Question and Answer

The question:

“Suppose you discovered that God hadn’t turned his back on you and you could still go to heaven. What would that mean for you/the rest of your life? Do you see that fixing problems or creating them, or both?”

My answer:

“I’ve had to think about your question and how I should answer. This is something which has and continues to weigh upon me with each passing day. 

There isn’t one simple answer to this, as much as I wish there were. You see, I think it depends on this… Am I accepted by Him as I am? A flawed, broken woman who resides in this flesh or in spite of this? I understand saved by grace and I’m not speaking of that, but of knowing if everything I have thought, said, and done over the past several years was part of the path He set me on or my own misguided wanderings in the dark? Have I followed His will or my own?The thought of having wasted what time He has allowed me following my own misguided pride is crushing… 

I can accept how He might have given me these burdens so His will could be shown, but to think I squandered everything? I don’t know.

If an angel suddenly appeared and told me the Father loved me as I am, broken, dirty, and not worth His notice… That He loved the woman I am… then it would be the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. And if he told me God loved me despite being a silly, misguided, deceived man who had lost his way….

Better to cast me into the fires of hell…

You see, this is my one true fear and has been from the beginning… 
Funny, I just thought about something. I can remember standing in front of the mirror, just a tan towel draped over my head and wishing it was hair instead. Of standing there dressed in my mothers clothes and knowing… knowing, beyond all doubt this is who I am… Not just what, but who. from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

Can you imagine what it would mean if I could cast my thoughts back to that confused little girl and tell her everything is going to be ok? To tell her God is with her and will never let her walk alone? That she is right, no matter what the world tells her. To be able to go forward held in His embrace…

But what if I stand there on judgment day to be told, “Fool, if not for grace…” 

I have made many, many mistakes in this life, I cannot deny it. I know in the end my salvation lies not with myself but with Him, yet to be told I had wasted the gifts I had been given following a Will-O-Wisp of deception and pride. To know I could have done better than I did… could have been more than I was… could have been a greater witness for Him… and squandered it all on a lie…

You see, I look at this flesh and it tells me one thing. I look to my heart and it tells me another. I have wondered, hoped, cried, prayed, and screamed for understanding. I have asked for wisdom, patience, and forgiveness. Yet at every turn, who I truly am, heart and soul, has reared it’s head telling me I have lived a lie my whole life. Instead of putting my faith in Him and following the Holy Spirit where He wanted me to be… I caved in to worldly pressures, struggling in vain to be what those around me insisted I had to be even though I knew… I knew, I knew, I knew, it was wrong. 
Now here I am today, unsure of where I stand. Not because of anything He has done, but because of what I did not do. He never failed me, I failed Him and because of it, I cannot say I would be in the least surprised to find myself on the “Down” elevator instead of the “UP.” 

Not every seed planted grows and thrives… some land on rocky, infertile soil and live only a short time before withering away…

So I wonder, which am I?

To know He was still with me. To know I hadn’t walked away from Him… To know the path I am on is the one He has chosen?  Could simple words ever express what such a thing would mean to me?”

15 thoughts on “Question and Answer

  1. A very gentle kind pastor once said to me that we (transgender brothers and sisters) were placed on this earth as a test. Not as a test of ourselves, though that certainly happens. But as a test of others, to see if they can love, accept, and cherish us. He expressed great pain to me that so many so-called “Christians” failed so miserably at this test that the suicide rate among transgender people was at epidemic levels.

  2. Oh Kira, I’m a cisgendered straight woman with the same fears. Deep in my soul, I believe we are exactly as we are meant to be and God/dess knows us. You are the woman S/He meant you to be. You are perfectly imperfect, as am I.

  3. Know this my friend, three little words
    “IT IS FINISHED”!
    Your god did not send his son to the cross because we are earth not perfect, your god sent his son down to the cross because of a love and the knowledge that no man/woman can make him/her self heaven perfect however, your son of god did just this for you my friend, just as you are?

    1. He also spoke of many other things in regard to salvation, including the understanding that not all who say unto Him, “Lord, Lord” shall enter the kingdom of heaven.
      It isn’t simply speaking the words, nor going to church on Sunday mornings, or eating a cracker. It’s a deep seated acceptance which transforms the heart and mind. Doing so is reflected in our daily lives. Our thoughts, actions, words, everything…
      No, we are not made Heaven ready. We make mistakes, some on accident, some on purpose, it is only through His mercy and grace we can hope to have eternal salvation.

      Ephesians 2:8
      “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and not of yourselves: it is a gift of God.”

      KJV

  4. Hi, Kira. My name is Mary. I’ve been perusing your blog and am enthralled at how much I can relate to. I have some body dysmorphic issues and while they aren’t the same as yours, it seems to me that they are similar.

    I’ve been a body modification artist for over 20 years. One of the reasons I was drawn to tattoos (no pun intended) was because of not feeling at home in my body. Once I discovered tattooing, piercing, scarification was as simple as not feeling at home in my body. Before I found tattooing, I had only been cutting in order to feel some kind of control over myself. Later in life and in therapy, one of my Doctors suggested the issues I had with myself could have something to do with all the struggles “owning” myself. Of course, I’m open to anything that might help me wrap my mind around something, but being raised catholic, then my mother converted to mormonism, and she’s now back to methodist.

    The older I’ve gotten and the better my relationship with my higher power has gotten, the more it’s made sense that we are all a work in progress. While I still get tattooed as much as possible, since the black spaces I have left drive me crazy, I remind myself constantly that this is MY relationship with MY deity; it’s no one’s business but yours.

    I’ve found that most people that really do believe in God and have a firm grip on their own relationship with God. They are humble and know that they aren’t even close to all knowing and capable of the compassion that God has. Most I’ve encountered with negativity have quickly changed their tune once they’ve offered me the kindness that I’ve offered them and will walk away having learned something.

    I feel that in my case, I have an obligation to my subculture. That obligation, and I take it extremely seriously, is that I give them the chance they aren’t giving me. I offer them respect, I listen, and most importantly, I educate. I take it on as something that the Lord has made me gifted at and if I were not taking it seriously and making a difference (even if it’s to just one person!) because that’s what I believe God is. I believe God is accepting, tolerant, and infallible. Most other Christians feel the same way. All it’s going to take on your part is to toss out a line and see if you’re not surprised at the amount of people that would love to learn about you, a leap pf faith, if you will.

    I have a LOT of great friends in the LGTB community…now. When I was younger, I was brought up with 4 older brothers and attended catholic school until 9th grade. I’m sure you can imagine how my profession and collection went over with my family…let’s just say that my father never forgave me for not joining the “nunnery” and running off the join the circus instead.

    Obviously, I’m not comparing what either of us are going through and have had to go through, but what I am trying to get across is that by taking on the type of attitude that makes it impossible to hate you, you’re still doing God’s work. Even if it only falls on deaf ears stuffed with hearing aids 🙂 Not just thinking about it, but taking it seriously, to be the one that keeps trying and finally gets through to someone! Now take it a step further and think about this: what if the person that you’ve been able to get through to has a son, grandson, daughter, etc. that’s going through the same thing you are, they feel so alienated by their family already. Then Grandma and Grandpa come home from church and mention to their grandson about how they met the most charming and polite “young man”, “young woman”…etc. You’ve paid it forward, my friend.

    I’m sorry this is so long winded, but I think its important that you never, ever, downplay the missions that God (or whomever you’ve chosen) sends you on. Through educating people you run into on anything you’re comfortable with is a step in the right direction, and it’s a progression that we all need to think about and contribute to more than we think is even possible. And do you know why, Kira? Because if people like us, who are already survivors, intelligent, and patient people aren’t doing it, then I shudder to think is out there representing us.

    I hope that helped some. I’m going to go back to reading more of what you’re written. I hope we can be friends and lean on one another, because when you feel as isolated as I do a lot, you’re always alone.

    XOXO
    St. Mary

    1. Mary,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, it really does prove to me we are not as alone as we think we are, and yes, it does help. 🙂

      I have wondered if much of struggle I have had in my relationship with God doesn’t stem from the incredible amounts of negativity I dealt with growing up. It’s bad enough to thin your a disappointment you your family, now add being one to God as well…

      Being the child of a pastor added to the pressure, especially when my parents looked at me with disappointment and regret in their eyes. I know now they were projecting their own feelings onto me, but as a child I didn’t understand and so I internalized everything and so, even knowing what I know and understanding what I understand after all of these years… there is still the child who tries to own everyone’s emotional reactions… to make things better, to be a better child, who thinks if she is just a good girl then everything will be alright…

      Impossible of course, yet it does not change how I often feel.
      I know whether or not I ride the up or down escalator has nothing to do with what I have or have not done but in the Grace I have built my faith upon…. Yet even here, there is a little voice telling me I need to be better, need to be good…

      Still, just like with anyone, I cannot make God do anything. Any more than I could make my parents love me no matter what I might have done….

      Now I just need to convince that little girl looking back at me…

      Sincerely,

      Kira

      1. Kira, I have that same problem convincing the little girl still trapped in me that it’s safe to come out, to trust, to cry…I can relate to you so much and yet, we’re so different and still so similar.

        I’ll tell you what, I’ll help you out and you can help me out 🙂

        I’m on my way to my therapy appointment, but when I get back we will have to talk more 🙂

  5. God’s love for us is unconditional and it is how we follow Christ’s example in loving our fellow man that determines our fate. We are all tested in one way or another at different times in our lives and have to make decisions that impact not only on ourselves but on others also, some that are close to and dear to us and others we possibly do not know at all. How we choose to deal with our dysphoria depends on our individual circumstances at different stages of our lives. Learning about dysphoria is a long term process – when we are young we know we are different but we cannot understand why or what it is that makes us different and our response to this will change over time. It is not so much how we deal with dysphoria for ourselves that is important but rather how we manage it with respect to others and their reaction to us. LizMarie’s pastor hits the nail on the head when he states that it is the others that are being tested as much as we are. The question you ask is one that troubles all of us but i cannot imagine that our God, who sent his Son into the world to save sinners, would abandon those of us with gender dysphoria, an affliction none of us asked for but all of us inherited from birth.

    1. Very well said. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I find a great comfort in hearing the thoughts and feelings of others who have asked this question and found their own answers, or at least a place of peace in questioning.

      Kira

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