Therapy and Thoughts

I have thought, more than once, to go back and read the early entires I posted here. Yet I have yet to do so. I think, now and then to look at how far I have come since then, then I realize I’m not ready. Not yet.

This was something which came up during therapy, part of a larger discussion at how far I have come since I started with Jodi. I mentioned I wasn’t ready yet to act on her suggestion I write an autobiography. It just isn’t time yet. As with so much of my writing, there has to be a need, a desire, a spark which drives me.

It’s one of the reasons I decided to unofficially join the “A Poem A Day” challenge for April. It is also why I tried my hand at the “50 Word Story” challenge. I want to be able to write more. I want to write better. 

Still, there are many things I have to work through before I will be ready to attempt to write so much about myself… Yes, I know, this whole blog has been an exercise about “Me”, yet it is somehow different… like a discussion during group therapy… More of speaking to interested people who have no other stake in knowing me than the time it takes to read a post, which is different than those who might have paid for a copy of a book which they expect to be worth their hard earned dollars.

There is also the “McFly Factor” in which I worry my stories will be no good, that people will say I am not good enough… Yet another layer of self confidence to be worked through…

We talked about this past week and how I am slowly coming to terms with the fact it really doesn’t seem to matter how I am presenting because I am regularly being correctly gendered, even when I’m sure there is no way I could be seen as female… like what happened at my work physical; something I am still amazed and amused by.

Yet there are times when I am nervous about being outed, especially when the kids are with me. It’s mostly in smaller store and fast food restaurants. Bigger stores or places with crowds don’t bother me nearly as much; I guess it’s a matter of being lost in a crowd… I mention this only because I found myself in both situations today and the smaller restaurant was definitely more stressful.

Every day it seems I am little more comfortable with myself and less fearful of being confronted, still, there are some situations I feel safer just avoiding, such a restrooms. I’ve been learning the stores which have gender neutral facilities. If I’m being honest with myself, the odds are it more of an issue to me than it ever would be to anyone else… after all, how many times have I spoken of this fear or that only to have them never materialize?

You know, there have been somethings I haven’t spoken about. They have been too personal and I haven’t felt comfortable discussing them, but I need to mention something here which some will understand…

To say the relationship between A an I is complicated is an understatement in the least and has been made more so by who and what I am… 

There is a level of mental and emotional intimacy I have found comforting which I fear might be lost as I transition further… that there is line out there beyond which our relationship will forever change, but I don’t know where it is and I won’t know I’ve crossed it until it’s too late to go back… If there was a chance to go back at all…

This is one of the big unknown which scares the daylights out of me, yet there is nothing I can really do to change the path I find myself on even knowing how much pain might be waiting in the future. Future pain… funny, as much as it hurts me now I should be terrified of what such a time would bring…

I know.. and Jodi agreed, I am gathering unneeded worries to myself, yet it is something which looms in the back of my mind… 

6 thoughts on “Therapy and Thoughts

  1. I can certainly understand that fear of the unknown and what the impact will be. That’s not an easy one to walk through. As far as how you are as a writer, doubtful you’ll have a load of readers scoffing at your writing. It’s just too good, too well written, resonating authentic… but then once again, that’s my humble opinion for what it’s worth. ❤

  2. You will probably want to argue with me but it does not matter. It’s already too late to ever go back so you can forget about that. The intimacy you claim to hold with A can only exist in the now and is gone in the blink of the eye. It’s time to put on your big girl panties and deal with what shows up today.

  3. I understand (as the spouse of a transitioning partner) the fear of losing an intimacy that we have shared for many, many years. Nobody else knew our secret before. It was ours, and it was special, but also painful at times. For me, it comes down to trust. Do I trust that my spouse can share these thoughts with other people without us losing our bond? I didn’t at first, because of my own insecurities about myself. Now, I realize that our bond wasn’t only about this “secret,” but is much deeper than that. I do trust our relationship. I do trust her. I do trust myself. Those are incredibly hard statements for me to make, but I am beginning to believe them now. I believe we choose people for a reason. The more spouses I talk to, the more I see our similarities. I might be generalizing, but bear with me…

    We spouses/partners might have self-esteem issues too. We might have abandonment issues too. We might have body image issues too. We might understand (at least little) a part of what you might be feeling. After all, we connected on some level that we both understood, consciously or not.

    What’s difficult is when one person begins to addresss or overcome those issues, it might start to make the other feel like they need to change too in order to “keep up.” I think we start to feel like we might get lost or not know what to do with ourselves if our spouses start becoming confident if we still aren’t. It forces us to look in the mirror, and that isn’t always easy.

    Patterns are hard to break but, with the proper communication, it can be done without hurt. For me, I am letting go of my personal jealousies and fears and starting to realize what a wonderful person I have chosen to marry is, as her true authentic self. I was always proud of “him”, but she isn’t as different as I thought she might be. I’m also seeing a part of myself I”m really proud of and I can see why we are meant for each other.

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights. No one can see into anothers heart and so we, or at least I, project our own hopes and fears onto another, even someone we love. By showing a different perspective you open my eyes to what I might not otherwise see.

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