status quo control the masses. If you stay, then you will have to figure out a way to not be so unhappy and if you go, you will have to do the same thing. No one can make these choices for you. People can give you their opinions but again, it’s YOUR life. Those of us who write will not be impacted by your decision in any way. It’s a tough thing, no question about it. Will you be unhappy either way? Are you happy now? Something has to change, if the answers are all “No.” Only you can choose. I wish you good luck and I hope things go well for you no matter what you choose.

    1. Things are better at the moment, I still have a long way to go and I know there will be good times and bad, I only hope for more of the former than the latter.

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