I am simply going to write what comes into my mind tonight… I can’t think of another way to get through this.
The past few weeks have been physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. Much of it is due to having one or more of the kids home for either being sick or snow days. It has left me with very little down time to let my mind unwind. In fact, the first time I had all to myself was the past Saturday during the 20 minute drive to therapy. Yet even then, while I felt a sense of peace, there was a layer of numbness as well.
During this time I have been having some issues. A feeling of being outside of everything. I felt as if I am not an “Other” but more of a “Neither.”
I am neither male nor female. There is no where I fit. When I present as male, I feel wrong, out of place. As if I’m wrapped in a cocoon of deception. Every time I have heard ‘Greg’, it has been like a slap in the face. An almost physical blow.
Yet when I present as female I am hyper aware of the things which make me anything but. My throat, my skin… “down there”… especially that. I find myself ashamed of this body… afraid it will betray me… I just wish it wasn’t there… that I would wake up from this nightmare and find myself as I need to be….
Is this dysphoria? I don’t know… It doesn’t really matter what name I use for it. It makes me want to break down. To cry until there are no more tears… It makes me sick to my stomach….
I keep asking myself why I can’t I accept things the way they are… Yet I know I cannot. I have never been be able to… not really. I tried to bury it with drugs and alcohol. I tried to burn it out with anger and self hatred. I tried to ignore it. To pretend I was like the people around me…
But it wasn’t until I had no choice but to look at myself honestly. To acknowledge a truth which I had tried to hard to deny… Only then did I begin to find a measure of peace within myself…
How could I ever return to what I was… to who I was?
Yet I don’t know how to move forward either… not yet.