Common Sense Transgender Transition

I have to start planning from some point and I thought the best way to begin was through finding what advice is available online. I’m starting with Laura’s Playground which has proven to be of great help to me in the past.

 

Common Sense Transgender Transition:

“In the transgender world there are two types of transition for (MTF) Male to female. The first kind is a transsexual transition which culminates in GRS or gender reassignment surgery, health permitting under Wpath rules. It is done out of medical necessity. The second kind is a Transgenderist Transition Which may also include Facial feminization surgery and hormones but not GRS. Some in the transgenderist community self-identify with autogynaphillia while transsexuals do not. Some consider this fetishistic. The main problem is that sometimes name calling cruelty cause some to convince themselves they are transsexual obtaining GRS that they aren’t qualified for. From data here the suicide rate for transsexuals decrease dramatically after GRS while the rate for transgenderists getting the same surgery goes up. For many transgenderists who feel they have no choice just living the role can provide sufficient relief. Do realize that the effects of hormones such as breast growth and GRS cannot be completely reversed to their former levels of functionality. If you are unsure about GRS don’t consider it. There are no magic wands to change you back.”

(Via. lauras-playground)

Where Do I Go From Here?

I had therapy today, I’m only going every other week now and my therapist was on vacation so it seems forever since our last session. All things considered I think things were ok for me… Yes, I still have my issues to deal with but at least they didn’t drag me down into a deep dark hole. 

I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to say, I have so much which seems just out of reach for the moment…

Let’s begin with this…

I have set much of my own concerns to the side for the moment. There is simply too much happening with my Father-in-law and I feel there are more important considerations. I know this is causing me issues… I guess it is more important for me to be worrying about those around me than myself… Still, at some point I am going to have to focus on myself and where I am going with transitioning. This was the main topic for therapy and I’ll admit it has me at a loss…

I have already done so much, come so much further than I ever imagined… Going out is just another day, not some major production and at one point I stopped and realized I don’t feel anything exceptional, I’m simply me and wondering what anyone else sees or thinks never crosses my mind. 

All the same, I am at a point where I know there really isn’t turning around and even though I understand HRT is simply a step, and not even the most important, I cannot help but see that taking concrete steps forward is a milestone I cannot ignore forever. Toward this Jodi wants me to begin mapping out my plans from this point forward, in writing. Maybe to make it real to me? I’m not sure but just thinking about doing this small thing has me on the verge of tears and I can’t explain why.

There was a time when the thought of hormones scared me to death; not any more, not in the same way… I suppose it’s more about stepping into the unknown, even more so than I ever have.

Trying to wrap my head around this has my thoughts scattering in a million different directions and I don’t even know where to start anymore.

Rosi Golan – Been A Long Day (lyrics)

 

Lyrics: 

It’s been a long day
And all I’ve got to say is Make it strong
It’s been a long day
And all I’ve got to say is I’ve been wrong
So take a leave of absence
Tell me you’ll be gone
I don’t want to see your face
It’s been a long day
And I just want to hide away
It’s been a long week
And all the lines come down heavy on me
It’s been a long week
I’m finally feeling like it’s okay to break
into a thousand pieces
no one can replace
only I can find my way
It’s been long day
And I just want to hideaway
It’s been a long year
And Everyone around me’s disappeared
It’s been a long year
And all this mess around me’s finally cleared
So can I have a moment just to say hello
Can you let your anger go?
It’s been a long year
And I’m feeling ready to be here…

Threshold

Blogging is a wonderful way to communicate. It can convey so much through words, sound, and pictures and yet there are times such as now when I find it fails me. I have tried time and again to write what I am thinking and feeling but I cannot get them to come out the way I feel they need to be. There is an element missing, an almost nebulas feeling which hangs in the air. 

I know I am at another threshold.

From this point, the only way forward is through medical intervention, specifically if I can begin hormone therapy. Seems simple enough, do some research, make calls, set an appointment and go see a doctor for a pill or shot or whatever they think will work best and I’m off on the next part of my journey… 

The very thought of this is both exciting and terrifying as hell. I find all my defenses have come into play and I mean this is the worst possible way. Doubt, fear, uncertainty, self doubt… the list seems to stretch further than I can see… 

I have gone through every cycle in my thinking from the brightest to the darkest. I have drug my feet and employed every excuse to put off a decision one way or the other. I have even tried to hold position… You can guess how well those efforts worked… The problem is, now I am again at a point where I am experiencing dysphoria again. I’m having trouble seeing my reflection and at times it seems this body mocks me. 

Yes, I have even gone through the: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. I have thought what I see is my default mode and I should just accept it an quit trying to be something I can never truly be. I have called myself a fool, delusional, insane, and just plain stupid more than once. Then it seems as though a blanket is thrown over me, blocking my vision, stuffing my ears, overwhelming me with weight and heat. Suffocating me. In those dark moments I don’t care anymore, it just isn’t worth the effort to get back up, to take my next breath. 

One would think I would have learned not to fight against what seems inevitable, yet here I am again, going though the same things over and over again, pushing myself to the breaking point before doing what I have known I needed to do from the very beginning. 

Just Words (Poetry)

Just Words
By Kira A. Moore 

 

“I’m fine.”

“I’m good.”

“I’m ok.”

Automatic answers to automatic questions.

Spoken with the same concern as “hello” or “see you later.”

No one looks, no one sees.

No one speaks and no one listens.

We are wrapped in the folds of our own realities,

anything outside is to be ignored and forgotten.