I have found myself asking a great many questions recently. I have to suppose there are others out there who have found themselves in a similar situation… To stop one day, close your eyes and wonder, ‘who am I?’
For me it was the realization of how unbalanced my life was, every day a battle just to survive mentally, emotionally, sometime physically. There was neither time nor energy to be wasted on pointless questions of who and what I was. After all, odds were I wouldn’t live long enough for it to matter. Now here I am having lived almost 3/4 of my life span without many answers.
As hard as it may be to believe at this point, I found I needed to return to the very beginning of this story and ask the question; at what point did I discover a comfort level with myself, even if it was only for a moment?
Time after time I found myself returning to a single moment, standing in front of a mirror looking at the girl who looked back at me. I knew what I saw was me, the real, true me as I knew myself to be, heart and soul. It was a thrilling, terrifying moment which took away my breath and set my heart to racing. I can only say it was akin to looking into your own eyes and finding your soul reflected there.
I hid this experience away out of fear. Fear of what it meant to me personally, fear of my family, fear of the people around me who I knew, without doubt, would never except what I knew in my heart to be true.
Of course this was simply a beginning. Truth has a way of making itself known regardless of how deeply we try to bury it, to deny its existence.
Time and again I would find myself doing things to express who I was, silly things like putting a towel over my head, pretending it was hair, trying to keep “things” tucked out of sight during bath time or trying to put everything back inside where it belonged, all the while trying to convince myself other “boys” did the same things while knowing in my heart I was lying to myself.
All these years later I have found myself wanting to believe my memories are wrong. To find I have twisted events and dreams to create a reality which never existed and yet I cannot, in my heart, believe this to be true. The memories are too consistent. The emotional connection unbroken.
This is me. These are my memories and my experiences.