Thoughts

I am simply going to write what comes into my mind tonight… I can’t think of another way to get through this.

 

The past few weeks have been physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. Much of it is due to having one or more of the kids home for either being sick or snow days. It has left me with very little down time to let my mind unwind. In fact, the first time I had all to myself was the past Saturday during the 20 minute drive to therapy. Yet even then, while I felt a sense of peace, there was a layer of numbness as well. 

During this time I have been having some issues. A feeling of being outside of everything. I felt as if I am not an “Other” but more of a “Neither.” 

I am neither male nor female. There is no where I fit. When I present as male, I feel wrong, out of place. As if I’m wrapped in a cocoon of deception. Every time I have heard ‘Greg’, it has been like a slap in the face. An almost physical blow. 

Yet when I present as female I am hyper aware of the things which make me anything but. My throat, my skin… “down there”… especially that. I find myself ashamed of this body… afraid it will betray me… I just wish it wasn’t there… that I would wake up from this nightmare and find myself as I need to be….

Is this dysphoria? I don’t know… It doesn’t really matter what name I use for it. It makes me want to break down. To cry until there are no more tears… It makes me sick to my stomach…. 

I keep asking myself why I can’t I accept things the way they are… Yet I know I cannot. I have never been be able to… not really. I tried to bury it with drugs and alcohol. I tried to burn it out with anger and self hatred. I tried to ignore it. To pretend I was like the people around me… 

But it wasn’t until I had no choice but to look at myself honestly. To acknowledge a truth which I had tried to hard to deny… Only then did I begin to find a measure of peace within myself…

How could I ever return to what I was… to who I was?

Yet I don’t know how to move forward either… not yet.

24 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. Hmm, did a 10 carat diamond feel if it was a 1 carat diamond or .75 carat because thats what most of us are used to see?

  2. I agree with Alison: it certainly sounds like dysphoria. You’ve been feeling a lot of the same things I do. I hope you find your path to peace and happiness. Love & hugs xx

  3. *hug* I know how you feel. For me, some peace was achieved through realizing that everything that makes me me really is female. My heart, my mind, my emotions… the rest is just a birth defect caused by the wrong hormones and going through the wrong puberty…. these can be fixed, it just takes time. I am a woman with severe hormonal imbalances.

    Also, starting hormone replacement therapy has done wonders for me. Yes, those feelings you describe are dysphoria. And it can be life threatening, so please take it seriously, sis!

    1. Thank you for these kind words. I am taking this very seriously and though HRT is still in the future, I am looking at other ways to mitigate the dysphoria at least until I can take more permanent action.

      1. I found that while I had to wait, going to a gender therapist to confirm what I knew in my heart was very affirming and helped a little. Daily application of moisturizer and shaving almost all of my body hair helped, too. Sometimes, since I had to work in “boy mode”, wearing something feminine underneath (bra, panties, maybe a chemise) helped… all stuff that no one noticed (despite my fear it would be glaringly obvious).

        I also recommend you start shopping for wardrobe *now*. Shoes, coats, gloves, scarves, hats, skirts, blouses… all of it. You will need an obscene amount of clothing when you do go full time… and buying pretty things (even if you’re on a thrift store budget like I am) can help.

        Also, remember you are on a process… it won’t happen overnight, but little by little you will get there. *hug*

  4. Discernment is a process that takes time. I’ve been legally transitioned for over a year, socially transitioned for about 2.5 years and I’m still discovering things about my gender identity.

    HUGS

    -Connie

  5. Kira,

    Thank you so much for visiting me again. I do appreciate your visits. I hope your well, and that life is treating you well. I say that knowing your conflicted, but your still here, your doing pretty good. Kira, I truly hope everything works out, and that you find the inner peace you deserve. Please take care Bill

    1. Bill,

      I am indeed doing well and it seems each day gets a little better. I am slowly finding more peace and comfort within myself and am finally discovering a person I enjoy spending time with 🙂

      Take care,
      Kira

  6. Though I am not going through what you are. I think a lot more people than you know feel your unrest. Perhaps not gender related but I think you write about your feelings with an art that makes me hurt for you and want to understand which I think may be one of the reasons you are sharing. Not just for those who can relate but to make those that don’t. Understand. And you have done that masterfully♡

    1. Thank you for those kind words.
      When I started this blog, I wanted to be able to tell people they are not alone. Pain, doubt, confusion… these are all things we share at one point or another regardless of the underlying reasons.

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