WARNING! This post is one of my therapy homework assignments… 😛
At the end of therapy today Jodi said she wanted me to start writing more personal posts. Ones in which I speak to the doubts, fears, and uncertainties I have kept locked away these past weeks and months. As she said, I am many things including a writer and one of the ways I deal with things is through writing about them. Of course this was the reason I began blogging in the first place, why this was where I emptied my heart and mind, never thinking about who might read my words… after all, this was for me, if it helped someone else then I consider it a bonus.
I’ve mentioned before about worrying I would seem to be running in circles or possibly simply whining. More to the point, this was how I was feeling about myself. I have gone over so much so many times you would think I had already answered these questions to my satisfaction, but they seem to come up at the least expected of times and I find myself questioning all over again. It doesn’t help knowing much of my foot dragging is due to fear… of the unknown, of the known… of myself.
I am living more as myself with each passing day. I am more open to letting people know who and what I am. There is fear in this, but when it happens it seems to fade into the background and telling the truth becomes the most important thing. I’m sick of feeling as if I should be ashamed or hide who I am. Of course this is in opposition to my natural tendency to project my fears and expectations onto those around me, at least in more personal encounters… What’s funny is just being in public doesn’t affect me in this way, on some levels I don’t even think about the people around me. I’m not looking for reactions, listening for remarks… things I have always done in “guy mode.” I am comfortable in myself, confident in who I am. That isn’t something I had before and I find it freeing.
Then I find myself alone, with too much time to think. Time to question and doubt… you see, not matter how many times I am correctly gendered, how many compliments I receive, My heart and mind latch onto the one negative I heard in an entire day and then it becomes a weapon my mind uses to harm myself… a death of a thousand invisible cuts.
This translates into indecision every time I get ready for the day. excuses on why I shouldn’t bother with this, that, or anything at all. Is it too hot. too cold? Am I going outside? Doing housework? Why get all done up if I’m just going to get sweaty? Just for myself? Then there is going out shopping. If I go to Costco, then being seen as male is easier as that is what is shown on my membership card. Sound familiar?
Now on top of all of this, toss in a large helping of depression.
Yes, I am taking medication to help, but it isn’t intended to completely shut down my thoughts or emotions and sometimes whatever is in this brain of mine can overpower the meds. I know my bad times aren’t as bad as they could be, the darkness isn’t complete, but there are times when everything comes together in a perfect storm and all I want to do is shut down, to go to sleep and never wake up. Time when the voice inside reminds me of how worthless I am, how the people around me would be better off without me in their lives.
Yes, these are the times when it is difficult, if not impossible, to argue against them.
These are the times I really need to write, to get the things out of my head an into a form I can step back and look at objectively. This is what I started blogging for. This is why I thought to make this space open to the public.
I want to say “Thank You” to everyone who has decided to come along on this crazy journey with me, your thoughts and comments have touched me deeply. I am going to return to my roots and make an effort to share more of my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know about my poetry or fiction at this point, I do want to write such things and share them with you, but until I can find a calm place inside, such things will be sporadic at best.