A Weight Off My Mind

 

Kira

(How I am going to work tonight)

 

Last night I spoke with a coworker about the things on my mind. The uncertainty, the fears. She had some very good advice and needed thoughts on the possible reactions of our coworkers. 

What came out of this was, unless I were to go overboard, odds are most people will not even notice a small chance such as wearing my enhancers at work. Most people just don’t pay that close attention, which is what I found to be true in most public places…

Part of what is on my side is working third shift. We rarely interact with very many of the professors or students and they have more important things on their minds than the custodial staff. More often than not there is just two of us in the building. My concern has been focused on when we clock in and out. It is when the entire shift is framed into a small pace, though I usually make a point of staying out of the way.

Still, I do remember the last time I thought to gauge the reactions of people regarding Trans people and I cannot say I am not nervous… However, I think back to all of the fears and concerns I have had with each step I have taken and how it has yet to be as bed as I have worried myself sick over… Besides, I know this is what I must do. Living in fear, never trusting yourself or others, is no way to live. It really isn’t and allowing internal forces to hold me back is what caused me so many problems over the years. I’m not entirely past it, but I know my need to live an authentic life now outweighs any fears I have. Trying to take the easy path, to go with the flow, to not make waves, to not stand out isn’t an answer. It isn’t living and it is being dishonest with yourself.

You can only hang on to a falsehood for so long before comes apart and you along with it…

Now, as I said, beginning tonight I am taking the first steps to being my true self, but as someone mentioned, I need to maintain my common sense.

I am going to take small steps just as I have been doing. A shift in my physical appearance. I have already allowed my hair and nails to grow so another small change isn’t going to stand out. There is no need to change the way I have always dressed, jeans, a t-shirt or sweatshirt depending on the weather. A coat or jacket when needed. What I wear away from work is a different matter, but I have been out most weekends and I know what works for me. For now, turtlenecks or sweaters, blue or black jeans. Tennis shoes or low heeled boots.

I haven’t worn a wig for awhile simply because pulling my hair back and wearing a hat works for me.

I’m not big on makeup either. For work it is more trouble than it’s worth and so far I am being seen as female regardless. If there is something special, then I’ll get fancied up, but otherwise why should I? 

On a side note, A rarely wears makeup and neither do most of the women at work, so it I fit right in.

On the matter of names…

This is a little more difficult because I would really prefer being called Kira, but I have been at this job since 1997 and all this time I have only been known by my birth name. I can’t and don’t, expect everyone to suddenly shift gears and call me something else. Same with pronouns. Yes, it’s annoying, but I can live with it for the moment. The future my hold something different.

I eventually plan on legally changing my name and hopefully my gender markers, but that is for the future and I’m not going to stress out about it now… I have enough on my plate already.

What will I do if there is an issue? I really don’t know. I could think up a thousand plans but none of them would matter in the moment. I just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

Really, what else can I do?

Hopefully things will go smoothly and over the coming months and years I will come to be seen as who I am and not who I was.

20 thoughts on “A Weight Off My Mind

  1. I just came out at work yesterday myself and received a positive reception from my boss. I expected this, given how progressive the company I work for has been but it’s nice to have it confirmed. I realize we’re all in different situations though.

    What I’ve been learning as time goes on with makeup is “less is more.” I’ve also found the absolute wonder of a well applied, pre-moistened (under the tap) makeup “wedge” or “sponge” for getting my favorite liquid foundation down so that it does a reasonable job of coverage but doesn’t look caked on. That and a very neutral lipstick and most people never know but it’s also enough that, at a glance, helps tip the scales in my favor.

    I will state that the changes I am experiencing in body shape are very helpful thus far and emphasize to me that I need to do more to bring my face into line with where the rest of my body is now going after 18 months of HRT.

    Good luck! You can do this!

    1. No HRT yet, maybe soon, we’ll see. I have a good concealer/foundation which evens out my complexion without looking like cake batter, but I use it for away from work for now, maybe by the end of Summer I’ll be a little bolder.

  2. Something that might be helpful to do is roleplaying some scenarios (with A or Jodi) about possible questions/remarks that you may face. You can brainstorm responses so that in the moment you aren’t caught completely offguard.

    You look so *happy* in that picture! I’m proud of you.

    1. Well, at this point no one has noticed a difference, which is fine. I’m not looking to stand out, just do my job and go home. We have colder weather moving in tonight, so back to the winter coats, which helps… we’ll see what warmer weather brings, but unless I decide to look like Dolly Parton, I doubt anyone will notice!

  3. Wow, your hair has gotten really long! I like that you’re taking these steps to feel more comfortable. Every step forward really is a step in the right direction. I think you look just fine for work.

  4. Isn’t ditching the wig great? I’ve never gone back once I had hair long enough to give that “female” vibe. Now just wait until the first time you get it cut/styled. I just did last week, and even though it’s shorter it’s actually more appropriate because of the way it’s cut. I’ve become so vain about it …

      1. If you’ve grown your hair like I did, it’s probably all about one length — which makes it look “shaggy”. You need a simple layer to get it all to hang at the same level around your head (and I’d say just on your shoulders, but that’s just IMO). Yes, it means sacrificing a lot of length from the back of the head, especially low down; but it will look great and it’s a simple thing to style or hide as needed.

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