I sat down to begin this post and I thought; “So many words, so little said.” Not the most positive way to begin but it sums up how I have been feeling.
I have wanted to write on a personal level, just as I did in the beginning when I didn’t know what I was doing. Seriously, I was living in a maelstrom I could barely contain, never mind control. There were times when words poured out of my wounded soul and I couldn’t have stopped them if I wanted to.
Now there are times when I struggle to find something, anything so I can maintain my personal goal of a post a day and it is important to me to be able to do so as it is the only anchor I have.
I’m not sure what I doing. I feel disconnected, mentally adrift. There was a time when I would have sold my soul to make the noise in my head to stop, now I might do the same for it to return.
It is amazing what can be normal. Accepted. Not understood but as familiar as the beating of your heart.
So, what happens when it is gone? Never mind the people telling you things are better this way. I mean no one tells you how your suppose to cope with being ‘cured.’
Now I find so many times when I feel nothing, think of nothing. There is a terrible silence which settles onto my soul and I feel as if I am going to suffocate.
It isn’t just the mental and emotional emptiness which I find disturbing; for the majority of the past several years there was the struggle with my identity, not only in regards to gender but also who I was as a person. Even though I often doubted myself, my motives and conclusions I was slowly beginning to find a comfort zone with who I was seeing when I looked into my heart. Now I find myself standing on an endless barren plain where there seems to be no difference between myself and Him. Am I male, female, or nothing at all beyond a collection of biological systems which determine a destiny I can neither control nor change?
From an internal perspective there is little difference between my self image regardless of how I am presenting. The only issue is when I go to a store frequently and the staff has seen my both ways. I can imagine how confusing it must be and it makes me uncomfortable knowing I am not consistent.
Again I ask, am I still Him playing head games or am I Her dealing with the legacy of a lifetime of confusion and lies?
Of course there remains the chance I am simply insane…