Full Time (or Finally Being Myself)

How many times during this journey have I wanted to give up? To stop in one place and never move again?

How many doors have I passed through? Some with too much thought and some with not enough… Knowing each would close behind me, never allowing me to retreat, always pushing me forward?

Over the past several weeks I have found myself drawing closer to another of these doors. Again I am faced with a decision; this one more difficult then the last, or the one before. It is the culmination of every step which has brought me to this place. Steps I never could have imagined taking, never imagine not taking.

As with all the others, I stand on this side knowing where I am, what I face, the day to day battles large and small. It is the devil I know. On the other is the unknown, an entire life I could only live in day dreams and fantasy. One, not so long ago, which seemed forever beyond my grasp. It was more than my heart could stand, stronger than my courage. Of course I could say the same of so many things; walking out the door the first time on Halloween. The first time I went to therapy as my true self. So many firsts, indeed, which I never thought to experience in my life time. Yet I have. Walking in public. Feeling the sun on my face. The wind in my hair, the sidewalk under my feet.

To be seen.

Yet not… all of my fears melting away as I realized no one was going to stop me. There was no laughter, no pointing or staring. No name calling… no punches, or kicks, guns or knives… nothing. It was as anticlimactic as I had feared it would be climatic.

Another lesson in human nature.

I went from once a year to once a month. To once a week, then every weekend, my days at home spent building my confidence. I was growing… becoming… faster and faster with passing day.

Still, I fought to maintain a double life.

There were, and are, good reasons to try and live such a life. There are so many stories of ruined lives, unemployment, homelessness…

The truth is, my discomfort wasn’t stronger than my fear.

It’s difficult to live you life in fear. To let it define you. To build walls around you.

There comes a point where something has to give. The unstoppable force  or the immovable object.

The fear of taking a step or the pressure to move forward.

In my mind, I see it has standing on a ledge. A wall on one side, an unknown expanse of darkness at your feet. You can step out and hope something you cannot yet see will support you or you can wait until the wall slowly pushes you forward until there is no where left to go.

Either way I face an uncertain future. A great unknown as large as any I have moved through so far and I know once I take this next step, the door will slam shut behind me. No going back, no do overs.

Yet I cannot stand still, as much as I want to. I cannot hide anymore, safe in the known…

Safe? An interesting choice of word. Is where I have been truly safe? Or was safety as much of an illusion as who I tried to convince myself I was? Another lie along with so many?

Yes and no.

It was a toxic wasteland which was slowly destroying me from the inside out. Fear. Self loathing. Hate… Depression. Dysphoria. Suicide.

The poison ran through my veins with every beat of my heart.

Sometimes salvation is only found when you have no where left to run…

No. I could no more stay on this side of the door than I could any of the ones before. Oh, I tried. Yes I did, just as I have every time. Just like all those others, I have found myself pushed forward by my heart, my desire for life.

The unwavering quest to becoming myself.

So here I am, faced with a decision which really isn’t a decision at all… To remain behind the door, knowing the world which I face or I walk through to the other side and a world full of the unknown. Do I live with the devil I know or the one I don’t?

Either way I cannot continue as I have. I cannot live two lives. It is slowly tearing me apart. Every look in the mirror, every whisper of his name. Every male pronoun, every assumption or expectation about who I am or should be, is a death by a thousand cuts.

It is either step through the door and go full time living as myself or sinking back into his world, once again becoming an non entity. A ghost. A reflection.

A lie.

More than anything this is what I cannot stand to do any longer. To live a life of lies. To accept deceit. I am not who they think I am. I never have been. I never will be. To allow them to think otherwise is beyond my ability. It is beyond my ability to continue with the charade, to live, breath, eat, and drink a life which is not mine.

It is theirs.


No more.

I want to be me.

I want to be free.

Free of lies and deceit, expectations and reflections of a society which has never fully claimed me as its own, nor I, it.

21 thoughts on “Full Time (or Finally Being Myself)

  1. Every long journey begins with one step, as the adage says. It sounds as if your step will leave the black and white behind and move into a technicolor landscape, just as in “The Wizard of Oz.” The path has been traveled by others. You can ask them to help you along the way. I send you blessings.

  2. If you are wondering whether or how to go through the door, the important thing is to realise is….there is no door.
    (An idea from the film Matrix)
    Do not be surprised if some people become angry with you, not because of the real you but because of the you you have pretended to be – how could you think they would think so badly of you – which is, of course, no reason for you not to be you.

    1. I do worry about transphobia, which I witnessed before, however, I think much of my fear is more projection than anything, just as it has been so many other times. I could of course be wrong, but as you point out, it isn’t going to stop me from being myself… my need to be honest with myself outweighs my fear.

      BTW I loved the original Matrix, not so much the other two.

  3. I was finally outside over the weekend as “me”, and it felt so relaxing and wonderful. Being me full-time is really want I want now, and it’s driving me a little crazy to still have to be “not-me” at work, but me the rest of the time. I know how hard it is doing this, because I’ve experienced many of the same feelings as you. All it seems we can do it keep moving forward, because we are compelled to do so.

  4. Good Luck, Kira. The liberation of a true life should be very fulfilling. Don’t let fear control you but we all need to use our common sense in certain situations. Wishing you the best.

  5. Anticipation is often worse than realization. And yes, there is transphobia out there, just as there is racism, sexism, ageism, all sorts of prejudices, discrimination, and hate. But if we spend our lives in fear of those things, we have no life.

  6. I’ve been so honored to be traveling this road with you, and I’m eager to see where you go next. Know that your online family will be here every step of the way. ((Hugs))

      1. you’re welcome 🙂 I do know in a way of having to feel as if others are suppressing your true self…so I can empathise with you on that 🙂 I hope things get better for you 🙂

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