Survival

Listen; there is music playing nearby, can you hear it? Is it upbeat, calling you to dance? Or is it low and slow, a haunting reminder of darker times?

I have often wished life came with a soundtrack, like a movie or television show, each song matched to the moment, reflecting emotional energy like a mirror. Of course, such a thing isn’t possible, is it? Unless like me you are sitting in front of your computer and you have a lifetime worth of music at your finger tips…

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to find such power is a two edged sword. The music can reflect your emotions or it can drive them… Seek the positive, receive the positive. Seek the negative… You understand, right?

On the other hand, a song can be as out of place as a penguin on the beach in Florida. 

Much of my music collection tends toward the darker side, in key and lyric. At least it does to me. I favor melancholy.

(At the moment ‘Metal Heart‘ by Cat Power is playing if your interested.)

Sorry, I’m stalling. There is so much I would love to sit down and talk about over a cup of coffee or tea… Yet there are times like these when I fear to share what I keep hidden inside.

So, if you are inclined to pass on lengthy posts, then feel free to move on to something else, I’ll understand, I promise.


Okay…

Shall we go together to confession?


Well, I’m not Catholic, but I get the general idea.

Something I like about being online is how easy it is to hide. Having a bad day? Just share a random song from YouTube, having trouble writing? Find something to reblog or hunt down a story and share the link. No one can see you on the other side of the screen. No tears.

I’ve been doing this for months now.

Hiding.

From you, me…

My muse has returned. She never comes back without a reason or a price.

I don’t know when I began on this downward spiral; I suppose it doesn’t really matter. It’s like asking when the pilot gave up trying to keep the plane from crashing. 

(Never Really Had You by Karman Line)

Several weeks ago I had a therapy session by which time I was already on the way down… I told Jodi worrying about where I was going from here on this crazy journey didn’t matter any more. I was emotionally exhausted and physically spent. I still am, just more so. Of course she reminded me each time I have reached point like this things haven’t gone well and yes, I am more than aware of this fact. Things have taken a darker turn in the last week or so and as I mentioned in the beginning, my muse has taken notice. She is an evil mistress, feeding on my darkest thoughts and fears. The deeper I sink into depression the stronger her voice becomes. Along with that, there are physical symptoms as well and they began this week. 

How many times have I reached this point? Once, twice, three times and more…

Each of them I survived and so I downplayed just how serious they were. Total breakdowns which should have seen me hospitalized… I know I’m on borrowed  time, have been for so long… Managing to stay one step ahead of the Reaper, but he is going to catch me one day…

I’m not there. Yet. I do know this is where I am heading.

You see, I know who I am in my heart, but that person doesn’t match with my physical presence and never will. To hope for anything else is foolishness. I don’t live in a make believe world. There aren’t any secret experiments, magic potions, or pills which will bring body and spirit into alignment. 

(Girl In A Room by Antiqcool)

I don’t know what I am going to do or how I’m going to do it. I just survive one more day… I can’t ask for anything more.

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