4 AM (Poetry)

4 AM

By Kira A. Moore

 

Last,

Chances.

 

Broken,

Promises.

 

Last,

Call.

 

Advertisements

Bella 5 (Flash Fiction)

The air was brazenly cold, though neither of the two seemed to notice. Their eyes were locked upon the other, faces flush with the heat of emotion.

 

“She shouldn’t have to suffer for our mistakes.”  Belladonna struck an imposing figure; blonde – white hair swept back over her shoulders, held in place with a dozen gleaming pins; eyes of ice blue seemed to crackle with the force of her intelligence and willpower. Just watching her, she seemed larger than her claimed five foot two height. 

 

Jerrico once again found himself impressed by her strength and determination, though there were times like these when he desperately wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her.

“Sending her back is no suffrage compared to what she will face if she remains.” He was beginning to sound like an echo even to himself. Then again, he had been saying the same thing, in one form or another, for days now.

 

“This is the only home she has ever known,” Belladonna hissed. This wasn’t the first time for her either and she had to hold her hands together to keep from smacking one against the other to punctuate her words. “Now you want to send her someplace where she will be an outcast. She’ll be forced to hide who and what she is. How is that not suffering?”

 

He hated himself even as he spoke the words. 

 

“Would you rather she be claimed by the Queen?”

My Thoughts

It’s been a while since I wrote a personal post. Each time I have tried to write something, I find the words slipping away. Even now it is difficult to find the flow of my thoughts, yet I feel I need to speak…

I’m sorry if this turns into a long post, maybe too long for some…  I do have a habit of overthinking things.

 

The past several weeks have found me working on becoming comfortable with myself. Of working to understand what I am thinking and feeling. It is different from what I have known, without the background of constant noise. The waves of emotions churning just below the surface. It’s funny to realize just how unnerving silence can be.

Still, there has been a steady drumbeat of thoughts and emotions which have carried me through, always moving me forward. As Jodi said, I may move two steps forward and one back, but I have taken one step forward.

 I guess much of this is because I’m not sure what I should be feeling or thinking, after all, this is a place I have never been before… I will say there has been some small slips here and there, mostly in how I see myself… my reflection seems to mock me some days…

One thing I do know is watching videos of others transformations is having an ever more powerful affect on me. Seeing the changes brought on by HRT is awe inspiring and yet heartbreaking.

This hit home in the past week when A showed me one she had found. The differences took my breath away. I pointed out to her, this was someone who was taking hormones an she responded, “it’s just a matter of time.”

I know she’s right…

I may try to lie to myself and say I am fine as I am, but I’m not. I want what they have… I want those changes in myself. I want their smiles to become my smile…

I want it.

Yes, I know HRT alone cannot make “everything better.” They aren’t  a cure all. They are simply a means to an end. There are still many things which will be with me for the rest of my life regardless of anything I might or might not do; yet just thinking about taking that step is enough to reduce me to tears… It is something I have thought about… dreamed about… wished for… Even knowing this will be another turning point from which I cannot retreat… I want it.

As it stands at the moment, I am looking at about a year before I pursue treatment. I will need to save money for travel, doctors visits, and of course, medication as our insurance isn’t going to cover any of it. I also need the time to get into better shape, doing Yoga and T’ai chi ch’uan for weight loss and muscle toning.

Then there is continuing therapy. As I said, hormones can’t fix everything and there are still many issues I have to work through to reach the place I want to be.