02-08-15

Photo on 2 8 15 at 3 59 PM

 

Not my best picture, no makeup and I’ve been out all day shopping so I’m a tad wind burned as well. The main thing is I got up, got ready, and went out. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I can see too much of him behind my eyes… I know it going to take a lot of time and patience to see any changes when and if I can begin HRT, but anything at all, even if it is just in how I see life, is an improvement over where I have been lately.

I agree I am still looking outside for the validation and acceptance I really need to find on the inside. I could tell you it is because I see so little which is different, yet I know this isn’t the entire problem. I continue to make the same mistake I accuse others of; not looking beyond the surface. I can wear a wig, makeup, have my nails done, and put on nice clothes, yet nothing will change until I truly change from the inside out.

It isn’t easy and too often I forget myself, lost in words and my own expectations, no matter how ridiculous they may be…

In these times the weight of a lifetime settles upon my heart. It isn’t easy to begin trusting myself after so much time being told I can’t trust anything; my thoughts, emotions, hopes, dreams. I remember being told my heart can easily be deceived, just think of how I respond to an emotional movie… Those feelings aren’t real and yet they often feel all too real. So never trust your heart, the devil will use it to deceive you and lead you astray…

Yes, I was really told this and I have never forgotten it, even now the memory sends a shiver of fear down my spine. So when I sit here and look at this picture, it is with a mixture of happiness and sorrow, for I can see a glimmer of my heart and yet I wonder if I am just deceiving myself.

26 thoughts on “02-08-15

  1. I read this quote almost everyday, I don’t know who quoted this but it says….”No matter how you feel, get up, get dress, show up, never give up.” Sometimes goals take time no matter how long it takes as long as the goal is accomplished, as long as you are happy…keep striving and best wishes.

  2. Kira,

    I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt as though I was deceiving myself. Raised Christian as well, I self-examined myself to “kingdom come.” I kept looking in the mirror and seeing someone I shouldn’t see, didn’t want to see. It hurt and tore me up inside for so very long. You’ve been through so much more & seen so much more than I have, but I’m hoping that our differences don’t take away from the similarities that we and other trans people share. You’re a special person and I believe in who you are.

    That’s a cute photo by the way~ I wish I had your bravery to share pics without makeup, but I’m a big chicken. It’s true. : )

  3. Someone told me, ” If a friend spoke to you…the way you talk to yourself, how long would you stay in that relationship?” We are usually our own worst enemies,being self critical, telling ourselves we can’t, we shouldn’t, we blew it, we messed up…etc etc etc. Kira, you have an immense capacity to be wonderful. Remind yourself of that constantly and record over those negative tapes you are playing in your head.
    Stop yourself short when ever you start bad mouthing yourself!!!! Be your own best friend, everyone around you will notice (no matter what you are wearing!) “Wow Kira! You look great!” Change on the inside shows on the outside! You go girl!

  4. I know this is easy for me to say, but I don’t believe in the devil. That’s a myth people tell to rationalize all the evil we commit on each other. And evil was committed on you, Kira. You were told so many horrible things for so long, that you began to believe them. To me, that’s one of the worst crimes there is. And karma will catch up with the people that did that to you. It probably won’t be the justice you deserve, and chances are, you’ll never even know when it happens.

    And I happen to like the no-makeup look; I’m a proponent of it myself (as in, I don’t wear makeup). You look a little tired, but I can see real happiness in your eyes. You’re becoming more yourself every single day, even when you don’t realize it.

  5. Its us everyday gals Kira, we don’t always feel up to the makeup. You have such nice lips. Have you gone blonder? I think it looks good with you blue eyes. I think that you aught to be very proud of yourself for being brave enough to become your authentic self. You could have just stayed miserable and killed yourself but you didn’t, you took a new step as often as you could forward. I am so proud of you and always in your corner sister!

  6. “[…] I am still looking outside for the validation and acceptance I really need to find on the inside. I could tell you it is because I see so little which is different, yet I know this isn’t the entire problem. I continue to make the same mistake I accuse others of; not looking beyond the surface. I can wear a wig, makeup, have my nails done, and put on nice clothes, yet nothing will change until I truly change from the inside out.”

    It is a daily struggle. I try not to dwell on the surface, but the limitations I face in trying to make myself look beautiful or even passably feminine are deeply frustrating. I am often briefly tempted to give up, but then again I spent years trying to develop a positive male body image and failed dismally…

    Finding and sticking to the people who will accept and validate us is definitely an essential step. Some people never will. Sod them. They do not have to live in our heads and bodies.

  7. When we look into a mirror or at a photograph of ourselves, we see not what is, but what our mental image of ourselves tells us is. At one point it took me six months to accept that a photograph of me was the way I really looked because it didn’t match my mental picture of me.

    You may see “him” in your eyes, but I don’t and I strongly doubt anyone else does either.

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