I am wondering something…
Last night no one noticed any difference in my appearance. I had to point out to the coworker who took the pictures I was wearing padding because she couldn’t understand why it was so important to take a pic at work…
This is something I have noticed and I believe I posted about it before… How my appearance has little effect on how people interact with me unless of course I go all out, makeup, outfit, hair… When it just me being me, how people react has little to do with me personally and everything to do with their expectations. This is something I have known on an intellectual level for a long time; it just seems to have hit a little closer to my heart this time and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I mean what point is there in trying to get people to see me differently when they simply don’t pay attention and even if they do, they cannot understand why names and pronouns are such a big deal. I mean you can see the confusion in their eyes, their brows furrowed from trying to follow the logic of something that cannot grasp.
I find myself sitting here wondering what’s the point? Why spend all of this energy trying to be authentic within myself when the world doesn’t give a damn one way or the other?
I could walk in to work tonight in full male mode and no one would think twice. I could let it slide when people use my dead name and the wrong pronouns and they never see the pain in my eyes.
So I ask, what’s the point?
You’ve seen the pictures, is there something I’m doing wrong?