Sorrow, feeling blue… there are a hundred different ways to describe feeling down. Yet these only represent the tip of the iceberg which is depression…
I could save myself time and tears by giving you link after link to resources, reports, studies… Such things are useful, dry, clinical, one sided, but useful… still they cannot begin to express the the emotions and thoughts one can only fully understand through experience. Let me say, from one human to another, I could never wish such experience on anyone. Better for it to remain a concept, a possibility so far removed from reality as to be unimaginable.
I’m not sure how many times I have spoken of these things. If you go back through the archives for this blog, I’m sure you will find more than one… I remember reading a blog at one point where the author was expressing disgust with another blog where all he saw was someone complaining about depression and suicidal thoughts and wondered if the person just wanted people to share in their pity party… I think I can speak to this… No, they weren’t complaining, they were reaching out, they weren’t looking for a pity party, they’re looking for a way out which didn’t end with a death notice in the paper.
This was so long ago now, I feel I failed this person by not speaking out sooner… I can only hope and pray they found the help they needed and can look back on me with forgiveness in their heart.
I wanted to share this as a way of explaining, if you have never dealt with this very serious illness then you simply cannot understand, never mind judge, someone who has or is.
I don’t know how many days I’ve woken to find myself facing yet another day of struggle. Struggling to get up, to function, to think, sometimes to just breath without visions of blood and death flashing through my mind. My blood. My death and not screaming only because everything is caught inside, choking me.
Despite what some may think, I don’t want to feel this… I would rather be the same as so many of you and to have never thought about such things.
I hate feeling useless, worthless, despised, hated… As if nothing I do is ever good enough. Every thought, emotion, action is nothing but unmitigated failure. How the sorrow, hatred, disgust, and disappointment expressed by others is my fault by my simply existing.
In my mind I know these things aren’t true. That they have been imposed upon me through years of abuse and neglect…
But try getting my heart to listen.