All through this journey it seems as though I have been moving in phases, my mood and thoughts reflecting the moon, sometimes shining as bright and sharp as a full moon, others cloaked in darkness, unsure of which way to go, lost to the new moon.
These last few weeks, (or has a it been months now?) I have been languishing in a mental and emotional darkness. I asked myself time and again where to go from here? To push through and continue forward or to allow myself to stall, to try one more time to allow who I am to be lost to the mists of doubt and fear. Not surprising, I have known the answer all along, I simply refused to open my eyes and see it.
I do wonder what it is within me which prefers the shadow of depression to the light of being honest with myself. I’m sure if I took the time I could make a list of excuses, yet that is all they would be, excuses.The truth is I have long sought the comfort of the familiar, no matter how painful or damaging it might be. To strive to reach beyond, to move outside my comfort zone is terrifying, especially if I listen to the little voice which whispers ‘I will never be good enough, I will never succeed, I will always be a failure.’
I know from the outside it would seem simple to ignore the voice, to ignore the negatives I heard for so long, to gather up my anger and resentment into a force which would transcend the memories of a lifetime ago… In deed, I have told myself the same many times and it has even seemed to work for a short time, days, maybe weeks, before I would succumb to them once again.
Even sitting here now, writing these words, the doubts still flicker through my mind, a sirens call I am loath to ignore yet ignore it I must, for life, for sanity.