It has been awhile since I spoke of the journey which has brought me to this place. Long, difficult, terrifying… these are just a few of the words with which I could describe it, yet so are liberating, amazing, breath taking.
I reached the point I could no long keep deceiving myself almost three years ago. I was speaking with A about this and I realized I could have jumped directly to where I am now, largely living out as female. (I say it this way because I have always been and continue to be myself even in those times when I refused to see or hear the truth in my heart). Yet doing so would have left me without the certainly I have now. I have struggled every step of the way, full of questions and doubts, dragging my feet for as long as possible, looking for another way to proceed. Yet even time I have returned to this path, sometimes relieved, others battered and bruised. Even for all of this, I am stronger today than I have ever been. More certain of myself, of the decisions I have made. Oh, there are still times when doubt creeps in, when I think I don’t have the strength to take one more step… then I do because it is either that or to give up and die.
I said I came out three years ago, more to the point I was honest with myself. I knew I had thoughts, feelings, hope, and dreams different from those around me as young as ten years old. I didn’t have words such as Transgender or Transsexual, I could only have told you how I felt, what I thought, all the things which scrapped against my conscience as being wrong.
Instead I told myself everyone had these thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams, they just didn’t talk about them.
Time and again, I wondered, could I walk into public and be seen as a woman? I made plans, I created lists of what I would need, even thought of the lies to tell the cashiers and salespeople. In the end I would always talk myself out of it, there was too much fear and uncertainty. Back then the dream wasn’t worth the risk.
Or so I told myself.
This cycle of thinking, of living a lie every moment, nearly killed me more than once… I have read so many stories and articles about the high rate of suicide among the trans population and I see myself in those numbers.
Somewhere along the way I lost track of the times when I thought I didn’t have the strength, when I thought it would be better if I weren’t here to be a burden on so many others. Being in such a place is something beyond simple explanation, terrifying, comforting, a path which blazes with the Will-O-the-Wisps of something, anything better than what is right in front of you in this moment.
Even now I can still hear the sirens call.
The difference now is I am living my truth and while the echoes of the past remain with me, they have less of a pull than ever before.
Never let anyone claim to have it easy, our society is too quick to pass judgment on what it doesn’t understand.
None the less, I cannot express the freedom which comes with being true to yourself, the quiet and calm of spirit which is enough to bring me to tears. It has and I imagine it will for a long time to come.