Groundhog Day

Yesterday I shopped for a new wig (though I didn’t buy one.)

It made me realize something I said jokingly to A was truer than I’m comfortable with… “I feel like I’m in “Groundhog Day” The movie starring Bill Murray. The summery says simply, “Weatherman find himself living the same day over and over again.” Yeah, I can relate.

… I don’t remember when I last made the decision to present as female. I know it has been over a month at the least. On one hand I just  don’t have the energy any more to try and present as something, someone I’m not sure I am, on the other being seen or referred to as male feels like a knife being twisted in my chest. I don’t know if it makes any sense or not… I do know what I see in my mind but it doesn’t match my physical reality and I feel as if I’m deluding myself… how can I ignore biology? 

More than once I have wondered if I’m not actually insane… after all, they say a crazy person doesn’t see themselves as crazy, it’s the rest of the world which is nuts…

What is funny about this, and mean funny is a sad way, not ha-ha funny, is how often I am still gendered as female. This without an ounce of effort on my part. No clothing, makeup, or hair… Just plain, little ‘ol me. I guess it says something this doesn’t bother me in the least while male pronouns make me almost physically ill and threatens to push me into a panic attack or sever depression.

Seriously, I’m at a loss.

I don’t know where to go from here, what to do or even what to think. 

6 thoughts on “Groundhog Day

  1. biology, in the strictest sense, may indeed have its way with the structures of genitalia. but transgender people are biologically tuned to have a gender which runs counter to the arrangement of the usual chromosomes. more and more studies seem to indicate biology is in fact in play when the perceived gender runs counter to the physical apparatus.

    you know who you are. you’re not lying to your body…your body is lying! 😉

    there was no doubt in my daughter’s mind that her body was lying. it caused her to feel betrayed by her physical apparatus. but the moment she began to live her gender, she began to feel a lot better.

    guessing you felt better, too! don’t lose faith in your true self. it is a hard row to hoe, but worthwhile…especially if male pronouns cut like a knife.

      1. i am learning, because of my lovely transgender daughter…i am delving into research. but one thing i know for certain; despite the xy chromosomal arrangement and the physical apparatus she has (and can’t wait to be rid of) she is now and has alway been…female

  2. I’ve been where you are. Still am sometimes.

    I’m learning not to use words like “crazy” to describe myself. I’m not sure that word has any meaning, anyway. It’s just another bludgeon handed to us by the patriarchy with the expectation that we will use it to cripple ourselves.

    You are not crazy.

    Society is.

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