I will mark that many years on this journey before the new year, almost as much time writing this blog. Still here I sit, staring at a screen wondering what I’m doing and if it has been worth all it has cost. So many days I am as lost as I was those fist moments, wondering if I was going insane, not realizing I already had…
Now here I am, no more flowery words or clever sentences. No trying to show how smart I am or in touch with my inner child… No more excuses.
One thing I have learned is I don’t know anything really. I never did. Not who I am, what I am or why. I close my eyes and there is a void waiting for me. No thoughts or emotions, only doubts and questions I can neither face nor answer. Sometimes I want to scream others to cry yet my throat remains closed, my eyes dry.
I do feel I have proven my mothers words true; I am a disappointment, a burden to those around me and no matter what I have tried to say or do has changed such a simple truth… I’m sure A has gone far beyond the point of wanted to strangle me and much the same as God, she has given my up as a lost cause and I cannot say I blame either of them.
Despite how this may look to anyone reading, this isn’t a pity party. It is simply facing the fact after so much time and effort I am nothing more or less than I have ever been.
For this I can only ask forgiveness.