Miles Yet To Travel

Today has been interesting… not necessarily in a good way, but interesting none the less. First I began my new medicine which is an antidepressant and anti-anxiety in a single pill. The antidepressant is half again as strong was my old one and if needed can be increased. Not sure about the anxiety med but I believe it is stronger as well. The interesting thing is I noticed when it began to take affect… or at least it seems I could, might be all in my head of course… but if this works as well as it seems I should be back on track soon.

Of course the mind and conditioning can over power the best medicine as I am all too aware. There have been and will be times when I am going to go through rough patches and probably some very dangerous times but I expect as much… 

Today was a rough patch despite all the things which went well. This is something I can place squarely on my upbringing. Years of being told through word and deed, I was a burden who was tolerated because the government made it so… “I’m letting you stay here as long as your in school because I could be arrested if I kicked you out.” (I heard this more than once.)

So today I was feeling down, (before the new meds), thinking How much I dislike my natural hair or having to wear a hat. This coupled with knowing I cannot yet afford to buy a new wig. Still, I couldn’t stay away and went to the wig shop anyway which was good because I found a different one which I like better for the same price. Yet the whole time all I could feel was I was being a burden, more trouble than I was worth,  selfish… narcissistic. 

It would be better if I just sat down, shut up and keep things to myself. Naturally I couldn’t do it, I talked and talked and just couldn’t shut up… it was like I was in love with my own voice and every thought which went through my head just had to be treated with this greatest of gifts….

Times like this, I make myself sick.

I guess I still have a long way to go on this journey of mine.

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