I’m sitting here waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to finish brewing. When it does, I am going to get the Bailey’s out and make an Irish coffee. I’m hoping it will sooth my sore throat since Vicks quit adding alcohol to Nyquil.
This seems to be the yearly punishment for being the parent of three boys. If there is an illness in the news, you can be your going to get it sooner than later.
Okay, enough of the pity party, coffee’s done and this seems little more than an average cold…
uumm Irish coffee….
Oh, where was I?
Yes, I caught a cold. Yesterday I was feeling lousy and half expecting to have caught one of the nastier flu bugs, which is why I took the easy way out and just posted music videos and then went to bed.
Oh, and because with the exception of Gary Numan, these were songs I had recently discovered and wanted to share, though I had planned to post one a day over an entire week instead of all at once… the best laid plans of mice and all that jazz….
I do hope people found something they liked.
One bad thing about being sick is I had to cancel my therapy appointment for this morning, I didn’t want to pass this along to anyone else, so it will be another week before I have another session scheduled.
The truth is, nothing terrible has happened this week, which is sort of sad when I think about it and really shines a light on the way I use to measure my life not so long ago. I do have my little ups and down, but everyone has those… it’s… wait for it….
I am actually beginning to like the word.
I can even type it without cringing or wanting to spit as if I had tasted something foul…
BTW, tomorrow I probably won’t remember this post and even if I do I’ll blame it on the alcohol. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)
I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about. At one point today I had one of those sneaky negative thoughts come along… “If it looks like a duck; if it walks like a duck; if it quacks like a duck, then it is probably a duck.”
If you can’t guess, this is a reference to how I see my gender issues from time to time. Before the would have begun a downward spiral of thoughts and emotions which fed on each other until I was so buried in my own head I couldn’t see daylight.
No now. Not today.
The thought was broken by what popped into my head… “except for the ugly duckling. Sometimes everyone gets it wrong.”
Living a double life in so many ways isn’t easy, no matter how noble the intentions. My time is broken up through out the day I often have little chance to do anything for myself before the kids start returning from school and while I know now the way I look isn’t a problem for them, I do have to be out with the neighbors when the busses arrive and I’m not ready to deal with any of them just yet, so it’s just unadorned me out and about. It’s the same at work, and though I have been doing this for several years now, it still bothers me on a number of levels and truly aggravates me when I think I have to hide in plain sight because some people could never handle the truth… Small minds, small hearts….
Anyway, as long as this continues to be the life I lead, then I have to expect more ups and downs, more times of doubt and fear.
More times when I just want to give up.
Yet they pass.
In the end I realize I am who I am and nothing is going to change this simple truth.
Would I like to be myself all the time? Of course.
Would it reduce my stress levels? Yes and no. Going full time has its own issues to be dealt with which I cannot simply dismiss. It would be rather dishonest of me… at leas to myself and if you can’t be honest with yourself, then who can you be?
On the other side is how I am feeling more and more free each day. There is a weight lifted from my chest and I can breather easier than ever before. I find even in the darker times, in the middle of the night, things seem brighter, less immediate, and not as insurmountable.
No matter what I find myself smiling more, sometimes for no other reason than I feel like it. Yes there are tears and sometimes I don’t even know why they are there, but it’s fine. They are welcome.
You know, there are days when I feel as if I am simply floating in the river of life, being carried wherever the current takes me and I look at the sky above and think I haven’t moved at all, then I look at the world around me and realize miles have slipped past while I wasn’t paying attention.
I have said before, two steps forward, one back but it really sin’t like that at all. I am constantly moving forward even when I think I haven’t moved at all.
A thought which came to mind this week was this…
Every second is brand new, every step takes us into the unexplored. Every tick of the clock is a new universe because not matter how many times we may think we have walked the same path, it isn’t. Not really. There will always be something different from the last time even if it the play of single stand of hair in a shifting of the air. Every breath is different than the last and can never be repeated.
So why not seek to make the most of each second, every breath, that next step no matter where it is leading us?
We’re only going this way once.