More

I had therapy today, the first since I finally admitted I had to take yet another step forward. Passing through another door which has now closed behind me.

The first time I have done so and not felt grief for what was left behind.

The future, as always, is uncertain and I still have concerns and fears. Yet I have reached a point where my need to go forward became greater than my fear.

I am continuing to take very small steps, I have too much history behind me to suddenly do a one eighty and throw everyone for a loop. I have been at my current job for nearly twenty years. I cannot and do not expect everyone to suddenly switch their thinking and begin using the proper name or pronouns. I don’t expect to make many changes to the way I present at work and none overly noticeable or dramatic. For one thing I am not a teenager. I am an adult and I am expected to act as such. So, no garish makeup, no strange hairdos. No crazy clothing or accessories. I have long had a taste for the understated when it comes to such things. 

There is however, something which has changed and changed dramatically. I no long wish to hide. To feel as if I am being dishonest with others or myself. I want to live my life free of such things. This is part of the reason I have begun the slow transition to full time. Trying to maintain two identities is just too difficult and painful for me to continue.

This is also the reason I took our foreman aside last week and while not spelling out everything, informed him at some point in the near future I will need to speak to our supervisor as well as HR. I also let him know I am looking into the requirements for a legal name change and to have my gender markers changed as well. This is the one thing which locked the door behind me. I understood what I was doing and why. 

I’m glad I did so.

You see, to me having the option of stopping, going back, de-transitioning, (whatever you want to call it), is no longer acceptable. I’m just causing myself more pain by not removing it from my thoughts all together.

It’s the same, to my way of thinking, as suicide. Maybe not in the physical sense, but it would be killing myself just the same. For so long I kept the option of removing myself from this world as a very real possibility and all I did was torture myself with the knowledge. Once I was honest with myself and admitted it never really was an option, I was freed from the never-ending weight which threatened to pull me down into oblivion. 

Now I know I have to live and I have to do so as the person I am inside. No more running, no more hiding. No more masks or costumes. No more assumptions or expectations.

I did not ask him to keep this confidential. From his reaction, or lack there of, I suspect I have been discussed at some length by my coworkers, several of whom I have already come out to. I also expect I have been a topic of conversation in the main office as well, and if not… then I will be soon. 

So be it.

20 thoughts on “More

  1. I’m glad you spoke to your supervisor privately. I don’t know if there’s any protections for trans people in the workplace in your state, but I bet as long as you do your job well, no one will particularly care.

    1. There are non-discrimination laws, but as you know, if they want to get rid of you, they will find something. The thing is, being let go is always a fear in these economic times, it is just a possibility I have to accept.

  2. OK, so I know that I very rarely comment, but I do want you to know that after following you, how impressed I am by you – how proud (and jealous) I am of you for knowing you, and finding you, and becoming you.

    God bless You, Kira. Please, continue to live as the person you are, continue to be guide for the rest of us, and thank you.

  3. I am so, so proud of your courage. Girl you have made such huge steps to being your authentic self. This is all such good news, I remember when you said, you could never tell them at your work, yet you just have. You are going to have some challenges but I know that you may well just be happy. I am so happy for you.

      1. I think its good. Don’t hide. I send you loving thoughts and prayers. The angels are always there for you, just ask for their support, if you are so inclined. 😉

        My heart is happy for you.

        Namaste
        ❀✫ ღ✿ƸӜƷ ✿ღ ✫❀
        Sindy

  4. Congratulations. I hope you get the acceptance and support I did when I changed my name and transitioned at work 6 weeks ago. Wishing you much happiness. Love, Alex xx

  5. “You see, to me having the option of stopping, going back, de-transitioning, (whatever you want to call it), is no longer acceptable. I’m just causing myself more pain by not removing it from my thoughts all together.”

    I remember when I reached that point too. I found it both liberating and terrifying, but ultimately the decision to transition was one of the best things I’d ever done for myself.

    Congratulations Kira.

    1. It is as liberating as it is terrifying…
      In so many ways I wish I had understood this sooner, but then my life wouldn’t be what it is now.

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