Four years.

I will mark that many years on this journey before the new year, almost as much time writing this blog. Still here I sit, staring at a screen wondering what I’m doing and if it has been worth all it has cost. So many days I am as lost as I was those fist moments, wondering if I was going insane, not realizing I already had…

Now here I am, no more flowery words or clever sentences. No trying to show how smart I am or in touch with my inner child… No more excuses. 

One thing I have learned is I don’t know anything really. I never did. Not who I am, what I am or why. I close my eyes and there is a void waiting for me.  No thoughts or emotions, only doubts and questions I can neither face nor answer. Sometimes I want to scream others to cry yet my throat remains closed, my eyes dry. 

I do feel I have proven my mothers words true; I am a disappointment, a burden to those around me and no matter what I have tried to say or do has changed such a simple truth… I’m sure A has gone far beyond the point of wanted to strangle me and much the same as God, she has given my up as a lost cause and I cannot say I blame either of them.

Despite how this may look to anyone reading, this isn’t a pity party. It is simply facing the fact after so much time and effort I am nothing more or less than I have ever been. 

For this I can only ask forgiveness.


17 thoughts on “Untitled

  1. ((Hugs)) You’re not a burden. You’re a person, and yes, sometimes people are exasperating. And sometimes they have no idea how much they are loved. Just hold on. You’ll get through this.

    But first, get your depression meds checked.

    1. I recently began a new, more powerful medication along with a different anti-anxiety medication. However, as my therapist said, sometimes even the strongest meds aren’t enough and I have to ride out the storm.

  2. I just logged on to say that without knowing you, you’re saying things that are putting up all my “this person is suffering from depression” flags. And then I read the comments and realise you already know that. So, I’ll just add that I love reading your blog. Sending big virtual hugs until the depression fades away again (((((((because it will))))))))).

  3. Hang on in there, Kira, this WILL pass!
    As you can see there are people out here who are on your side, feeling for you, and holding you tight in their hearts.
    You are you; special, unique, caring, honest and true. That makes you better than many in this world.
    Sending the biggest hug the internet allows for.

  4. There’s nothing to forgive. You are who you are. You are Kira.
    In your words: “I am nothing more or less than I have ever been.” I agree with you, and to me that means you are who you are. You are Kira.
    Big {{{HUGS}}} darling Kira!

  5. You are an excellent writer Kira. Don’t be let down. Keep writing, and publishing short pieces in selected outlets until a book-length product is ready. Your blog is already a very insightful book in itself.
    Love from Ireland!

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