Month: November 2014

First of a kind trans suicide life line | Planet Transgender

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First of a kind trans suicide life line | Planet Transgender:

“Dealing with discrimination is a bitch. There’s bias in every facet of our lives. At home, school, at work, doctor’s offices and even in social scenes as we try to relax. Often these instances of hate accumulate inside until there seems no way to get away without just ending it all.”

(Via. Planet Transgender)

From There to Here

It has been awhile since I spoke of the journey which has brought me to this place. Long, difficult, terrifying… these are just a few of the words with which I could describe it, yet so are liberating, amazing, breath taking.

I reached the point I could no long keep deceiving myself almost three years ago. I was speaking with A about this and I realized I could have jumped directly to where I am now, largely living out as female. (I say it this way because I have always been and continue to be myself even in those times when I refused to see or hear the truth in my heart). Yet doing so would have left me without the certainly I have now. I have struggled every step of the way, full of questions and doubts, dragging my feet for as long as possible, looking for another way to proceed. Yet even time I have returned to this path, sometimes relieved, others battered and bruised. Even for all of this, I am stronger today than I have ever been. More certain of myself, of the decisions I have made. Oh, there are still times when doubt creeps in, when I think I don’t have the strength to take one more step… then I do because it is either that or to give up and die. 

I said I came out three years ago, more to the point I was honest with myself. I knew I had thoughts, feelings, hope, and dreams different from those around me as young as ten years old. I didn’t have words such as Transgender or Transsexual, I could only have told you how I felt, what I thought, all the things which scrapped against my conscience as being wrong. 

Instead I told myself everyone had these thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams, they just didn’t talk about them.

Time and again, I wondered, could I walk into public and be seen as a woman? I made plans, I created lists of what I would need, even thought of the lies to tell the cashiers and salespeople. In the end I would always talk myself out of it, there was too much fear and uncertainty. Back then the dream wasn’t worth the risk. 

Or so I told myself.

This cycle of thinking, of living a lie every moment, nearly killed me more than once… I have read so many stories and articles about the high rate of suicide among the trans population and I see myself in those numbers. 

Somewhere along the way I lost track of the times when I thought I didn’t have the strength, when I thought it would be better if I weren’t here to be a burden on so many others. Being in such a place is something beyond simple explanation, terrifying, comforting, a path which blazes with the Will-O-the-Wisps of something, anything better than what is right in front of you in this moment.

Even now I can still hear the sirens call.

The difference now is I am living my truth and while the echoes of the past remain with me, they have less of a pull than ever before.

Never let anyone claim to have it easy, our society is too quick to pass judgment on what it doesn’t understand.

None the less, I cannot express the freedom which comes with being true to yourself, the quiet and calm of spirit which is enough to bring me to tears. It has and I imagine it will for a long time to come.

*** News Release *** THE NATIONAL BAR ASSOCIATION RESPONDS TO THE GRAND JURY’S DECISION NOT TO INDICT IN THE SHOOTING DEATH OF MICHAEL BROWN

*** News Release *** THE NATIONAL BAR ASSOCIATION RESPONDS TO THE GRAND JURY’S DECISION NOT TO INDICT IN THE SHOOTING DEATH OF MICHAEL BROWN:

“WASHINGTON, DC – The National Bar Association is questioning how the Grand Jury, considering the evidence before them, could reach the conclusion that Darren Wilson should not be indicted and tried for the shooting death of Michael Brown. National Bar Association President Pamela J. Meanes expresses her sincere disappointment with the outcome of the Grand Jury’s decision but has made it abundantly clear that the National Bar Association stands firm and will be calling on the U.S. Department of Justice to pursue federal charges against officer Darren Wilson. ‘We will not rest until Michael Brown and his family has justice’ states Pamela Meanes, President of the National Bar Association. “

Point of No Return

The past few days have been rather hectic, so I didn’t get a chance to talk about my last therapy session. It was important in I talked about my future plans…

I am going to being looking for an ecologist after the first of the year. For now and through December, my main concern is making sure the kids have a good holiday and so funds will go to that. I doubt I’m going to die waiting a few more weeks.

As mentioned before, outside of work I have gone pretty much full time. There are some issues I need to work through, just as those around me need to come to terms with their issues. It isn’t easy, but I didn’t expect it would be.

As to work; this was a main topic of this session, so was coming out in general. We spoke of my need to have a plan in talking to my bosses and coming out in general. Speaking to HR, to my foreman, the supervisor, and the department head, then dealing with any issues which might come up with coworkers. I would love for everything to go smoothly, for no one to stir up anything, but I’m not holding my breath.

Then there is the preverbal elephant in the room… Too many times before I have tried to put the brakes on, to slow down or stop, and as any of my regular readers can attest, it doesn’t end well. Up till now, all of my falls have been small, despite how they seemed at the time, now though…

Now though I can’t afford to think of going back. The fall will be greater and the damage worse. It goes beyond simply not wearing this or that but attempting to once again deny my very nature. To refute who I am and to pretend to be someone and something I am not… I can’t say what would happen but I doubt it would end well.

Which bring me to today. We celebrated my Father-in-Law’s birthday. A’s parents have now seen me several times… not so, my Sister-in-law and her family. Well, they did today and it was stressful to say the least… I felt as though I was making people uncomfortable, (and downright scaring the kids), and her husband was very uncomfortable, no being able to look at me or speak to me. I know this is their issue, not mine, but it’s difficult to tell my heart this…

By the end of the night my Sister-in-law was speaking to me and while the children still stared, they weren’t as nervous around me, so there was a little hope to take with me. Still, I almost asked A to take me home, to withdraw into my shell and be the good little person everyone expected me to be. It wasn’t easy, but I forced myself to stay and I’m glad I did. Running away never solved anything, (and I know this from experience).

I’m hoping Christmas will be a little less stressful, we’ll have to wait and see. 

The one thing I realized was this, I now understand what Jodi meant when she said the fall would be bigger. I could feel the difference when I thought about giving up, even for a moment.

There really are points of no return in our lives and I have passed one.

30th Annual East Peoria Festival of Lights

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Marking 30 years of holiday cheer, the festival begins with the Parade of Lights and continues through the month of December with the Folepi’s Winter Wonderland drive-through display.

The Festival’s mascot is the wooden soldier Folepi, whose name serves as an acronym for “Festival of Lights, East Peoria, Illinois.” 

 

Took the family to see the Parade of Lights. This was the first time in several years when the weather has cooperated and it actually enjoyable to be out.

Here are a few pictures I took:

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