Deep breath time.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to post about today. Each time I sat down it seemed my mind went blank. Well, as I am finding out, blank spaces are what I need to think about, to write about, to forgive myself for.

Several times I have written about different things which I have used as time markers in my life. Some of them were personal, some trans related, but all of them seemed to define periods in my life. What concerns me now is not these moments which remain so clear in my memory, it is the spaces in between.

I use to joke I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached. Such things aren’t quiet as funny when you cast your mind back over the days, weeks and years only to find nearly everything is hazy at best. There are months, even years, for which I cannot account.

Don’t misunderstand, I am not longing for the time. It is dead and I cannot get it back. I am saddened at how much of my life has been lost. 

7 thoughts on “Deep breath time.

  1. The problem with the past is that we weren’t really living. We were just existing and there’s not an awful lot that’s memorable about just existing. Despite the pains and losses, my memories of the richness of the last three years since I came out and began my transition are deeper than any three year period I can remember since being a teenager.

  2. And with the conscious breath and the blank spaces we allow ourself to be present in the now moment and observe, be glad of our past experience that has brought us to this moment and now we can allow ourself to live… Love to you, barbara x

  3. Don’t be sad about lots moments. They happened to teach you and you won’t be getting any of them back.
    None of us will. Maybe look at them lovingly because they’ve brought you to where you are now. There’s always a lesson to be learned … They are part of you & will always be. Hugs!

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