Thoughts

I’m not sure where to begin…

So many thoughts, so many emotions…

 

Maybe I should be begin simply.

 

This past week has been difficult. I haven’t attempted even the slightest thing to present as female. In fact I have done just the opposite…

You see, I realize something; I cannot continue to live a double life. Trying to switch bcd and forth, even for the best of reasons is taking too much of a toll on me… trying to “pass” at work is draining emotionally and physically. Hearing my birth name is slap in the face, a gut wrenching reminder of what I am…

The thought of going back makes me almost physically ill and leaves me depressed and constantly questioning what I am doing. 

Being myself, being Kira, has become my new comfort zone… I know how I am and I am at peace in my heart… Trying to be seen as male is so stressful… I am so much more aware of everyone and everything around me and I feel as if I have a sign stuck to my back…

Every weekend I have gone out again, as myself, not him and I am at peace… then the work week begins and I am left to be someone I’m not… not in my thoughts, not in my heart, not in my soul…

The problem has been, and is, coming out at work… I simply cannot afford to lose this job, but I cannot keep living like this either. Someone at work told me to forget about everyone else and just do what makes me happy… Jodi has suggested no one is really going to notice a difference as I don’t often wear a wig…

Even my own thoughts have reached a point where I am constantly thinking about going in as myself and the world be damned…nothing about it… I have dreamed about it….

On top of everything else, I feel like a fake, a fraud, trying to keep up this charade.

Then there is the other side of all of this…

I am not a fake.

I am not a fraud.

I am not mentally ill.

I don’t do the things I do for a thrill or a charge…

Or some sexual gratification.

I am not a cross dresser.

I am not a part time girl, only taking on a costume when it is convenient.

I am not a weekend only woman…

I am

And shall always be

A full time transsexual woman, regardless of any other factors.

Trying to be anything else is destroying me from the inside out. I have been having trouble sleeping, eating, even finding the connections to my emotions.

I am often let feeling like a walking shell… the lights are on, but I’m not home…                                                                                

Even given all of this I let it best to do the unthinkable…

To return to full male mode.

For my marriage,

For my family.

or my job…

I was the simplest answer and the one which would cause the fewest problems for everyone around me… 

Ah, to be the martyr…

Better I sacrifice myself, don’t you think?

As the saying goes… “The best laid plans of mice…”

I don’t think it going to be quite so simple… 

Today A and I had to go shopping for a new washer and dryer. The first store we were greeted with neutral pronouns. The second, it was with female pronouns with the sales person apologizing profusely when he realized I was suppose to be a guy… The third the sales lady made a point of addressing me with a “Sir” and it felt like an accusation.

More often than not, regardless of what I am doing or how I look, sound, or act, I am more often than not addressed as female…. Even A said it must be a sign.

Maybe she’s right and trying to be seen as anything else is a waste of time and energy… Maybe I’m just too far gone to ever go back…. if I was ever “over there” to begin with…

Have I just been wishing I could fit the mold? That I could be this thing so many have insisted I be? 

Or am I just terrified of finally being real without a mask to hide behind?

As I said, I don’t know…

I really just do not know what to do… what to think… what to feel anymore.

I want to cry but the tears will not fall…

17 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. First, you have my sincere sympathy and empathy. This is a life-changing decision you are facing. If you decide to be yourself, what is the worst thing that can happen? Does your wife have any idea (and don’t sell her short here) about your true feelings and self? Of course, you want to live the way your inner self desires. You will always yearn for that. Another question: have you consulted a counselor or therapist? I think you have to set and follow some course of action to be your true self and function within those parameters. It’s easy for me to say. I’m not the one facing this decision, but I feel you need the advice and support of someone who knows and/ or has experienced the same situation. Sending prayers for strength.

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I do appreciate it.

      My wife has been at my side though the past two years as I have struggled to find my way through these issues. If not for her love and support I might be here today.

      Also, I have been seeing a therapist for more than a year and she too has been an immeasurable help in working through many issues including being Transgender.

      It is because of both of them I am at the point where I am now. It is a difficult and terrifying decision I have to make. To be myself honestly and without regret or to try and survive much I have for so many years… The real question is, I think, would doing so be the best for anyone?
      The person I had become was not very easy to live with. Finally being able to be open and honest with myself about who and what I am has made a world of difference both to myself and to those around me.

      It is also overcoming fear. Fear of the world without a mask.

  2. Only you can make that decision, Kira. But I think you already know the answer, and you will do whatever you need to do for you. I can’t imagine what it feels like. All I can do is read and support you as best I can long distance.

    1. Distance is only a physical limitation, I feel your support in every word.

      You are correct in I already know the answer… I have for some time, even if I haven’t been able to admit it to myself.

  3. I had similar issues where work was concerned, ultimately the decision was made for me when the place closed down and I became unemployed. Best thing that ever happened to me. I started a new job in a new place as a woman and have no regrets. I hope it all works out for you, going forward is hard but going backwards is worse. Hugs
    Steffi

  4. Dear Kira,

    Forgive me if I overstep but my heart is aching to respond. Other’s thoughts do not define you. The energy of their thoughts can certainly impact on your emotions, your job, your life, and that creates a ton of internal conflict and problems for you. Were we to live in a perfect, non-judgmental, world would any of what you wrote be a problem? And, thus it’s so with the human condition, not just for you but all of us hiding our authentic selves. Who do you know that puts themself out there 100%? Honestly, I don’t know anyone. If it isn’t gender identity, or sexual preference, or conflicted beliefs, or simply hiding a bad blow out mood, we all have stuff we hold back. Yours is a way bigger shade of this and I feel your pain, I emphasize with you. What I feel is the only way to settle things for you is to first and foremost make you your priority, the quality of your life and what makes you happy, what sits right with your heart and soul. If it impacts your marriage then hopefully that will work out in a harmonious way. Does that mean to come out at your job? Not necessarily because you don’t know the impact it will have on you and that can be a scary challenge since it’s your livelihood. Are you being pretentious? I don’t think so, I don’t see that is the case. To me it’s smart to chose where to show and tell, where it’s safe to be vulnerable, where it’s safe to open. Trust your heart. How you view what you’re doing can make a big difference. I see you’re in conflict with protecting yourself and wanting to reveal yourself, both are powerful motivating drives, neither wrong. Either choice looks good to me, depending on if you can handle the consequences. If you feel you can’t then nothing wrong with choosing safety. Don’t we all do that?

    You’ve recently come into your own comfort and have been doing so well. It’s been a joy to read those posts from you. Why compromise that? Why change that? Why not continue to move along on your path that embraces you feeling safe to shine in the light and love yourself? Tiny steps may be what’s right for you but certainly not negating all you’ve come through. You’re therapist should be able to help you with this one so you maintain your heart and your job in harmony. In the meantime, I’m going to continue to check in and hold you in my heart that yours remains protected and open. Don’t lose sight of how far you’ve come in dealing with a terribly difficult situation.

    With love,
    Paulette

    1. Thank you, Kira. I was worried about it after I posted it. I have nothing but an open and supportive heart for you and all you’re going through and it pains me I can’t just wave a magic wand and… For me personally, you’re a courageous inspiration. I have so much trouble letting my insides out and so much of what you write resonates with me. I mean that so sincerely. Sending you love, Paulette

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