Where to from here?

Mountain anime copy

 

Start.

Stop.

Delete.

 

This has been my mantra for the past several weeks. I cannot even remember how many times I began writing this post just to end it without saving or publishing it. Somehow the words have never felt right.

Tonight I feel compelled to finish this, maybe then I can find my way forward.

I have been reading about self acceptance and I realize this is something I have yet to do. Truly, honestly, and completely. I also have come to understand that until I do so I can never move forward. 

In many ways it is the same as my relationship with death. Once I loved it, embraced it, took it into my heart and refused to let it go. It was my trump card, my ‘get out of jail free’ card. As long as I held it, there was always a way out. An easier path to take. For so much of my life I kept it in play, an option as valid as any other. It wasn’t until one day I realized it was no longer an option that I have been able to move forward, even this small amount. I can’t tell you what changed or when, I just know one day it dawned on me I no longer felt the way I had. 

The thing is, I have come to understand and accept death is no longer a viable option and this has forced me to face things I had fought so hard to avoid. Now I face another hurdle, another point of letting go. Of understanding there is no going back, no other option but forward. 

As strange as it may sound, in this case it is accepting there is no going back to life as him. I know one would think this was a battle long over, but it isn’t. I have done nothing but avoid it, to dance around it, to put it off…

I can’t do it any more.

For the past three years I have been dancing on a wire, trying to maintain two lives. I told myself it was because it was easier for a number of reasons, work, my identification, insurance, and especially the family.

The truth is a little more selfish.

Deep inside I wanted to hang on the that persona. It was a safety rope, a security blanket. I could always step back into that old, familiar role if things became too hard… Or so I told myself. 

The truth is, as long as I think going back is an option, I’m not going to be able to move forward. I know, have known, for a long time going that route is a death sentence and I don’t mean figuratively. The stress pushed me to the edge of having a stroke once and increased my chances of having a heart attack. As I have slowly worked my way toward acceptance, I have seen and felt my health improve. Unfortunately this hasn’t been enough to tip me over that final line.

I don’t know what I need to do or how to do it. I am trying to release the past and embrace the here and now. It is much more difficult than I ever thought. 

7 thoughts on “Where to from here?

  1. It is uncanny how closely some of your mental gymnastics mirrored mine. I have committed to a new path. Being nonbinary is a little odd for me in one respect. The vast majority of my fellow Agenders are young enough to be my children or in a few cases perhaps even grandchildren. It brings a whole new meaning to being young at heart!

  2. Did you know that not knowing what you need to do or how to do it is a high state of consciousness? Instead of limiting your options, this state of consciousness allows for any and all possibilities to manifest. It takes away the box you have put yourself into by limiting your beliefs as to what is possible. It is the essence of what we call “genius” or “innate intelligence.” It allows one to relax and let the possibilities present themselves in their own time and way without any effort or worrying on your part. I call it “following my nose.” or “putting one foot in front of the other.”

  3. I hear fear in your words, Kira, and fear dominated my own thoughts for a long time before I realized that I had to do something or end it all. And many of my fears have been realized too. I’ve lost my spouse. Some of my adult children are severely judgmental. They’ve cut me off from certain grandchildren.

    And yet, having begun down this new road, I realize that even with the losses, I am happier than I was before. With the help of my therapist, I’ve learned to accept that their rejection of me is their choice, their action, their responsibility. They didn’t have to reject me yet they did and that is not my fault. Yes, it hurts, but I no longer feel guilt over it, which is helping me let go of everything.

    You can do this. And it sounds like you are where many of us were at one point. Move forward, Kira. Choose life.

  4. Kierkegaard believed that … to truly become human one must reach the point of self-annihilation and choose to live.

    For me, choosing to discard the male construct that had shielded me from the world was a kind of self-annihilation. It has been painful – but ultimately worth it. All the really good things in life are difficult.

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