So I ask, what’s the point?

I am wondering something…

Last night no one noticed any difference in my appearance. I had to point out to the coworker who took the pictures I was wearing padding because she couldn’t understand why it was so important to take a pic at work… 

This is something I have noticed and I believe I posted about it before… How my appearance has little effect on how people interact with me unless of course I go all out, makeup, outfit, hair… When it just me being me, how people react has little to do with me personally and everything to do with their expectations. This is something I have known on an intellectual level for a long time; it just seems to have hit a little closer to my heart this time and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I mean what point is there in trying to get people to see me differently when they simply don’t pay attention and even if they do, they cannot understand why names and pronouns are such a big deal. I mean you can see the confusion in their eyes, their brows furrowed from trying to follow the logic of something that cannot grasp.

I find myself sitting here wondering what’s the point? Why spend all of this energy trying to be authentic within myself when the world doesn’t give a damn one way or the other?

I could walk in to work tonight in full male mode and no one would think twice. I could let it slide when people use my dead name and the wrong pronouns and they never see the pain in my eyes.

So I ask, what’s the point?

You’ve seen the pictures, is there something I’m doing wrong?

12 thoughts on “So I ask, what’s the point?

  1. You’re doing nothing wrong. Those who have known us before often have the hardest times adapting to the new us. Some are emotionally invested and resist for that reason but many simply are creatures of habit. They don’t see “you” regardless of presentation. They see something their minds have edited into a convenient shorthand representation of you that represents the sum of all they think they know about you.

    When you break that presentation mold, it often requires extremes for them to even “see” it. And we instead find people who are strangers reacting positively to us as we want to be seen.

    So you’re not doing anything wrong. They just fall back into habits and forget about all else.

  2. In a metta sense, living authentically for ourselves is always about being true to our core self. I don’t think it matters whether the world or our kids or whomever notices. We are all valid for who we are: trans or cis, gay or straight or bi or…

    It matters to you to be your authentic self, therefore it matters.

  3. I completely agree with Cara Elizabeth, you are doing nothing wrong and all she said in her comment is valid. In terms of presentation it shouldn’t have any relation to your gender identity but unfortunately, among those uninformed/unfamiliar about transgender people it might take really going femme to jumpstart the awareness, (you shouldn’t have to do that but it’s an option). Two other options are to engage people in discussions about your gender and/or see if you and/or a local/statewide transgender organization could do a transgender 101 at your place of employment.

  4. As you noted, those who have known us the longest have the most difficulty. I had that problem with my doctor. No matter what the physical or documentation changes, he still saw me as “him”. I finally changed doctors.

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