How, Why, What and When

I happened across two interesting articles over the past several days; the first is “How Do I Know if I’m Transgender?” on the Trans*Jersey blog. The second is “What to expect when starting HRT – Lets talk about physical + emotional + sexual changes” on My Red Pill.

Either of these is well worth reading, yet, me being me, all they did was to start me to thinking…

So let’s start with HRT, since this was what caught my eye first. Alex, the author, makes it clear this accounting is of her personal experiences, your mileage may vary. She then goes on to recount the changes she has seen since beginning therapy 20 months ago.Less than two years but she has seen things add up to bring her closer to where she wants to be, from the physical to the emotional, to sex. What interested me most was the emotional aspects. From the very beginning I found myself nodding my head to more points than not and I have been asking myself just what this might indicate. (Yes, I know, over thinking!)


Mood swings, yep have those!

Irritability… Not me… no!

Tears, oh I have those in abundance!

Feeling hurt… Okay, I am going to paste what she printed and understand, this fits me to a T… (No pun intended).

“Getting hurt from an argument, actions from others, and even things people say might hurt your feelings. I found this so weird at the beginning, because the contrast is so clear. There is something about hormones that will make it easier for you to get hurt. It is a little weird and will take some time to be able to accept this and learn how to deal with it.”

This was important because I feel this way even without HRT… I wonder how much stronger it might get?

Letting go. Oh my…. this is a big issue for me, always has been… I’ve been known to hold a grudge for years…

“I have found that that lettings things go after an argument, or after you have been hurt becomes far more difficult. It is strange, but I can clearly remember preHRT when I would get in an argument I could immediately forget about it and let things go. Now that is not nearly as easy. I find myself thinking about a situation over and over. When I realize that I am doing this, I honestly try to let it go.”

Empathy. This is also something I have felt for a long, long time…

“So not only will you be hurt, but you will also feel others pains and sadness. I remember the day that I realized how strong my feeling of empathy was. Story time! When I wast still living in NYC, I remember coming backup the elevator  to go home after work. I saw this little pit bull who had recently had clipped their puppy’s ears. I was angry at the owners, I feel so much pain for the puppy. It took all my effort to not punch the dude in the face. A few days later I remember looking back at that situation and thinking, damn I really over reacted.”

I read all of this and thought, “I don’t need HRT to experience any of this, I already do!”

With this already in mind I happened across “Ask A Gender Therapist.”

Now while I am in therapy, it’s not with a Gender Therapist and I often wonder what, if anything, they might tell me differently from what I have learned so far. To be honest, the idea has scared me more than a little. There has always been this little nagging doubt about who I am and I worry a “real” professional would look at me and tell me I’m imagining things. Sorry, I’m not dissing Jodi, but she’s not a specialist in transgender issues.

Watching the video, everything I heard made sense. I could relate to so much of what was being said and it made me a little more comfortable in accepting who I am.

This naturally lead me back to the beginning when I was looking at all of the clues I had left in my wake. All of the questions, doubts, and fears. More than anything all the times I told myself, “Everyone does this, they just don’t talk about it.” or “I’m really not different.” Even though I knew deep inside both were lies. If this was all so normal, then how come I wasn’t seeing anything in the books and magazines I was perusing to learn why I felt and thought the way I did? 

Well, because I didn’t look into mental textbooks, that’s why… 

Much in the same way I tried to lie to myself about depression and suicide. Obviously that didn’t work either…

In the end, I feel more that I am correct about my self identity, that I’m not completely crazy, confused, or deluded… Well, no more than usual at any rate… 

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