Yesterday I shopped for a new wig (though I didn’t buy one.)
It made me realize something I said jokingly to A was truer than I’m comfortable with… “I feel like I’m in “Groundhog Day” The movie starring Bill Murray. The summery says simply, “Weatherman find himself living the same day over and over again.” Yeah, I can relate.
… I don’t remember when I last made the decision to present as female. I know it has been over a month at the least. On one hand I just don’t have the energy any more to try and present as something, someone I’m not sure I am, on the other being seen or referred to as male feels like a knife being twisted in my chest. I don’t know if it makes any sense or not… I do know what I see in my mind but it doesn’t match my physical reality and I feel as if I’m deluding myself… how can I ignore biology?
More than once I have wondered if I’m not actually insane… after all, they say a crazy person doesn’t see themselves as crazy, it’s the rest of the world which is nuts…
What is funny about this, and mean funny is a sad way, not ha-ha funny, is how often I am still gendered as female. This without an ounce of effort on my part. No clothing, makeup, or hair… Just plain, little ‘ol me. I guess it says something this doesn’t bother me in the least while male pronouns make me almost physically ill and threatens to push me into a panic attack or sever depression.
Seriously, I’m at a loss.
I don’t know where to go from here, what to do or even what to think.