Trigger Warning: self harm

I have a habit of thinking things to death. It seems I want to devour each experience whole, to savor every drop of possibility. More, I seem to believe it is some sort of inadequacy on my part if I cannot share every level of thought and emotion. A wannabe film director projecting snippets on the wall, who become distraught when others can piece the entire story line together.

It isn’t fair to you nor myself.

I open with this because it is the reason I have waited nearly a week to write this post, and honestly, I might not have started it now if I didn’t plan on having a long discussion with my therapist about it.

So, what happened?

Last Saturday I had a major crisis. A monster came out from under the bed and devoured me before I could even scream.

A little mellow dramatic? Maybe.

From the beginning I knew it was going to be a bad day, it’s just one of those feelings you get without being able to say why. It started out as mild depression, maybe a bit of a pity party, then it took a very nasty turn.

Before I knew it I was considering self harm, cutting my arms so the blood could flow down my hands. Then writing my birth name on the wall over and over again. I can still see the trails of red staining the dinning room walls… then it escalated. I wanted to strip the flesh from my hands and use the ruins to cover the house with that name, to force it into my head that name was me… the real me.

I thought my head was going to explode.

There was so much rage… that’s the only word for it, rage.

I wanted to hurt.

I wanted to only see red.

I wanted to bleed out. 

My whole body was shaking. It was everything I could do not to tear at my flesh, to rip it off with my nails.

I want to punch something, anything, hard enough to break bones, to cause pain which I knew was real and not just in my head. I almost slammed my head into the wall just to stop all the thoughts crashing through my brain.

I don’t know how long this went on, I lost track of everything; the hour, the day.

Suddenly I was exhausted. I could barely stand.

I don’t remember going to bed.

This is just skimming the surface of what I experienced… I could write for days, word after word and still I could not convey the totality.


13 thoughts on “Aftermath

  1. I’m sorry you have been feeling that way. I have struggled with self harm in the past and understand what that’s like. I’m glad that you have a therapist you feel comfortable discussing this with. Take care.

  2. Very powerful feelings of rage, and understandable given the situation you are in. The anger has to go somewhere. It is good that you are going to talk to your therapist about it, hopefully she can help you handle it aftermath.

  3. I hope you’re working out of this dark place, Kira. It’s amazing how feelings and moods like that just come out of nowhere and hit you like a freight train. I’m glad you’ve got Jodi to talk to about these things.

  4. Please take care , Kira!
    I know I am only a blog follower, but I think of you as a beautiful person, & I want you to be happy.
    You are one of the first people I ever followed, and I adore you.
    I offer support & affection. {{{HUGS}}}

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