I have a confession to make; I have not watched one episode of “I Am Cait”. The main reason being I’m not into reality Tv, add in her world being so removed from my own I can’t find much to relate to. Having said that, I do keep an eye on reviews and opinion pieces about the show because I am hoping to hear some real life information being passed along, both to other trans people and the general public.
As it turns out I happened across this: ‘She Said, They Said: Caitlyn Jenner Waffles on Her Name and Wows ‘Em at the ESPYS’ on the Advocate.com where this little blurb caught my attention;
“I think most viewers were likely shocked to learn Caitlyn Jenner was still willing to use her old name — what trans folks often refer to as her “deadname” — on an application for membership at a country club where she plays golf, and has maintained a locker as “Bruce Jenner” for years.
Not only was her assistant Ronda left speechless, but her close friend Candis left her no wiggle room, each reminding her there was no going back. Cayne went so far as to tell her she can’t be both Bruce and Caitlyn, accusing Jenner of fence-squatting.”
This struck a tad closer to home than I am comfortable admitting.
As far as I have come in the past three years, I still find myself, at times, to be dragging my feet. To almost, not quite, be holding onto the the door frame by my fingernails, afraid to take the next step knowing the door will close behind me.
Not surprising, this isn’t working out so well…
I know I can’t go back, to a dead name, a dead identity, a dead life. Yet there are times when it seems easier to continue to wrap those tattered shreds around my shoulders, than to do what I need to do.
I suppose it’s the comfort of the devil I know.
No matter the excuse, I too know I cannot go back. I cannot be both (him) and Kira;
and I can’t continue to set on the fence any more than she can.