I’ve been thinking about these past few weeks and where my mind has been… I have said before and I will say again, depression is a serious mental issue which cannot be taken lightly. For me this has been proven true more times than I care to think about, including right up to this moment.
I know people will tell you finding yourself in difficult times isn’t something which make you feel like a failure, but such words fall on deaf ears when you find yourself in the middle of the storm.
I felt as if I had failed myself, A, my family… I even said at one point I was proving to being a self fulfilling prophecy in being the failure my mother had predicted. What is more, I found myself completely spent; physiologically, emotionally, and physically. I simply didn’t have the strength to keep fighting and I was more than willing to give up. The only thing which was keeping me going was the medication I was on as it provided a buffer between myself and the ever deeming well of despair which was engulfing me.
I told A I missed the noise. The chaos. The emotional storms which had ripped through my mind for so long. The center of calm where I found myself felt artificial… alien. This wasn’t me. It never had been.
There was the knowledge deep inside those around me, indeed the entire world, would be better if I weren’t here… Selfish right? Egotistical, narcissistic… I’m sure there are more descriptive words for what I was feeling.
None the less, I wanted it to end. By ‘it’ I mean everything including my continued existence. Still I knew as long as the barrier was there, it would remain nothing more than thoughts. Flights of maybe, might be… So I decided to do something or more to the point to stop doing something and so I simply ‘forgot’ to take my “happy pills” each day and waited for the walls to come crashing down.
I will not kid you, I wanted to implode. I wanted to collapse mentally until there was nothing left but a shell. I didn’t want to think any more, to feel any more.
I wanted to break.
I have been to such a place before. It is familiar. Expected, even understood and I wanted it again.
I wanted to stand on the edge of the abyss and feel the wind in my hair. To hear the howls and screams. To feel the terror again.
More than anything I wanted to be consumed.
I still want it.
It’s a drug I cannot refuse, these thought and wishes of a never ending night.
To sleep and never wake.
It is as much a part of me as the blood in my veins.
Maybe everyone has a monster lurking deep inside.
This is mine.